Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Chelsea Lately, Once, Family Guy, NCIS, Braxtons & More

Revenge

"When Conrad reaches out, beware of what's in his hand."

Victoria (Madeleine Stowe), expressing skepticism of the olive branch her husband is extending to Patrick (Justin Hartley)

Family Guy

"Tough don't sell in curly-toe shoes."

Vinny (Tony Sirico), suggesting that Stewie (Seth MacFarlane) not try going the macho route while dressed as an elf

Saturday Night Live

"There is no demographic in this world that gives less of a flip than 70-year-old lesbians."

Billie Jean King (Kate McKinnon), explaining her intent to challenge Russia's anti-gay policies in her role as a U.S. delegate to the 2014 Winter Olympics

Once Upon a Time

"There's not a day that will go by I won't think of you."

"Good."

Hook (Colin O'Donoghue), saying farewell to Emma (Jennifer Morrison)

Chelsea Lately

"If you saw him coming after you in the woods, anal is the first thing I would see coming."

Chelsea Handler, looking at a picture of Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, suspended by A&E for an interview in which he called homosexuality a sin, then aded, "It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man's anus."

Person of Interest

"When I said 'drink,' I didn't mean club soda. Did Finch appoint you to be my designated driver, too?"

Reese (James Caviezel), mocking Fusco's order of a "bourbon and soda, hold the bourbon" — unaware that he's a recovering alcoholic

How I Met Your Mother

"I miss being in a band where people are decent to each other and there's no drama. I'm going back to the new Guns N' Roses!"

Darren (Andrew Rannells), quitting The Mother's band after Ted punches him in the face

The Talk

"Every girl needs a hard drive, not a floppy drive."

Sheryl Underwood, discussing the movie Her and its story about falling in love with technology

NCIS

"I don't like ginger."

"Not in your cookies, anyway. You're a cinnamon mannnn... Like the cinnamon girl. Neil Young. It's just an analogy. A red-headed metaphor."

When Gibbs (Mark Harmon) declines Bishop's offer of a cookie, DiNozzo (Michael Weatherly) gets spicy, noting Boss' predilection for redheads

Braxton Family Values

"You gotta have this conversation — and early. 'Cause the later you wait, the shadier it looks. And ain't nobody got time for the shade — especially when you already got a tan!"

Tamar, telling Trina to come clean to their sister Towanda about wanting to back out of her role in Towanda's 40th birthday celebration

Mom

"And this Chateau Montelena is for all the wine snobs and their nutty top notes!"

Bonnie (Allison Janney), destroying the high-end wine collection of Chef Rudy (French Stewart) — who dumped her after a one-night stand

I Love Lucy

"I don't know what's happened to my voice lately. I don't sing well anymore."

"Lately...?" "Anymore...?"

"I grant you, my voice isn't quite what it used to be."

"It's exactly what it used to be. That's what's wrong with it."

Lucy (Lucille Ball), attempting to join in a holiday tune and hitting a sour note with husband Ricky (Desi Arnaz) and BFF Ethel (Vivian Vance)

Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People of 2013

"2014 is gonna be a whole 'nother year. I'm gonna work on my acoustic record, I'm gonna go on tour..."

"With clothes on?"

"Clothes on, too."

Miley Cyrus and Barbara Walters, discussing the pop star's next career move

2 Broke Girls

"Kissing a married man has never been in my life plan. It's not on my vision board or in my dreamscape. I am not that kind of person."

"But she is the kind of person who has a vision board and says dreamscape, so let's judge her for that."

Max (Kat Dennings), taking a jab at a guilt-ridden Caroline (Beth Behrs), who just discovered that Nicolas (Gilles Marin) has a wife