Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 11, 2016

"Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, jump and trust the net will appear."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Well, maybe you'll land in a truck filled with feathers."

"People actually pay you for this?"

"Well, paying customers get better advice."

Karen's (Yunjin Kim) off-the-cuff advice for Joss (Jes Macallan) doesn't inspire a whole lot of confidence in her psychology credentials

"I don't know, man, I like Flo Rida. Moms need to enjoy rap, too."

Darius (Lakeith Stanfield) doesn't care for the local DJ giving Flo Rida a bad rap

"It was just, like, half a blunt. You've been arrested for weed, it's not that bad, right?"

"Well, it's not as good as not getting arrested for weed."

Paper Boi (Brian Tyree Henry) delivers a truth to Earn's (Donald Glover) doorstep

"Thank you, NBC, for announcing a new drama about boy bands from the creator of Law & Order, which hopefully gives someone the chance to use the line, 'Looks like the victim said "bye bye bye.'"

"How are you here?! I watched you fall!"

"Lucky for me, my altimeter deployed my chute."

Yes, Logan, very "lucky" indeed. (Be sure to thank the show's writers on your way out!)

"Victor, 9-8-1 — Ocean Frank."

"Thank you for your service, Sergeant Korsak. Job well done."

Korsak (Bruce McGill) wraps his distinguished 32-year career

"He didn't even know what chakras were. I mean... it's 2016."

Mary Jane explains why she couldn't cosmically connect with her date

"Wait, what are you going to do if you run into Kyle?"

"Probably kick his nuts."

Heather (Nicole Anderson) thinks her beau had some balls to snitch on Vincent and Catherine

"As a feminist, I can't support everything that's being said up here tonight. But as somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I'm delighted."

Jewel shows she can zing as well as she can sing with a jab at the conservative pundit

"Army, Navy, Marines... There's even some Coast Guard back there."

"Against the four of us."

"We're not even the Dirty Half-Dozen, but we got heart and we got smarts."

As Tex (John Pyper-Ferguson) just told Chandler, he always did like the long odds

"Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. At least, we think that's who he meant."

"Apple unveiled the new iPhone today which it says is water-resistant. This could be a devastating blow for the big bags of rice industry."

"I'm a little busy right now. Why don't you take your Tupperware of monkey brains and think about whether you want to make documentaries? And, yes, that's the first time I've used that sentence."

Sen. Wheatus (Tony Shalhoub) ushers Laurel out of his office with a strange farewell

"Hillary [Clinton] seems bored with what 'the conspiracy theory factory' is churning out. Please come up with a better conspiracy for her."

"Hillary took the headphone jack out of the iPhone!"

Mary Lynn Rajskub theorizes that Clinton had something to do with Apple's controversial iPhone 7 decision

"Matthew, I have been here corpse-sitting your fiancé but this Weekend at Bernie's is coming to a close... He's moping around here like Tony Bennett during Gaga's parts of 'Baby, It's Cold Outside.'"

Billy (Billy Eichner) refuses to keep looking after Matthew's elderly husband-to-be

"I always ask myself the question: 'Am I the most powerful person in the room?' The answer needed to be yes.... In every room in the entire world, the answer is yes. With the exception of one... two. I intend to live a legacy, the standard of which was set by God when He created the Earth, and man after His own image. Anything less is not worth mentioning."

E Corp CEO Price (Michael Cristofer) explains to Colby what drives him

"One area Trump hasn't been improving at all is with black voters. Only two months ago, he got zero percent support from African-Americans in Ohio and Pennsylvania. Zero... There are more black people excited for the new Kevin James sitcom."

"Donald Trump's people told him he needed to reach out to the black community, and that means he's basically got three choices: He either goes to barber shops, Tyler Perry movies or black churches. But he's not going to go to Tyler Perry movies because, I mean, Madea's a 'two.'"

"Birds of a feather...."

"...should flock off."

Provenza (G.W. Bailey) sees nothing cozy about the neo-Nazis living under one roof