Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Fallon, Colbert, Justified, Once, Mindy, GoT & More

Veep

"Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey."

"What do you think of that title?"

"It's so full of s–t, there's a colon right smack dab in the middle."

Ben Caffrey (Kevin Dunn) and Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), giving some less-than-glowing criticism to the title of Selina's new book

Veep (bonus quote!)

"What's Google's number?"

"I don't know. Ask Jeeves."

Jonah (Timothy Simons), asking a very unhelpful Dan (Reid Scott) how to remove a photo from the Internet

The Mindy Project

"Danny, are you embarrassed of me? Because I'm very smart and successful. And I'm hot, but I like don't even know it, which makes me even hotter."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling), questioning Danny's (Chris Messina) reluctance to go public with their new relationship

Once Upon a Time

"My mother taught me one thing: 'Never bring your heart to a witch fight' — something you'd know if she hadn't abandoned you."

Regina (Lana Parrilla), fending off Zelena with a truly wicked rejoinder

Shameless

"Why didn't you tell me you have a grandfather?"

"He doesn't have wifi."

Sheila (Joan Cusack) talking to one of the Native American children (Tai Urban) she wanted to adopt after she loses custody to their great-grandfather

Saturday Night Live

"You're getting really upset. And whenever a man shows emotion, I appear."

Taylor Swift, explaining to guest host Seth Rogen why she crashed his opening monologue

The Colbert Report

"And I've gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in that chair."

Stephen Colbert, discussing David Letterman's replacement... which happens to be him

Justified

"...while I appreciate your concern, this may as well be a slow night in a Champagne Room for how comfortably erect I'm going to be watching your b—ch ass squirm about."

Tim (Jacob Pitts), putting to rest Daryl Crowe's worry over his U.S. Marshal detail having a boring stakeout

Justified (Bonus Quote!)

"You ever pulled off a shot like that, Mr. Ranger-snapper?"

"Good guys don't need to shoot people with their hands cuffed, Crowder."

Boyd (Walton Goggins) gets no props from Tim (Jacob Pitts) for his bit of behind-the-back, hands-cuffed gunplay

The ACM Awards

"Everybody here tonight is ready to listen to some great, amazing, live music."

"And if you don't like live music, then you need to go down the block and see Britney Spears."

Hosts Luke Bryan and Blake Shelton, ripping on one of Vegas' current acts during this year's ceremony

Trophy Wife

"Your husband works for Blackberry and you're worried about me?"

Diane (Marcia Gay Harden), responding to a fellow member of the PTA who is concerned about her well-being

Revenge

"If you think I'm going to spill my secrets for nothing, your hubris is as offensive as my former cellmate's grooming habits."

Jailbird Mason (Roger Bart), haggling with Victoria

Parks and Recreation

"This comes from... your mother's butt?"

April (Aubrey Plaza), having far too much snarky fun at a wine tasting event

The Following

"I was born at night, but not last night."

Mandy (Tiffany Boone), letting Lily (Connie Nielsen) know she's not as naïve as she seems

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

"Pro: House Lannister is a spoiled family that doesn't work and lives off their wealth. Con: So is House Kardashian."

Jimmy Fallon, weighing the pros and cons of watching Game of Thrones

Inside Amy Schumer

"Who would you have brought to the prom if you could've brought like any celebrity?"

"I love Liz Phair, which makes me sound super old."

"No, not old. Maybe not straight, but..."

Amy Schumer, teasing an interview subject during a 'man on the street' segment

Game of Thrones

"A one-handed man with no family needs all the help he can get."

Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance), agreeing to let his son Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) keep a special sword despite the tension between them

Glee

"His impressions were really good. His Bill Cosby impression? Spot on."

"His impression of all the Cosbys were good, and I don't think a Tempestt Bledsoe impression's easy. I'm surprised he found a toehold there."

Shaynice (Ashley Blaine Featherson) and Tesla (Dana Davis), futilely trying to give Sam the benefit of the doubt after an awkward first encounter with him

RuPaul's Drag Race

"The only way we had the opportunity to eat was my mother would read us recipes from a cookbook, and oh, how I got full many nights off of the roast beef on Page 27. But a really unfortunate thing happened. My sister caught an ear infection, so she starved to death."

Trinity K. Bonet, making light of her humble upbringing for a comedy competition

RuPaul's Drag Race (Bonus Quote!)

"My mother insisted that we stay true to our Spanish heritage, so my first words were [knock, knock, knock], 'Housekeeping.'"

Bianca Del Rio, making like Don(na) Rickles during a stand-up challenge