Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Blacklist, Big Bang, Goldbergs, Mentalist, Letterman & More

The Big Bang Theory

"On the card, in the hospital, next to the woman who is clinging to life are the words: 'Hey Vivian, you deserve this. And at least with you gone, no one will steal my yogurt out of the fridge. LOL, smiley face. P.S. Good luck wherever you wind up.'"

Bernadette (Melissa Rauch), bemoaning what she wrote on a co-worker's get well card, which she thought was a retirement card

The Blacklist

"God, I miss Bob Ross.... Public television painter with a little squirrel on his shoulder and the happy little trees.... Absolutely mesmerizing."

Red (James Spader), ignoring an asset's plea to not harm his mother, as they chat in a museum

Grey's Anatomy

"Back off, Scrooge McDuck! I'll be fine!"

"Your face is Scrooge McDuck!"

"Your rejoinders need work."

Callie (Sara Ramirez), critiquing Jo's (Camilla Luddington) comeback during an argument over money with Alex (Justin Chambers)

Grey's Anatomy (Bonus Quote!)

"Look, there's two kinds of man sick — the Jackson kind and the Ben Warren kind. Now, when I get home tonight, Dr. Ben Warren will call out, 'Miranda,' from his fetal position on the couch and beg me for Saltines and a wet washcloth for his head. Jackson's crawl-away-like-a-goat is the good kind."

Bailey (Chandra Wilson), explaining to April why she's lucky her ailing husband would rather crawl away like a goat than accept her help

Late Show With David Letterman

"When you see an open laptop on a talk-show guy's desk, you know they are down with the social media."

Paul Shaffer, razzing David Letterman while the host attempted to correct the misspelling of the word 'whose' in a Tweet that he'd used to compile a viewer-generated Top 10 list ("Responses to My Tweet: 'Who's Idea Was the Light Lunch?'")

How I Met Your Mother

"Oh, that's a pretty name. What is that? French?"

Tracy (Cristin Milioti), aka The Mother, as Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) is talking about conquest "No. 31"

Cougar Town

"All my purses are either day-glo or held up in a police evidence locker."

Laurie (Busy Philipps), explaining why she needs to borrow a "classy" purse from Jules

Jeopardy!

"I went to Bangladesh about 10 years ago and toured a garment factory and thought, 'What if I saw a shirt that I was wearing being made by these people?' I'm trying to put a face on who might make our clothes. So maybe you can find out the names of the 8-year-olds who made your fancy suit there, Alex."

Contestant Tom Kavanaugh, making a dig at Alex Trebek after explaining the documentary he will make about sweatshop labor if he wins the Battle of the Decades Tournament

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

"I bet The Clairvoyant didn't see that coming."

Agent Hand (Saffron Burrows), responding to Ward suddenly gunning down their (seemingly) omniscient (seeming) target

The Mentalist

"You think I'm stupid?"

"Ask me that question again when you don't have a gun."

Jane (Simon Baker), dodging a bullet from an art thief (Charles Mesure)

The Mindy Project

"I guess we're goin' with cremation after all."

Cliff (Glenn Howerton), looking on the bright side after Mindy and Danny almost burn down the church during his grandmother's funeral

Mom

"You know what the best part is? You're the only mom who's not worried about her daughter getting knocked up on prom night."

Bonnie (Allison Janney), trying to make Christy (Anna Faris) feel better about their respective daughter/granddaughter Violet attending the big school dance with a bun in the oven

Person of Interest

"I got the scoop on why all these [women] are so fond of you, 'Frank.' You gave the brunette a promise ring, then slept with her best friend the redhead before having a fling with the blonde...."

"Well that's not too bad."

"...whose mother you seduced."

"Oh."

Shaw (Sarah Shahi), giving undercover Reese (Jim Caveizel) the high-school reunion gossip on why he keeps getting slapped by random women

Resurrection

"You realize you two are finishing each other's sentences, right?"

Sheriff Langston (Matt Craven), picking up on noticeable chemistry between Maggie (Devin Kelley) and Agent Bellamy (Omar Epps)

Nashville

"I wanted to be your wife!"

Rayna (Connie Britton), getting real with Deacon (Charles Esten) about how deeply she felt for him before his drinking tore them apart

Suburgatory

" "I'll never understand why you had to make everything a competition between Georgia and me. I suppose the answer to all these questions now lies at the bottom of the sea... down in the bubbly blue... where you came from... sea bitch!"

Dallas (Cheryl Hines), purging her angry feelings toward her dead mother, a woman she always irrationally believed came from the sea

The Goldbergs

"You speak French?!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I was in the war! I helped liberate France!"

"That was real?"

A shocked Erica (Hayley Orrantia) discovering her "Pops" (George Segal) can understand a second language

The Walking Dead

"They're gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out."

"Find out what?"

"They're screwin' with the wrong people."

Rick (Andrew Lincoln) to Abraham (Michael Cudlitz), after being taken prisoner by the denizens of Terminus

The View

"Why is my big, black box so much bigger than yours?"

Sherri Shepherd, wondering why her censored area was larger than co-host Jenny McCarthy's when the pair went topless to lampoon HBO's Girls

The Good Wife [contains spoilers]

"That felt good."

"It turned me on."

Diane (Christine Baranski) and David (Zach Grenier), sharing a light moment after firing a client who insisted on an in-person meeting the day of Will's death

Once Upon a Time

"You do know he tried to kill me."

"There were... extenuating circumstances."

"Twice?"

"Sorry... ?"

Belle (Emilie de Ravin), questioning the choice of Captain Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) as her protector

Arrow

"I told a guy the truth, and he got struck by lightning. To be fair, it probably won't happen again. Statistically."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards), chiming in on Oliver's advice to Roy. (Get well soon, Barry!)