Quotes Of The Week For August 2, 2015

"Oh, Alden — wasn't it nice to see some joy in [the church] for once?"

"We're Lutheran, we don't do 'joy.' We top out at 'quiet contentment.'"

Alden (Davis Rasche) has no patience for Pastor Buddy's sermon "tomfoolery"

"Goodbye, Port Charles. Good luck to you."

Luke (Anthony Geary) says a final goodbye to the town — and daytime drama — he's called home for nearly four decades

"Sometimes I envy the paranoid. You people must never be bored."

Madeline (Donna Mills), after being accused of plotting against her own daughter... which, mind you, she is

"I'm with the Committee for Decency. I've come to tell you that hell is a real place."

"No worse than St. Louis in August."

Bill (Michael Sheen), deflecting a holier-than-thou critic of his sex manual

"The name was right. It was glorious. The woman behind that stall had a talent well beyond anything I had ever experienced, well beyond anything my ex-wife had demonstrated on any of my birthdays."

Forrest MacNeil's (Andy Daly) research into "glory holes" ultimately earns 4-1/2 stars

"No more backseat driving!"

"But... I am in the front seat."

Weaver (Will Patton) and Cochise (Doug Jones) have a communication gap

"We haven't actually adopted Deon yet: We're fostering him. It's more of a lease-to-buy situation — like with your Lexus."

Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky) explains a new parenting opportunity to her husband in terms he can understand

"You know what I love most about mom marrying Brad?"

"That he's 10 years younger, so we're off the hook for taking care of her when she gets old?"

Danny (Derek Theler) and Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) are going to make terrific sons-in-law

"I'm trying to figure out how Big Jay is stuffing his little bitty quail. He can barely get his fingers in the butt."

Eddie thinks his rival needs a bigger bird

"'Who wore it best?' Oh, we gotta do that! Wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever?"

Caitlyn Jenner brainstorms a fashion-mag feature idea with stepdaughter Kim Kardashian upon learning she and ex-wife Kris Jenner own the same Tom Ford dress in different colors

"And you also have the power mustache..."

"As opposed to the porn mustache?"

"Porn is much thinner."

Kelly knows her 'staches — and she's not shy about letting guest Kevin Bacon know it

"You've come here to wag your finger?"

"I love a good finger-wagging."

"Yes, you do. How is Margot?"

Former lovers Hannibal (Mads Mikkelsen) and Alana (Caroline Dhavernas) slyly reference her new lesbian relationship as she chastises him for messing with their friend Will's mind

"I'm going to need to collect some flesh. Not a pound, only a piece. Something you can live without."

"You mean like a finger...?"

"I couldn't bear to take your fingers. Not even one. They're so lovely. Plus I was hoping to teach you to play the harpsichord."

Hannibal (Mads Mikkelsen) goes over the nitty-gritty details of faking Abigail's death

"I fixed Khlyen's device, so I splurged on a bottle of 10-joy Hokk to celebrate! So come get some!"

[Hears Dutch and D'Av having sex]

"I guess you're already getting some...."

John (Aaron Ashmore) gets an unexpected earful from his shipmates

"Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation opens tomorrow. This is the fifth movie in the franchise [so] I'm starting to think the mission is possible. I mean, it's now four times in a row."

"OK, one thing that bugs me about Badge [of Justice]? You can't get DNA samples back in eight hours."

"Yeah, I tell them that. But show business time is different from ours."

In a bit of meta commentary on crime shows playing fast and loose with reality, Badge consultant Tao explains show biz to a fan

"Did you say Blake Shelton is single?"

Whitney Cummings, acting a flexible fool in the kitchen area as she's introduced by Kathie Lee and Hoda (who'd just been discussing the country star's divorce)

"So... reanimated, you're still in many ways who you were before...?"

"Yeah — especially the part that gets annoyed when pompous pricks ask stupid questions."

The Master's acolyte, Bolivar (Jack Kesy), has no appetite for Eldritch's interrogation

"That is the funniest thing — my mother didn't even know who I was: She thought I was Toni. I mean, I'm supposed to look like Toni — we share the same DNA. And plus if I mess up on stage, people will be like, 'Was that Toni, singing Traci's song?'"

Traci Braxton puts a positive spin on an awkward family moment as she prepares to perform one of her own tracks in the middle of her famous sister's concert set

"Dude, I don't know if anyone's told you, but you are a player. If I drew a vagina on a white piece of paper, you'd probably hit on it."

Faith (Breeda Wool) tells Adam (Freddie Stroma) that a tiger such as him never changes his spots

"If I asked you to go down on me right now, would you?"

"No!... Er, is that what this is about?"

Quinn (Constance Zimmer) marvels at PA Madison's (Genevieve Buechner) susceptibility

"Burim, I love watching your package."

Paula Abdul tries to compliment the work ethic that the Swedish B-boy displays in rehearsal footage — but drops a double entendre in the process