Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 2, 2014

"You're asking them to vote for you, so they deserve to know who you are."

"I'm an atheist."

"They deserve to know who we want them to think you are."

Campaign manager Johnny (Steven Pasquale) and candidate Alicia (Julianna Margulies) engage in some back and forth about how to handle the topic of religion during interviews

"... so before you head out on a witch hunt, you might want take a closer look at your own... back door."

Abby (Darby Stanchfield) is onto Cyrus' kept man

"I have a joint in my handbag and it's not gonna smoke itself. Would you like to join me on the Truman balcony?"

Former First Lady Bitsy Cooper (Carol Locatell) invites Mellie to be her doobie sister

"It's like watching repeats of the same E\pisode of ER. It doesn't matter what the carnage is — I've seen it already."

Fiona (Lisa Kudrow) seconding husband Kip's (Victor Garber) assessment that their union works better without sex

"I want to see it. And by it, i mean your speed. In case you thought I was talking about something else. Which I wasn't."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) is hot to see Barry's... moves

"Halloween is a made-up American holiday invented to encourage obesity and diabetes."

"Mom hasn't had sugar in 12 years."

"That's not all your mother hasn't had in 12 years, Marcus."

Will (David Walton) takes a shot at Fiona (Minnie Driver) after Marcus (Benajamin Stockham) explains why they don't hand out candy on Halloween

"Wow, Donkey Kong! That was my game as a kid."

"Because it's the story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly shaped man?"

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) tilts Leonard's retro-game enthusiasm

"By the way, I just noticed my head is next to my head. It's weird, right?"

Kelly Ripa, noticing the proximity of her "Smile Travel Trivia" emoji on the screen behind her

"Wow, babe. You are just like Oprah. You don't have any kids of your own, but you tell everybody else what to do with theirs."

Jake (Ken Marino), after fiancée Annie outparents their alpha-mom neighbor

"Thank you for coming. If it's your first time, we hope it's an experience you never forget. Let us fulfill your every need. I'm Rafael Solano — and your pleasure is my pleasure."

An in-house (and innuendo-filled) TV message from hotel owner (and Jane's erstwhile crush) Rafael (Justin Baldoni) kills the mood right as Jane (Gina Rodriguez) attempts to lose her virginity to Michael (Brett Dier)

"You will get your fairy tale, Xiomara. I know you will. You just have to close your legs."

Abuela (Ivonne Coll), consoles her sexually voracious daughter — with a dash of old-fashioned judgment

"You... shotten herring. You are a scurvy louse. You are a slop bucket. You are pus-sludge, no-good, by-blow pair of... buns!"

"Are you gaming online?"

"I'm not entirely sure."

Ichabod (Tom Mison) doesn't take well to losing his first first-person shooter game, which Abbie (Nicole Beharie) walks in on

"Did something die in here?"

"Someone... but that was, like, weeks ago. Don't worry, I Febreezed."

Sadie (Molly Tarlov) isn't exactly comforted by her party bus driver's response

"Ebola is still in the news. Today Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was kept in an isolation tent in New Jersey... defied a quarantine order and went for a bike ride with her boyfriend. So it's official, there is nothing that will get you out of a bike ride with your girlfriend."

"I am dead because of you! ... I used to be a decent person. I got good grades, I went home for Christmas, I had a freakin' Etsy store!"

​Ivy (Emily C. Chang) really misses her former life as a human​ — and a basic human at that

"On the bright side, this stuff's not so bad. It's fruity and fizzy."

Being stuck in 1994 is giving Damon (Ian Somerhalder) a real taste for Zima

"We all staying here until each and every one of us get this sexually repressed kid off.

[Pauses]

All right, I heard that. That's... you know what I mean."

Rebecca (Kate Walsh), pleading with her fellow jurors — and making an unfortunate gaffe — to acquit an awkward young man for soliciting a prostitute

"One serving has 11 grams of sugar! So they clearly thought, 'Well, let's improve the taste by adding sugar' instead of 'Let's improve the taste by removing the clam.'"

John Oliver wages war against sugar, which is over-served even in "the original tomato cocktail with clam"

"Really? And you're opposed to all photos of over-sharing women?"

"That's different."

Beckett (Stana Katic) questions Espo (Jon Huertas) on his condemnation of a social media "celebrity"

"It's not just white people who go to Kennebunkport!"

Asher (Matt McGorry) defends his family's choice of vacation spot after his father is accused of racially motivated judicial misconduct

"A couple of months ago I dreamt I was snorting blow off Tom Jones' ass."

"Who's Tom Jones?"

"Thanks for ruining a beautiful dream."

Recovering addict Marjorie (Mimi Kennedy) realizes the age gap between herself and Christy (Anna Faris) as they discuss the concept of relapse dreams

"I guess being a douche bag runs in the family."

Skye (Chloe Bennett) reacts to the cable news channel bloviating of Ward's senator brother

"I assume these [notes] are for your speech. I made some changes. It's funnier now."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) surprises Senator Ward in his well-guarded office

"I'm not going to spend my life on the run from people like Mary-Kate and Ashley out there."

Werewolf Tasha (Emily Tennant) referring to Dean (Jensen Ackles) and Sam (Jared Padalecki, who's been in a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, New York Minute)

"So what do you we call them? MaNiel? DanGaux?"

"Trouble."

Nolan (Gabriel Mann) and Emily (Emily VanCamp) discussing Daniel and Margaux's combined name after discovering they're involved

"Might have left a few things out of the ole profile. For example, what's got two thumbs and drinks blood to survive? Oh right, this guy!"

Josh (Steven Krueger) explaining why he's being hesitant with the guy he likes

"You do realize that literally everyone here has supernatural hearing, right?"

"Where's my brother?"

"I'll check his calendar. Wait, not his wife."

Hayley (Phoebe Tonkin) gets sassy with Elijah (Daniel Gillies) when he comes yelling for his brother

"It was like a couple of hairless cats fighting in a pile of pizza dough."

Murray (Jeff Garlin) describing what it was like to witness his father-in-law having sex with a lady friend