Quotes Of The Week For April 12, 2015

"Afterwards, disappointed University of Wisconsin students took to the streets to riot the only way white people know how — without consequences! You lucky bastards."

"Hey."

Weekend Update host Michael Che makes a commentary on NCAA championship aftermath, present company Colin Jost excluded

"I cannot believe she would choose to shoot someone on the day of my shower!"

A pregnant Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) when she finds out Sadie shot her abusive ex-husband, thereby preventing mutual pal Rayna from hosting her baby shower

"Who knows, maybe you two will hit it off and he'll 'fill your cavity'? ... Your cavity. Get it? Do a little drilling? ... I'll be here all week, tip your waitress!"

Christy (Anna Faris) encourages Bonnie to date a dentist, but discovers it's a tough crowd

"What's wrong with these criminals that they can't just hang onto their own s—?"

Norma (Vera Farmiga), after being threatened over a valuable flash drive that wound up in her possession

"When I found out Billy Crystal wanted to work with me, nobody was more excited than my grandparents."

Josh Gad reflects upon the reaction to his new gig

"I really gotta get something, okay? I already burned through all of my season two money from 1600 Penn."

"Wait, there was no season two!"

[Pause]

"I know."

Josh Gad makes his job needs clear during an over-the-phone conversation with his agent

"You do realize that when Elton John says, 'You can tell everybody that this is your song,' it's not actually your song, right?"

Pops' (George Segal) response after Erica (Hayley Orrantia) and Barry (Troy Gentile) try to pass off the famous tune as their original composition

"OK, so here's the thing: Edward Snowden is not the WikiLeaks guy. The WikiLeaks guy is Julian Assange, and you do not want to be confused with him. Partly because he was far less careful than Snowden in what he released and how, and partly because he resembles a sandwich bag full of biscuit dough wearing a Stevie Nicks wig."

John Oliver, clearing up the difference between Edward Snowden and Julian Assange

"What? Did someone use the word 'black' and now you want me to give you the all clear? Please tell me that won't be my role in this group. I have a brain the size of Jupiter. I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster!"

Elroy (Keith David) affirms his do's and don'ts as a member of the Save Greendale committee

"Well Thursdays are Open House Day, and Fridays we do happy hour after work."

"Do we get paid for that?"

"No! It's an opportunity to get to know your coworkers better."

"Pass."

"That is why I hired you. You are always negotiating! And now we can be a team instead of competitors."

"Ooh! Like those chipmunks. I'm Alvin!"

Jessica (Constance Wu) gets her work and chipmunks in order with new boss Ashley (Arden Myrin)

"I'm here to investigate possible parental neglect in the home."

"Oh, you want that kid down the street, Dave. He always has a Kool-Aid moustache. Nobody's wiping his face."

Jessica (Constance Wu) refuses to believe that a Child Protective Services agent would intentionally visit her home

"I do. I love you."

"And I... am getting there with you, as well."

Rogelio's (Jaime Camil) response to Xo's (Andrea Navedo) declaration of love is not quite what she was hoping for

"Raylan Givens, Boyd Crowder and Avery Markham are soon to converge, Mr. Vasquez — like the aligning of the planets if those planets carried guns and hated my guts. I don't ever plan on returning to Kentucky."

‎Wynn Duffy (Jere Burns) makes crystal clear his plan to relocate

"Look at him down there, McGee in the role of Black Market Gun Buyer. It's the worst casting since Kevin Costner in Robin Hood."

DiNozzo (Michael Weatherly) can barely believe his binoculars, as the team sets up a sting

"OK, there's a strong possibility I could end up naked with Josh in the very near future. I need you to look at my body and be brutally honest."

"Ooh, I like the landing strip! Nice choice. It's like the little black dress of pubic hair."

Liza (Sutton Foster) gets some crucial, er, grooming advice from BFF Maggie (Debi Mazar)

"Trevor Noah will earn your trust and respect... or not, just as I earned your trust and respect... or did not."

Stewart jokes about about the public's response to both he and his polarizing successor

"Fawn's helping me see that I haven't reached my full potential yet."

"Well obviously none of you have."

"Oh no, I have. I'm a cop, and as of yesterday, my mom no longer buys my plane tickets, so..."

Winston (Lamorne Morris) is proud of his fiscal independence, even if Fawn (Zoe Lister Jones) and Schmidt (Max Greenfield) wouldn't interpret that as reaching his "full potential"

"There's always one family member or another in need of a good shackling."

This is how Klaus (Joseph Morgan) justifies his ample collection of chains and locks — not that he really needs to

"At some point you might have mentioned the backup was a lethal cyborg."

"Truthfully, I just wanted to see the look on your face when he showed up. Priceless."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) isn't just the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., he directs a good surprise, too

"This is silly. You clearly have an unfair advantage. And we clearly don't see eye-to-eye."

Cal (Kyle MacLachlan) waves the white flag in front of eyeless Gordon

"Wow, that's a lot of Girl Scout cookies."

"You know me. I'm from India. I can't resist children begging."

Raj (Kunal Nayyar) reminds Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) where he comes from