Quotes Of The Week For Oct. 5, 2014

"I hope they have a very long marriage... full of boredom and mind-numbing regret!"

Quinn (Rena Sofer), taking trying to take the high road after losing lust object Bill to nemesis Brooke

"Even if you do manage to avoid the seizure of all of your assets, you're still going to owe the government... that much."

"What?! Cliff, you've gotta be kidding me. For what? So those fat cats can 'build roads'? So that PBS can keep lining Laura Linney's pockets? No one else is mad about this?"

Mindy (Mindy Kaling), outraged by the amount of money Cliff (Glenn Howerton) says she will owe in taxes

"I can never repay you, and I don't plan to."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling), thanking her lawyer ex-boyfriend for taking on her tax case

"Kurt Wild's real name is Buford Posey."

"Good call with the name change."

Detective Caldwell (Victor Rasuk), revealing a suspect's true identity to Detective Larsen (Dylan McDermott)

"Huck and Quinn were incesting all over the office for God-knows-how-long, and you had no idea!"

Abby (Darby Stanchfield) colorfully illustrating for Olivia just how out of touch she has been with her former Gladiators

"He's paler than a marshmallow. You could watch a movie on his forehead."

Amy (Rita Volk) failing to see the appeal of Twilight's Edward

"And also: Who goes to Texas and Africa? There's never a reason to do that, unless you're a missionary or Hakeem Olajuwon."

"Weekend Update" anchor Michael Che, raising some burning questions about the U.S. Ebola patient

"Was she bringing the thunder, or did we just piss her off?"

"Dr. Bailey doesn't need to bring anything. She is the thunder."

Jo (Camilla Luddington), explaining Miranda's ferocity to Maggie (Kelly McCreary) after the new doc introduced the concept of "bringing the thunder" — giving someone hell in order to be taken seriously

"So the blessed rite between a man and a woman..."

"... has become a billion-dollar business — and some great, guilty-pleasure TV."

Abbie (Nicole Beharie) introducing Ichabod (Tom Mison) to the concept of the wedding industry

"This is insane!"

"So much of my life can be characterized under those auspices."

Abbie (Nicole Beharie) and Ichabod (Tom Mison) consider whether to raise a monster to fight the Headless Horseman

"I specialize in passionate, destructive relationships."

"The best kind."

Dutch's (Ruta Gedmintas) answer to Fet's (Kevin Durand) "Men, or women?" inquiry is even more provocative than he expected

"There was such a large turn out, I took the liberty of expanding Jesus' followers from 12 to 30."

"30?! You can't fit that many people at The Last Supper!"

"Oh, yeah, there's going to another smaller table off to the side."

"I'm at the kids' table at The Last Supper?!"

Adam's (Sean Giambrone) drama teacher (Ana Gasteyer) explains her decision to cast him as the made-up Todd the Apostle in the school musical, "Jesus Christ Superstar"

"Exactly what was she flashing? What did you see??"

"Enough to know you're a very lucky dude, McGee. Let's leave it at that."

McGee (Sean Murray) expressing dismay that Tony (Michael Weatherly) answered Delilah's X-rated Facetime call

"Dad, she's cheating on you! Just ask Jim. At 10:40, Jim heard she was in town. At 11:52, Jim had his hands down his pants. And at 11:53... 'Cumin?' What, is he cooking? 'Cumin'... oh my god."

Things get spicy as Jess (Zooey Deschanel) spies on her dad's girlfriend's text messages

"Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece? It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin."

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) remembers what it was like watching her dad's new girlfriend get down with with Jess' boyfriend under the bleachers in high school

"I thought you directed Fargo."

Stewart responds to Ben Affleck's joking accusation that Rosewater, a film Stewart directed, is very similar to the Affleck-directed Argo

"Are you upset?"

"No. Why would I be upset? Because we just time-travelled, and I found out you murdered me?"

Joanna (Julia Ormond) and Freya (Jenna Dewan Tatum) have such relatable mother-daughter problems

"Hey, who's that?"

"New guy in the character department. Huge dick." [beat] "This type of thinking is how you ended up a teen mom."

Gloria (Camille Guaty) and Lucy (Bianca Santos) have a very special mother-daughter relationship

"Yes, your majesty — what can I do for you?"

"You can help me change fate."

"I can probably tell you if you're wearing too much eye make-up, but... 'change fate,' that is beyond my powers of reflection."

Sidney (Giancarlo Esposito) reminds the Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla) that sometimes a Magic Mirror is just a mirror

"Want to go home and see what's on Netflix?"

"I don't know what that is, but sure!"

After dealing with an "evil snowman," Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) gets familiar with our realm's idea of a quiet night in

"Let me tell you something, Don Lemon, I was so proud of you. Because you were in Ferguson for three days with the same outfit — and as a gay man that was a sacrifice!"

Loni Love, praising an unexpected aspect of the CNN newsman's recent coverage of the shooting death of teenager Mike Brown

"Have you been in love before?"

"I don't even love a football team. How the hell am I supposed to love a woman?"

Josh, answering Amanda's question with way more than the "no" at which he probably should have stopped

"You do know that living patients aren't my thing, right?"

M.E. Lanie (Tamala Jones) gets clarity on Kate's request that she search the long-AWOL Rick for clues

"You sound angry. Did one of your friends get engaged?"

Peter (Seth MacFarlane) demonstrates his keen knowledge of single women during a visit to The Flow

"Let's just agree to stay a half hour away from each other."

"With a pile of garbage between us."

Homer (Dan Castellaneta) and Peter (Seth MacFarlane) make amends, while also taking a dig at Brooklyn Nine-Nine

‎"A phone number? What, is Creel lonely?"

"I doubt it. The guy's jacked and he can turn any body part into any material."

Skye (Chloe Bennett), not mincing words in pondering the fringe benefits of this gifted's certain... gifts

"Every queen of the Hamptons needs her throne."

Wait, was Nolan (Gabriel Mann) talking about Emily... or himself? Either way, great entrance.

"Nolan was wrong. You don't look anything like a stripper."

Emily (Emily VanCamp) upon seeing Jack (Nick Wechsler) in his cop uniform

"I don't think we've officially met. Lieutenant Sheriff Althea Jarry."

"Althea? Guess your folks were hopin' for a black baby."

Sheriff Jarry (Annabeth Gish), getting a not-so-warm welcome from Gemma (Katey Sagal)

"Charmonique. Like Monique, but with a Char."

"Okay, but, in my defense? That's not a real name!"

Henry (John Cho), attempting to give Eliza (Karen Gillan) her first lesson in humility by learning the name of the company receptionist