Quotes Of The Week For June 19, 2016

"Hi, I'm Billy Eichner, and I'm here with a bunch of f—king ribbon."

The Difficult People star introduces himself at the top of a fake commercial for retirement plans

"Well I guess it's back on the ground."

"Uh-uh!"

"Come on! Shirt up, bra down, floobies out, face slack. Dead girl porn. Cosby dream shot!"

Lolly (Lori Petty) persuades Alex (Laura Prepon) to take a topless photo when Kubra sends his (unconscious) hitman a text to see her dead, naked body

"We sneak on to a computer and just leak the information to that dude, um, Julian Assage? Assange? If I can still find his email..."

Conspiracy theorist Lolly (Lori Petty) is dead set on contacting the WikiLeaks guy just as soon as she finds his contact info

"That's a virus. My God. Ice-9... You're gonna take down the Internet."

"Been there, done that."

As horrible a thought as "no Internet" is, Finch (Michael Emerson) in fact has much bigger fish to fry

"What? You're claustrophobic?!"

"Just remember what happened to that fat German kid in Willy Wonka."

Reese (Jim Caviezel) has no interest in getting sucked to the Fudge Room

"I have rainbows and I'm gonna fart glitter until people see it."

LeeAnne Locken tries to sell herself as an inspirational speaker

"He may be her soulmate, but I've been doing him forever!"

Sonja, understandably skeptical of LuAnn's insta-relationship with Tom

"It took a lot of tries to achieve the viscosity of rotten flesh."

"There's a lot going on in that sentence, Maura...."

"Admit it — this looks just like advanced stage arthropod-induced decay."

"You want me to say that to you like it's a compliment!"

Maura (Sasha Alexander) insists to Jane (Angie Harmon) she is zombie-autiful

"So now we're traitors, murderers and horse thieves? Tell me: Does it ever occur to you that taking Claire to wife might not be the wisest thing ye ever did?"

"No. It doesn't."

Murtagh (Duncan Lacroix) should know better than to mess with the bond between Claire (Caitriona Balfe) and Jamie (Sam Heughan)

"Ikea is opening its own design museum in Sweden this month. But be careful, because when they finished building the museum, they still had three pegs left over."

"If I somehow die in the next four minutes, please take all of this off me before you call anyone."

Leave it to Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) to take playtime down a dark path

"A-rod's ego, Jeter's libido, Babe Ruth's love of hotdogs."

Morgan (Ike Barinholtz) describes Mindy as she arrives at the softball tournament 

"This is what you think I look like? Are you, like, blind, 'cause this girl looks nothing like me. Like first of all, my t-ts are way bigger. And secondly, even if you could drag a comb through that hair, she's like a '7' on a good day, and I've been told I'm a '10.'"

Krystal (Tatiana Maslany) refuses to believe she and Sarah (also Tatiana Maslany) are clones

"This is about human experiments, and two factions fighting to control them."

"S—t, that's right."

"So we have Estee Lauder and then we have this Swedish company called Neolution...."

Krystal (Tatiana Maslany) breaks down what's going on in Season 4 (almost) correctly for Art, Felix and Sarah

"I'm sorry, as loud as you guys were being, I thought it was an invitation to join in."

Stan (Billy Zane) jokingly prepares to partake in an afternoon delight with his neighbors

"Socks, they're like social security numbers and diapers. They should only have one owner."

Aubrey (John Boyd) is against the idea of Booth donating his sock collection

"Please press the 'thumbs up' button. I find imbeciles amusing."

Brennan (Emily Deschanel) rates an online video

"I guess we're Lutheran. Who knew?"

"Must've been the cheapest."

Craig (Ben Robson) and Deran (Jake Weary), making small talk as they leave their sister's funeral

"This is a depiction of the most popular children's cartoon character in China: Sad Piglet."

"Who looks just like my daughter Catherine!"

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) notices an uncanny resemblance as Minna (Sally Phillips) details the signifcance of a gift from China's president

"Surround him with some trees, make him look human-sized."

Dan (Reid Scott) suggests one way to make Jonah more relatable to voters

"He works constantly. $500,000? He will make that back before 'Hot Topics' is over!"

Wendy counsels her audience not to lose any sleep over a robbery at Kevin Hart's house

"The way she looks at him. The way all women look at him is, frankly, irritating. I preferred working with the little brother on that account."

While musing about the possibility of Brienne and Jaime being intimate, Bronn (Jerome Flynn) lets Pod (Daniel Portman) in on his biggest complaint about working with Cersei's twin

"You think you're bold? You think you know sin? You're still learning the language. I wrote the bloody book! You want to play with me, kitten? Then show me your claws."

Dorian (Reeve Carney), throwing some epic shade at Justine

"I know our lives are completely out of control right now. We barely have time to breathe, let alone—"

"Pay bills?"

"I was gonna say 'make love,' but that, too."

Vincent (Jay Ryan) is thinking honey, while Catherine (Kristin Kreuk) is thinking money