Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 16, 2015

"Why does this say it was written by Nell Carter?"

"Yes, that's my nom de plume."

"I thought it was Phylicia Rashad."

"It's not the right time for that name anymore."

"Well, just so you know, Nell Carter is a also real person."

"Oh, gimme a break."

"Yes! That was the TV show she was on!"

"Who?"

"Nell Carter!"

"I was never on a show."

Emma (Jessica St. Clair) and her mom Gwen (Jane Kaczmarek) have a "Who's on First?" moment — based around '80s television — while dishing the latter's new play

"You almost froze Aria and Spencer to death!"

"Almost."

"You drove a car through Emily's house!"

"And I almost cut her in half, too. But is she hurt? No."

Challenged by Alison, CeCe (Vanessa Ray) puts the best possible spin on her "A"ntics

"I get this gift out of the blue..."

"The blue meaning sex without a condom?"

April (Rochelle Aytes) can't help but throw a tiny bit of shade at Karen's (Yunjin Kim) rosy portrait of her unplanned pregnancy

"I just got a sermon on gender fluidity from some arsonist truck driver named Roz. How the hell am I even in here?"

Joss (Jes Macallan) reminds her attorney how badly she wants him to get her out of the clink

"Baby, that's a $400,000 ring!"

"Kobe spent $4 million, you delusional prick!"

"He makes more than me!"

Ricky (John David Washington) is not impressing Bella (Anabelle Acosta) with his pricey apology jewelry

"Jaja looks like me before the beauticians."

Cat wants us to think she's got something in common with Jaja's "Bearded Lady" circus costume

"Sweetheart, it's not polite to discuss how much money you have. Now go wash up: We'll order in from Spago and project Frozenon the wall of the east terrace."

Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky) reminds new foster son Deion not to rub his money in maid Carmen's face — because apparently, it's her job

"When I was child, my mother would wash my mouth out with soap. So, here's an artisanal lemongrass body bar. I want him to learn his lesson, but I see no reason he shouldn't have the best."

Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky) tries to convince Carmen (Roselyn Sanchez) that her cleaning job extends to her son's potty mouth

"I can finish showing them around if you want to take a break."

"And go where?"

"You've always wanted to see Canada."

Betty (Annaleigh Ashford) tries to help get Virginia (Lizzy Caplan) as far away from her visiting parents as possible

"You f–ked with the wrong pastor!!"

Buddy (Michael Rosenbaum) gives Alexa's thuggish "friend" a holy beat down

"Yeah, because it probably looks really real!"

Guest co-host Busy Philipps understands why Hitman: Agent 47 editors wound up using a fight-scene take during which star Rupert Friend got hit with a shell casing and began to bleed from the forehead

"Louis, let me put this in terms you might understand: Harvey is Jon Snow, I'm his Uncle Benjen, and you used me to lure him out so everybody could stab him to death."

"How dare you defile Game of Thrones by comparing Harvey to Jon Snow."

Louis (Rick Hoffman) doesn't care for Mike's metaphor

"It's not every day that you make partner, and I've never known anyone who deserves it s much as you."

"Except for you."

"Well, that goes without saying."

"So why'd you say it?"

"Because it had to be said."

Harvey (Gabriel Macht) commends Mike (Patrick J. Adams) on achieving near-Harvey-like levels of success

"Listen, we're not gonna go for cosmos or anything... but yeah, you and I are going to need each other."

After saving each other from an Army goon, Maggie (Sarah Carter) and Isabella (Catalina Sandino Moreno) form a tenuous alliance

"Why are they so scared of you?"

"I think it's our plan to conquer the planet and make humanity our slaves... Sorry. That was a joke."

"So you can do deadpan. That's good to know."

Mia the android (Gemma Chan) surprises Laura (Katherine Parkinson) with her comedic skills

"They say they're not having sex, but they've been together for four years. Somebody's chafed! Somebody has to use Desitin between their legs or something like that! I don't believe it!"

Traci is not convinced about her son's tales of chastity

"New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith broke his jaw yesterday in training camp after getting punched in the face by a teammate. Smith tried to punch him back but his fist was intercepted and returned for a touchdown."

"S–! S—ty-s—t stupid s—t!"

John (Aaron Ashmore) makes clear his reaction to triggering an alarm

"I'm Khlyen, the evil assclown."

John (Aaron Ashmore) has some fun with the voice modulator

"I smell White Diamonds. Help me!"

Ford (Dylan Gelula) is overwhelmed by a hug from Brenna's grandmother

"Seriously?! I swear this family belongs on Game of Thrones."

Brenna (Haley Ramm) after learning that her mother once dated her uncle before marrying his brother