Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Castle, Today, Kimmel, Criminal Minds & More

Castle

"I am not choosing our song off a list that includes Def Leppard's 'Pour Some Sugar On Me.'"

"Uh, that song, I am sure, ignited many a strip club romance in 1987."

Beckett (Stana Katic), dismissing Castle's (Nathan Fillion) list of possible wedding songs

Castle (Bonus Quote!)

"I'd offer a theory, but I'm too busy having detention flashbacks."

Castle (Nathan Fillion), struggling to solve a murder at his former high school

Cougar Town

"Highway to the 'Lady Zone'! What what?"

Laurie (Busy Philipps), being a little over-enthusiastic after Ellie (Christa Miller) touches her face while trying to convince a pre-school administrator that they are, in fact, a lesbian couple

Criminal Minds

"Look at us, we're all grown up — like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. And Savannah and Sam... Oh, can Sam be Jennifer Garner?!"

Garcia (Kristen Vangsness), remarking on her and Morgan's thoughtful, respective Valentine's Day plans

Downton Abbey

"Rosamund has no interest in French. If she wishes to be understood by a foreigner, she shouts."

Violet (Maggie Smith), poking a hole in Edith's (Laura Carmichael) tall tale of accompanying her aunt on a months-long trip to study the language of love

Girls

"You're a f***ing narcissist. Seriously, I have never met anyone else who thinks their own life is so f***ing fascinating. I wanted to fall asleep in my own vomit all day listening to you talk about how you bruise more easily than other people."

Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet), unleashing her drunken fury on Hannah

House of Cards

"Mr. Vice President, what you're asking is just shy of treason."

"Just shy. Which is politics."

Frank (Kevin Spacey), giving skittish junior congressman Jackie (Molly Parker) a reality check during a tense negotiation

The Ellen DeGeneres Show

"I gave her a box set of Just Shoot Me!"

David Spade, explaining to host Ellen DeGeneres his 5-year-old daughter's joyous expression in a photo from Christmas 2013

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"I didn't even know it was called Ice Dancing. I turned it on, I just assumed it was a 'Mom Blouses and Horrible Pants' competition."

Jimmy Kimmel, riffing on his latest sampling of the Winter Olympics

Late Show With David Letterman

"It's either a filthy couch or a comfy ashtray."

David Letterman, unveiling one of the Top 10 Signs You're Staying in a Bad Hotel

Winter Olympics

"I love the fact that we're at the point where we let the 'oafish' comment go."

"It's totally normal."

NBC Olympic figure skating commentators Terry Gannon and Tara Lipinski remarking on colleague Johnny Weir's harsh (yet accurate) description of a male athlete during the pairs competition

The Bachelor

"I wish I was a little... a little dumber."

Sharleen, noticing that all she and Juan Pablo share is a love of making out

The Walking Dead

"You got a damn mouth on you, you know that? What else ya got?"

Abraham (Michael Cudlitz), making a lasting first impression on Tara (Alanna Masterson)

Today

"You taking the red-eye home?"

Matt Lauer, getting in one last dig at Olympic host Bob Costas, who had to sit out several nights of coverage because of an eye infection