Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 28, 2016

"I thought I was meeting Elliot."

"Me, too."

"Relax, kids, this isn't the 'Stranger Danger' episode."

Darlene (Carly Chaikin) has a meet-not-so-cute with fsociety recruits Mobley and Trenton

"You're a plumber. Right, Steve? You've had, what, 60 years at life? And that's the best you can come up with. Literally cleaning s—t for a living. I'm 27 and I've got a six-figure salary at the biggest conglomerate in history. And I'm just getting started. That's who I am."

Angela (Portia Doubleday) counters an assault on her character — and then some!

"You know that Spongebob isn't white, don't you?"

Rusty (Graham Patrick Martin) seeds some nightmares for Sanchez's extremely racist young ward

"How could you do this to me... Question mark!"

Maybe Countess LuAnn should have typed out that angry text message to her cheating fiancé, rather than dictating it

"Your sister took my load!"

"...She took both of your loads, now, didn't she?"

Drug-addict Shelby stole J.B.'s (Brad Benedict) truck after they had sex in it — and Bonnie (Kelly Sullivan) is calling it like she sees it

"Lucy, put on your analysis pants."

"I don't wear pants..."

"I know, I'm just—"

"I'm a spaceship, John."

"Never mind."

Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) could program Lucy to be 10 percent less literal

"Wow, whoever programmed this is an a—hole!"

"Yeah, well, my a—hole is bigger than his a—hole. I mean, you're smarter than... whatever. Just kick some ass."

D'Avin (Luke MacFarlane) has faith that Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) can best Jelco's smartass A.I.

"Some strange moments at the Olympics. I don't know if you saw this, but during the pole vault, a Japanese competitor knocked the bar down with his penis. Even more impressive: He put the bar back up with his penis. Then he opened a bank safe!"

"Death is not to be feared. But it shouldn't be pursued. There's a difference."

Alejandro (Paul Calderon), trying to talk some sense into zombie-obsessed Nick

"With all due respect, sir—"

"Usually when someone says 'all due respect,' he's about to show lack of respect, Captain."

CNO Chandler (Eric Dane) doesn't care for the tone in Captain Meylan's voice

"Now the whole world thinks of Ryan Lochte as that crazy American with the weird hair who keeps making stuff up and causing an international incident, which is not how an Olympian acts. That is how a presidential candidate acts."

"Who's watching the show Bones? They say it's been on 11 years and yet I have no proof that it exists."

Conspiracy theorist Colbert is perplexed by the longevity/existence of the Fox procedural

"How long is this supposed to take?"

[reading from a label] "Uh, fifteen to 30 minutes, but in some cases with larger patients, it can take upwards of 48 hours."

"...Should we order food?"

After watching her father euthanize himself, Valerie (Michaela Watkins) suggests a reasonable way to pass the time until he dies

"Are you enjoying being a grandparent?... Do you wish the campaign didn't coincide with the kids being so little?"

"Well, I think I'd be distraught if we didn't have FaceTime. I really do."

"Oh, do you do that a lot?"

"All the time."

"Have you considered using FaceTime instead of email?"

"Here's who makes me laugh: You two, and Bonnie Hunt."

Method Man reveals to Billy and Julie the short list of people who tickle his funny bone

"I do not approve of all these Broadway reboots. I mean, do we need an all-white Dreamgirls? Yes, but Paula Deen can't sing!"

Matthew (Cole Escola) gives his thoughts on a controversial Broadway casting

"... a swimmer who looks like he's about to play the John Slattery role in a porn parody of Mad Men."

John Oliver's description of disgraced Olympian Ryan Lochte

"We're doing triage at a fire, not dinner and a movie."

Scott (Scott Wolf) has no time for Annie being jealous of his work with Jordan

"Southwest Airlines pilots picketed in Dallas yesterday over a wage dispute that has spent two years in ongoing negotiations. The dispute has been going on for so long that Group C is almost ready to board."

"You know I'm the leader, right...?"

Mitch (Billy Burke) is agog to learn Robert Oz is alive — but more that Abe kept it from him!