Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 25, 2016

"This isn't Burn Notice. There are no blue skies for you out there. Characters like you are not welcome here."

FBI Agent Santiago (Omar Metwally) talks tough to suspect Darlene — and delivers an inside-joke jab at the show's own network

"A devil emoji? That's it, I'm speaking to a copyright lawyer today."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) isn't high on his likeness being used to brand drugs

"Will you please take off that stupid fedora?"

"It completes the look."

"You look like Carmen Sandiego."

Amy (America Ferrera) isn't a fan of Jonah's (Ben Feldman) headwear

"I just have to know, from a TV historical perspective: There were two Darrins in the run of the show. Were you Dick York or Dick Sargent?"

"I was a universal dick."

After his Bewitched-inspired dance with Terra Jolé, Sasha Farber gives an uncomfortable answer to host Tom Bergeron's question

"He was unattached, he was persuasive, he was clever, a bit unstable..."

"You just described a sociopath."

"But he was the good kind."

"Mmm, that's not a thing."

FLETC instructor Alex Quinn (Jennifer Esposito) and Bishop (Emily Wickersham) disagree over a description of undercover agent Nick Torres

"Wasn't that dude, like, half-Chinese or something? Probably. He was pretty short."

"Nice."

"Chinese people are short. 'Cause of Genghis Khan. Look it up."

"In what, the racism book?"

Darius (Keith Stanfield) is always teaching Earn (Donald Glover) something new

"Van needed that money. My daughter needed that money. Not in September, but today. Poor people don't have time for investments, because poor people are too busy trying not to be poor. I need to eat today, not in September."

Earn (Donald Glover) barks at Darius for using his money to, eventually, breed puppies

"We were in Juarez for my sweet, 19-year-old cousin Marisol's third wedding. It was so beautiful. Thank God that they finished that tunnel in time for her father to make it."

OK, forgetting about Dad for a second — a sweet 19-year-old's third wedding?!

"I just saw an 8-year-old backstage and we had on the same outfit."

Miley Cyrus tries to convince 17-year-old Courtnie Ramirez that she can appeal to the youth demographic

"Not fair!"

"You want tech like this, you should have cut off your own hand."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) gives Mack (Henry Simmons) X-ray vision envy

"I thought it was her pregnancy test!"

Sharon Osbourne can't decipher the photo on Marion Cotillard's Instagram post addressing the Brad Pitt affair rumors

"You're going to need me one day, and you know where I'll be?"

"Please don't say here."

"Here. Waiting like a panther. A panther who teaches."

"Please don't wait like a teaching panther."

Newly accredited substitute teacher Beverly (Wendi McLendon-Covey) makes it clear to the school principal that she has no intention of leaving

"My name... is Oswald Cobblepot—"

"We know who you are, Penguin!"

Penguin's (Robin Lord Taylor) dramatic entrance is clipped by Captain Barnes

"What disabled luminary is on his way to the dumpster today? Oh my God, it's space genius Stephen Hawking!"

Maya (Minnie Driver) goes into full sarcasm mode when she learns that her son's wheelchair ramp is also used for garbage disposal

"They hit our fuel line!"

"Well, break out the chewing gum."

"It's going to take more than chewing gum to fix it."

Drat. Maybe in Episode 2?

"Really? Was the Chairman of the International House of Pancakes unavailable?"

SecHUD Tom Kirkman (Kiefer Sutherland) is less than thrilled with his "promotion" to ambassador to the civil aviation somethingoranother

"Honey, that's not a plan. That is literally every stripper's backstory."

Donna (Erinn Hayes) is definitely not on board with her daughter's "plan" to drop out of college and wait tables, the better to support the dreams of her app-developer boyfriend

"I'm a grown-ass woman: I can't be having sex in dorm rooms."

"Of course you can. Otherwise, you're just discriminating against me because I'm poor now."

"Welcome to America!"

Michaela (Aja Naomi King) states the obvious that former rich kid Asher's (Matt McGorry) new gig as a Middleton University R.A. isn't exactly a turn-on

"Put that hand down forever."

"You have to answer my question about the body."

"Maya, it's my father. He doesn't know anything."

"I know things. What is the body? What does the body want? I'm gonna tell ya. Soup! Now you know everything."

Maya (Sabrina Carpenter) and Riley (Rowan Blanchard) make things awkward when Cory (Ben Savage) gets stuck teaching their health class

"You know what's going on here, right? I liked my friend's stupid Wiccan craft store on Facebook, so now she thinks I'm out drinking ram's blood or something."

Kat (Brianne Howey), explaining to Father Tomas why her mother suspects she's possessed by a demon

"Why do I keep seeing headlines like 'Why Apple Needs a New Hit,' 'The Bad News on Apple's Stock is Only Beginning,' 'Is a New iPhone Enough to Snap Apple's Sale Slump?' Sales slump? Since 2007, that phone has made over $621 billion. To put that into perspective, take the amount of money Donald Trump has given to charity and add $621 billion."

"You know, I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a strong female woman... with nice, heavy breasts."

Capt. Holt (Andre Braugher) does his best to sound like a heterosexual male while in Witness Protection

"I like to think that maybe one day, you'll be an old man like me, talking a younger man's ear off, explaining to him how you took the sourest lemon that life has to offer... and turned it into something resembling lemonade."

Dr. K (Gerald McRaney) offers expectant dad Jack some comfort after delivering tragic news

"That's great. Now they know where I live."

"What are you talking about? They've always known where you lived."

"Yeah. If you wanna go off the grid, you have to move out of your mother's house."

Raj (Kunal Nayyar) and Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) set Howard (Simon Helberg) straight when a man from the government tracks him down

"It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?"

"Plato!"

Ethics professor Chidi (William Jackson Harper) patiently tries to explain the basics to Eleanor (Kristen Bell)

"Who's home? Schmidty! Jess! Winston! Winston's cat! [Pause] Fine, Cece."

Nick (Jake Johnson) gets home from New Orleans and makes clear who he is most — and least — excited to see

"President Obama's half brother, who lives in Kenya, told reporters this week that he will be voting for Donald Trump in the country's mock U.S. election. Ooh, that's gotta sting for Trump. An Obama wants to vote for him, but it's the one with the Kenyan birth certificate."