Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Chicago Fire, Elementary, Grey's, Bones, Enlisted & More

The Walking Dead

"Peanut butter and jelly, diet soda and pig's feet... That's a white trash brunch right there."

Daryl (Norman Reedus), after he and Beth discover a, um, smorgasbord in the cupboard of a funeral home

Suburgatory

"He should be anywhere between 6'2" and 6'2 1/2". Brunette, but blonde as a child. Strong cheekbones with a weak chin that quivers when he cries — but he never cries. Overly arched eyebrows are a plus. His relaxed face should look like he's tasting a gross lemon. He should be cut — in both senses of the word. Slight curve to my left if possible. Devout Buddist."

Dalia (Carly Chaikin), explaining to a matchmaker the very specific qualities she's seeking in a boyfriend

Suburgatory (Bonus Quote!)

"Oh my God, Mommy, no. You look like a New Yorker cartoon."

Dalia (Carly Chaikin), reacting to her mother's (Cheryl Hines) dramatic make-under

The Good Wife

"That was almost Will-like."

"Thank you, Diane'"

Alicia (Julianna Margulies) and Cary (Matt Czuchry), cheekily pay each other compliments by referencing their former Lockhart-Gardner bosses

Parks and Recreation

"That's the super-cool thing about this website. It does everything for you. So we can just sit back and take it easy."

"No. No. We're not going to do that. We're going to sit forward. And take it hard."

Leslie (Amy Poehler) disagreeing with Ben's (Adam Scott) approach to coming up with a new slogan for Pawnee

Elementary

"Bullet-riddled man. Is the decor in here not American enough for you? We could get some Rockwells and a deep-fat frier."

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller), taking a dubious view of a framed target-practice sheet brought home by Watson (Lucy Liu)

Once Upon a Time

"I've been in my fair share of brigs, but none as barbaric as that. They force-fed me something called 'bologna'!"

Captain Hook (Colin O'Donoghue), recounting his harrowing stint in an NYPD jail

Once Upon a Time (Bonus Quote!)

"He's kind of cute, huh?"

"He smells like forest!"

Regina (Lana Parrilla) fending off Snow White's (Ginnifer Goodwin) attempt to play wingman for their new acquaintance Robin Hood

Cougar Town

"The closest I ever came to a Golden Ticket was when I found that dirty Band-Aid in my calzone."

Laurie (Busy Philipps), reminiscing in response to Bobby winning a contest that gives him free burritos for a year

Chicago Fire

"What part of the cake did you get?"

"I think the epididymis. You?"

"Corpus spongiosum. First time I've ever had that in my mouth."

"Oh yeah? How is it?"

"Eh."

Dawson (Monica Raymund) and her lesbian pal Shay (Lauren German) while eating Hermann's penis-shaped "I got a vasectomy!" cake

Grey's Anatomy

"It's a donor organ, so it can't be re-gifted."

April (Sarah Drew), responding to a kidney donor who asks for his organ back after his donee is declared brain dead

The Amazing Race

"This is fun! We're like Huck Finn and Oliver Twist."

Country singers Caroline and Jennifer, botching literature references as they build their own raft for a challenge

Girls

"Dottie graduated cum laude from Barnard. She works at a travel book company. She does magical singing on the side. She's dating an Egyptian so she's like — super knowledgeable about what's going on there. She is an incredibly inspiring person."

Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) listing Dottie's (Felicity Jones) accomplishments to Dottie's father, Jasper (Richard E. Grant), in an attempt to reconnect father and daughter – and rid Jessa (Jemima Kirke) of him and the cocaine addiction.

Enlisted

"Sir, you seem kind of grumpy. So can I ask you a question, and I mean no disrespect. Do you have to poop?"

Randy (Parker Young) to a cranky, old army vet (Dean Stockwell)

Bones

"Are you going to ruin this moment with poop?"

Angela (Michaela Conlin) wondering if husband Hodgins (T.J. Thyne) can put aside his scatological findings in the lab for some sweet couple time

Community

"I guess it was just air."

Annie's brother Anthony (Spencer Crittenden), explaining why his trip to the bathroom was so quick.

Modern Family

"So, you're saying it's just your girlfriend and 36 super in-shape dudes?"

"Thirty-seven. And it's not what you think. The Coast Guard seriously frowns on fraternizing. It's forbidden."

"Oh, that doesn't make it hot."

Haley (Sarah Hyland), trying — yet failing — to make Andy the Manny have concerns about his long-distance romance

The Americans

"I watched a guy do laundry all night. What single guy does four loads of laundry?"

"What married guy does four loads of laundry?"

FBI agent Stan (Noah Emmerich) and wife Sandra (Susan Misner) discussing his stakeout the night before

RuPaul's Drag Race

"She's kinda like a daughter I want to slap."

Guest judge Lena Headey, assessing contestant Adore Delano

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

"Uh-oh: Did I just plan the worst wedding in history?"

"Second worst: 'Red Wedding,' Game of Thrones."

Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) and Peralta (Andy Samberg), discussing the former's outlandish nuptials

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

"I never asked you — how was Tahiti?"

"It sucked."

Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), no longer feeling so "magical" about his post mortem getaway

Bob's Burgers

"Open up your butt cheeks! This is how our butts speak!"

Gene (Eugene Mirman), literally singing the praises of farting during a fantasy sequence

About a Boy

"You know, your sarcasm is ineffective against my absolute rightness. Although, halfway through that, I closed my eyes and I thought you were Adele."

Will (David Walton), after the very British Fiona (Minnie Driver) attempts to win an argument with him