Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Blacklist, S.H.I.E.L.D., Amy Schumer, Elementary And More

The Blacklist

"Here's an example of honesty, Tom: You've been making me pancakes for two years. I hate pancakes."

Liz (Megan Boone), hoping to get information out of duplicitous husband Tom (Ryan Eggold)

Inside Amy Schumer

"You deserve this! You make Kate Middleton look like a mental patient, s***ting herself in a rusty wheelchair."

An overly welcoming hotel employee (Rachel Dratch), going overboard to calm a guest (Amy Schumer) who worries she's not worthy of a super-fancy room

Bates Motel

"I'm just not really sure they go."

"Oh, sure they go! That's the great thing about taxidermy — it goes with everything!"

Norma (Vera Farmiga), trying and failing to talk Norman (Freddie Highmore) out of adding dead animals to their living room's decor

Dancing With the Stars

"Redfoo — the first guest judge to make Bruno [Tonioli] look like an accountant."

Tom Bergeron, comparing the outré lead singer of LMFAO to the show's flamboyant permanent panelist

Veep

"I don't watch [Saturday Night Live]. It's completely juvenile."

Selina (played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who got her start as an SNL cast member), after the show does an unflattering sketch about her

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

"You wash up on a desert island, alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box? ... Just say the first answer that comes to your mind."

"The TARDIS."

Simmons (Elizabeth Henstridge) — a Whovian, understandably — going through "orientation" with Agent Koenig

Salem

"Judge not lest ye be judged."

"Who said that?!"

"Jesus. You mighta heard of him."

John (Shane West), spoiling all the fun of Sibley's (Michael Mulheren) public torture of a fornicator

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! ... Sean Hannity knows my name!"

Host Jon Stewart, responding to a clip in which the Fox News Channel host noted that Stewart was "obsessed" with him

Suburgatory

"What is she talking about? 'Cutest Non-White'? We're not allowed to do that anymore."

Sheila (Ana Gasteyer), expressing confusion after Tessa (Jane Levy) hijacks the Little Miss Chatswin podium and says there's still an award that has yet to be given out

Game of Thrones

"Say what you will of Cersei, she loves her children. She is the only one I'm certain had nothing to do with this murder. Which makes it unique, as King's Landing murders go."

Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), ruling out his sister as a suspect in Joffrey's murder

The Big Bang Theory

"You can't be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense I'd follow Leonard on Instagram."

Sheldon (Jim Parsons), learning that Penny (Kaley Cuoco) has lured him to a psychic

Modern Family

"Shopping with Lily is the best birth control in the world."

"Yeah.... But you know it's not, right?"

Alex (Ariel Winter), going the extra mile to make sure Haley (Sarah Hyland) doesn't make her an aunt sooner than necessary

Orphan Black

"I'm Cosima. The real Cosima. Not the one who kicked your ass or whatever. Gotta love concealer."

Cosima (Tatiana Maslany), greeting Rachel (also Maslany), who got a beating from Sarah (yep, Maslany again)

The Mindy Project

"How can a Jewish guy not be circumcised?"

"My family is not that Jewish. The theme of my bar mitzvah was 'Christmas in Connecticut."

Danny (Chris Messina), confronting Peter (Adam Pally) after his... peter... was spied wearing "a hood"

The Mindy Project (Bonus Quote!)

"I heard that birth control makes you fat and cranky."

"So does pregnancy."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling), setting her young patient Jenny (B.K. Cannon) straight about

Grey's Anatomy

"If there's one thing the Harper Avery Foundation can't do well, it's decide who should get something. Tell them that if they cut my funding, I cut their tires. Cristina Yang deserved that award, not Dr. Nobody Sucks-A-Lot from Hopkins. And tell them in short sentences with little, tiny words, because THEY are BONEHEADS!"

Meredith (Ellen Pompeo), reacting — strongly — to Jackson's somewhat innocuous question about lab needs

Real Time With Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop showing me tiny horrifying insects magnified 1,000 times. That's why God made them microscopic — so we couldn't see them. As long as this thing hasn't left my hotel blanket and hopped on to my pubes, I don't care."

Bill Maher, during his April 25 "New Rules" segment

Elementary

"She has a very symmetrical face. She will attract a mate when she's ready."

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller), weighing in on the romantic prospects of his partner Watson (Lucy Liu)

Glee

"You see, I've been taking my cues from cable news lately, and just lying a lot."

Sue (Jane Lynch), explaining her new life philosophy to Will

The Amazing Race

"I'm getting my Leonardo DiCaprio on."

A not-very-artistic Flight Time, trying (and failing) to channel Leonardo da Vinci in a challenge

Supernatural

"You want me to enlist my men in a protection detail against vampires? Frank's still in the dark about what hit him last night. The guy still has nightmares about the barn episode of Walking Dead."

Sheriff Mills (Kim Rhodes), responding to Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean's (Jensen Ackles) plan

About a Boy

"All I care about is tonight going well. This is a rare opportunity for me to have sex."

"What kind of game night is this?"

Andy (Al Madrigal), begging Will (David Walton) not to ruin his chances at getting lucky

About a Boy (Bonus Quote!)

"They must keep Cinderella in the back."

Marcus (Benjamin Stockham), after seeing that two of his babysitter's three daughters look like very mean girls

Awkward

"Ouch! 'K?' Well, 'kk' is the only polite way to respond to a text. ... I mean, I take 'k' as an insult."

Eva (Elizabeth Whitson) giving Jenna a lesson in text etiquette

Castle

"Come on, baby — once you go white, nothing else seems right!"

"I'd rather be dead than end up in your bed, jive turkey."

"Foxy" Lanie (Tamala Jones) fends off time-warped Harold's 1970s-style come-on

Mad Men

"Who are these from...?!"

"It's hard to believe your cat has the money."

Stan (Jay R. Ferguson) is as stumped as Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) about her (seeming) Valentine's identity