Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 9, 2015

"Do you know what J.P. Morgan said?"

"I don't. We're not close."

Betty (Annaleigh Ashford) has little patience for Masters' (Michael Sheen) questions

"So stop looking at me with those watery turd eyes, and get me a damn wedding dress, bitch."

Britney (Arielle Kebbel) tells Rachel, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she needs now that she's back on set

"D.C. is Hollywood for ugly people."

Quinn (Constance Zimmer) is not a fan of Rachel's (Shiri Appleby)'s politicians-themed reality show idea

"He said he had to take a leak. Maybe he had to do the 'other' things.... He's the president, what can you do?"

Tex (John Pyper Ferguson) tries to account for Michener's long potty break

"Do you like to party? Do you like to have fun?"

"All right, that's it. Date's over!"

"Wait, why?"

"Because by 'party,' he means cocaine, and by 'fun,' he means having sex with multiple people.

"That is not what he means!"

"That is what I mean."

Emma (Jessica St. Clair), saving Maggie (Lennon Parham) from her Tinder date

"An understudy, it's like a fancy word for disappointment."

Julie (Julie Klausner) letting a couple of young Broadway theatergoers know that they should lower their expectations for a matinee performance of Annie

"That, to me, is what this show is all about: Fresh, new, androgynous — it was like the 'Scream' painting mixed with a Calvin Klein campaign."

Cat Deeley may not be a judge, but the host can't contain her excitement over Edson and Megz's dazzling contemporary routine

"You want to explain to me what the hell you were thinking?!"

"Not particularly."

Cochise (Doug Jones) is all too human in dodging Anne's anger about him removing Maggie's spikes

"Don't get cocky with me, music man. I banged, snorted and ingested some of the biggest bands of the '80s."

"Dexy's Midnight Runners?"

"Who the hell do you think Eileen was?"

Principal Taylor (Peri Gilpin) quickly establishes her music cred with substitute teacher/bandleader Craig (Craig Robinson)

"This is like the Real Housewives of political thinking now. 'You need a soundbite!' Somebody has to say something amazing in three seconds so it can be regurgitated over and over on shows like us."

Kelly Ripa weighs in on Republican presidential debate strategy

"I had a thing for Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything. He was so romantic in that movie, and he was so sexy. My husband Thomas took me to see it, and that night afterwards, we had the best... dinner."

Sara (Mary Page Keller) realizes she might have over-shared at her daughter's bachelorette party

"And if you're totally convinced that there should be just 50 states, well then let's all kick out Florida 'cause no one thinks they're great!"

John Oliver and a chorus of kids aren't exactly singing the Sunshine State's praises as they call for Washington, D.C.'s statehood

"Jill, I'm not in a Tennessee Williams play, and my lover isn't exactly a gentleman."

Candace (Joanna Cassidy) objects to her daughter-in-law's use of the term "gentleman caller"

"Listen, pu—y. If you don't do what I say, then the giant s–tstorm that rains turds later will leave a trail of clouds in the sky spelling out your name."."

Cisco (Michael Drayer), in vivid terms, tells Ollie how it's gonna be

"If we just do whatever evolution equips us to do, murder and cannibalism are morally acceptable."

"They are acceptable — to murderers and cannibals. And you."

"And you."

In case it wasn't already 100 percent clear, Will (Hugh Dancy) and Bedelia (Gillian Anderson) have each spent a little too much time in Dr. Lecter's company over the last few seasons

"Nothing says summer like a hot bowl of bacon ramen."

Guest judge Katie Lee takes a withering view of Alex's inability to work within the confines of his "summer family reunion" parameters

"Shawn, to me, I have a weird fascination with, because one moment, he looks like Ryan Gosling, next moment, Alf!"

Scandal's Joshua Malina, summing up the appeal of newly engaged Bachelorette Kaitlyn's fiancé

"This is the kind of thing somebody makes for you before they kill you."

Jessica St. Clair is a little freaked out by the Hoda- and Kathie Lee-faced cookies she and Playing House co-star Lennon Parham brought for their hosts