Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 13, 2015

"The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year."

"Nicknames like 'Screeches & Herb'... 'Simon & God-Awful'... Nickelback."

Yikes — Mitchell and Cam's (Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet) year-ago Christmas duet was rough

"We already know who the killer is. It's Boone! If we don't want him to kill us, we just have to avoid places where gay people go. So, like, behind every Bennigan's."

Chanel's (Emma Roberts) perspective on the gay community is rather narrow, eh?

"I get to say this one time and one time only: Welcome to The Daily Show With Trevor Noah With Jon Stewart."

Noah welcomes his predecessor back to the Comedy Central broadcast

"They're Facebook friends?"

"Yes. They've been playing Bejeweled Blitz for months now."

Ali (Gaby Hoffmann) regrets having to inform Maura (Jeffrey Tambor) why her sister was invited to Sarah's wedding

"Well, was she at least cordial to you?"

"No. Is a lizard cordial? She's a filing cabinet with a hairdo."

Maura (Jeffrey Tambor) informs Shelly (Judith Light) that there is no love lost between her and her sister

"Are you seeing this?!"

"It's just a flying saucer, Ed. We gotta go."

Unlike Ed (Jesse Plemons), Peggy (Kirsten Dunst) is unfazed by an out-of-this-world occurrence outside the motel

"Gina, look. Give me two hours. You'll not only pass your exam, you'll gain a deeper appreciation of the universe through which we journey on this spaceship Earth."

"Spaceship Earth? Way to go! You just made Earth lame, and that is my house."

Gina (Chelsea Peretti) is unimpressed by Neil deGrasse Tyson's attempts to help her study for astronomy

"That's right, Hanukkah began last night and will continue until next Monday. And I, for one, think it's unfair that Jewish people get eight days of Hanukkah, and we only get to celebrate Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving until the new year."

"Oh, dear Lord, just kiss already. Ugh, the thirst is real."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) beseeches Caitlin and Jay to speed up their flirtation

"Earth-Two has The Godfather?"

"Every Earth has The Godfather, Vito."

"Harry" (Tom Cavanagh) assures Cisco (Carlos Valdes) that the Corleones rule every universe

"You forgot the part where Aquaman swam to Egypt and parted the Red Sea with his fish friends and Moses the porpoise."

Pops (George Segal) gets testy after Beverly spins a fake Hanukkah tale

"Charlie Brown is 10 years old, he's bald and he has no friends. Yeah, he's doing fine."

Danny (Chris Messina) refutes Mindy's argument that the Peanuts gang is better off without their parents around

"How are you supposed to find it?"

"Not your concern."

"You just whisper its name three times into a mirror? Or do you put a saucer of milk outside the door at night?"

"Not milk."

"Ah, right. Simmons said it could smell blood. That's not disturbing at all."

Fitz (Iain de Caestecker) is in no mood for Ward's (Brett Dalton) potentially fatal snipe hunt

"I'll be damned. Tatooine."

Even after a rough landing on the strange planet, Coulson (Clark Gregg) stands in service of corporate synergy

"That's a lamp? Oh, I thought that was Sia."

Terrence Howard, playing Kanye West in a sketch, lands a zinger about the oft-disguised singer

"I've never heard of a woman Santa."

"You think a man is thoughtful enough to give presents to everyone in the world? Do you think a man is organized enough to make a list of the behavior of every single boy and girl? You know the street signs that say Men at Work? Women don't need those. Because it is understood."

Jessica (Constance Wu) dresses up as Kris Kringle, much to her son's (Ian Chen) confusion

"I'm the nightmare before Christmas."

Vigilante Liv (Rose McIver) greets a criminal around the holidays

"How do I know you didn't call her from a landline?"

"Because it's not 1987."

Technology makes Liv (Rose McIver) and Major's (Robert Buckley) trust issues so much worse — or better?