Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 25, 2015

"Love is a semi-euphoric, temporary chemical reaction."

"Aww, how romantic."

Paige (Katharine McPhee) sees that Walter (Elyes Gabel) is no genius when it comes to diagnosing the L-word

"I hope someday I know the passion that Huck feels for Quinn."

Shosh (Zosia Mamet), possibly misreading the intent of a Scandal scene in which Quinn rages against Huck for ripping out her molars during an interrogation

"I mean, how can you compete with that ass? If that's my competition, I gotta do some push-ups, throw on some child-size shorts."

Yes, Kelsey is a little intimated by fitness-buff competitior Jillian's "assets"

"I need this job. I drink for free and it's so close to my gym."

Lina (Diane Guerrero) has very sound reasons for why she should not be fired from her waitress gig

"OK, I left word with the U.N. ambassador and Gloria Estefan. One of them will stop the deportation — most probably Gloria Estefan. I should hear back shortly."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) reassures Xiomara he's using all his connections to save her hospitalized mother from being sent back to Venezuela

"Brother finally gets a show on late-night TV — but of course, he's got to work on Martin Luther King Day."

Host Larry Wilmore kicks off his new Comedy Central series with a dig at his employer

"I'll give it to you straight —I'm just a girl looking for a private dick."

Kate (Stana Katic) plays along with Rick's "Phillip Marlowe" shtick, almost too well

"You need to be smarter!"

"What I need is a six-dollar blow job! A smarter move, I cannot imagine."

Fresh-out-of-prison Dewey (Damon Herriman) blows off Raylan's words of advice

"[We] will work with the police and devise a way to catch Cold.... Yes, I said it, Cisco. Soon as it came out of my mouth, I heard it."

Dr. Wells (Tom Cavanagh) is fast to beat Cisco to a retort

"My dead fiancé can fly. I haven't broken that to my parents yet."

Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) updates Barry (Grant Gustin) on her search into Ronnie's (Robbie Arnell) metahuman abilities

"Today is Martin Luther King Day. Martin Luther King Day is the day every year where Americans find out if their bank is racist. 'Good news: bank's open! Bad news: I think we have a racist bank!'"

Seth Meyers breaks down the pros and cons of having your bank remain open on Martin Luther King Day

"You don't put a majestic peacock in a cage with a howler monkey."

We've officially reached the point in this show where Victoria (Madeleine Stowe) is comparing herself and Emily to zoo animals

"There were stumbles, clearly, but it's like sausage. Who knows how it's made? The fact is, at the end of the day – thanks to everybody – we had a pretty good sausage."

Geraldo Rivera makes a peculiar analogy in the boardroom about his losing team's performance in a challenge

"The first few days we had Stan on our own, I was so tired and cranky I turned into a total bitch and I never turned back."

Ellie (Christa Miller) warns Travis (Dan Byrd) and Laurie (Busy Philipps) about their first weekend alone as parents

"... you let me sit here like a fool all day? What kind of a place is this?!?"

"Hollywood."

WBN's secretary (Vanessa Cloke), explaining to Elsa (Jessica Lange) why no one told her the boss had snuck out to avoid seeing her

"We'll fetch the holy water

And holy soap as well.

'Cause holy guacamole,

That one reeks to holy hell!"

The singing Valencian monks (led by Weird Al Yankovic) agree that their visitor Galavant needs a bath

"You sleep in the kitchen...?"

"Or... do I cook in my room?"

The king's chef (Darren Evans) puts the best possible spin on his squalor

"We had candles. We used those bug zappers sometimes — which was really hard to sleep. But y'know, you could see how you could get to the pot to piss in. And I'm not saying that 'pot to piss in.' I literally had a pot to piss in, in my room."

Renowned "fixer" Jenny Bologna (Christina Applegate) shares her hardscrabble backstory with privileged Fiona (Lisa Kudrow)

"Do you ever think about doing something with your hair? I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm just asking because there are a couple of separate areas. I just feel like maybe this one should go."

"I refer to this as my island. This is Gilligan's Island."

"It looks like a comma."

Tina (Amanda Peet) asks out-of-work actor Alex (Steve Zissis) whether he's ever thought of making a change to his rapidly receding hairline

"They're also worried that the strippers might cause a shortage of $1 bills — so they'll have nothing to put in their grandkids' birthday cards."

Tom (John Ducey) offers yet another reason why the retirement home he's representing doesn't want a "gentlemen's club" to remain on their block

"Oh no, no, no, sir, I couldn't. You need that to trade with."

Rebecca (Kate Walsh) attempts to reject Judge Hernandez's (Miguel Sandoval) attempts to give her his bolo tie

"I've got some bolt cutters in my car. [Receives blank stare from Caleb.] I like to be prepared!"

Spencer (Troian Bellisario) is basically the Mary Poppins of breaking and entering

"Do you really want your children growing up in this potentially unhappy situation with this abusive man?"

"The savings are significant."

"For which you're prepared to consign them to a miserable childhood?"

"It's childhood! It's over before you know it."

"You should've never been given sperm."

Matt (Matt LeBlanc) tells Sean (Stephen Mangan) he's willing to let his children grow up with a verbally abusive stepfather if it puts an end to his alimony payments

"Oh my God, babe! Game of Thrones is on tonight! It's the series finale! Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow! God, that show has really gone off the rails." 

"It makes sense if you've read the books!"

Circa-2017 Leslie (Amy Poehler) has us very interested in the HBO series' future as she tries to haggle with Ben (Adam Scott)

"Freddy Krueger bought some pants, Oprah has a turtle farm, Peter Piper, pee-pee, poopie, Daddy ate a squirrel!"

Leslie (Amy Poehler) invents her own lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" in an attempt to torture Ron

"Hey, Debs, do you know Svetlana?"

"Of course. She's my brother's lover's baby momma."

Debbie (Emma Kenney) breaks down the complicated relationships on the Showtime series