Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Mindy Project, Castle, Downton, Justified, NCIS & More

Justified

"Well, hey, Raylan.... Can I get you a blowjob or something?"

Wade (James LeGros) welcomes Raylan (Timothy Olyphant) to Audrey's. (The Marshal opted for a water.)

NCIS

"Oh hey, Gibbs — I hear [Hollis Mann]'s back. Is she still the same? Did you guys get to talk? Was it totally awkward?"

"It is now."

Abby (Pauley Perrette), feeling out Gibbs (Mark Harmon) about his ex-lover's return... unaware that Hollis is with him.

Cougar Town

"I once had sex in a cemetery. I had 'Frieda Rogers, loving wife and mother' imprinted on my back for, like, two weeks."

Laurie (Busy Philipps), sharing a tale from her past

Castle

"Javier? You're going to name a white Irish kid Javier?"

"You're going to bust on me now for being sentimental?"

"Figured it was my last chance."

Esposito (Jon Huertas) uses his perhaps last, dying breaths to question Ryan's (Seamus Dever) choice of a boy baby name

The Mindy Project

"Anne Hathaway is trapped under a car. You've got to push her out. Come on. Go."

"I can't!"

"Great. Anne Hathaway is dead. You killed a national treasure."

Danny (Chris Messina) trying to motivate Mindy (Mindy Kaling) to exercise/lift a weight

Downton Abbey

"These days, I'm just an old widow who eats off a tray."

"Just because you're an old widow, I see no necessity to eat off a tray."

Violet (Maggie Smith), helping Isobel (Penelope Wilton) distinguish between mourning and wallowing

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

"They were just messing with my head."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) withholds from Skye the truth — yet in a way doesn't — regarding what he learned about his "death."

Revenge

"Do you get off causing innocent people pain?"

"I will let you know if I meet anyone innocent."

Nolan (Gabriel Mann), taking all of the "righteous" out of Victoria's (Madeleine Stowe) indignation

Psych

"Shawn, we went to one pub and a warehouse. We might as well have been in British Columbia."

Toasting their adventure in "London," Gus elicits a spit-take from Shawn with this wink at the Vancouver-based series' obvious decision to not film on location

Parks and Recreation

"It seems risky and I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong. I haven't pooped in three days."

Andy (Chris Pratt) advising Leslie on whether she should run for city council again

The People's Choice Awards

"Wow. Some of me are definitely dudes."

Co-host Kat Dennings, noting the gender of the waitresses dressed as her 2 Broke Girls character Max, during an opening bit at the annual awards ceremony

Trophy Wife

"That's right, Burt. You've eaten everything that's ever been on your pajamas."

Warren (Ryan Lee) breaking the bad news to his little brother about where his food comes from

The Big Bang Theory

"How did she get you to do yoga?"

"Well, to be honest, I thought she said 'Yoda.'"

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) explains to Leonard (Johnny Galecki) why he's getting his om on with Penny (Kaley Cuoco)

MythBusters

"So, we want to know whether you can make that swing using a grappling hook... while holding onto your sister, who you have the hots for."

"That is one way of looking at it, yes."

The Star Wars-indifferent Jamie Hyneman, clarifying the task at hand with his Star Wars fan of a mythbusting partner Adam Savage

Modern Family

"It's called growing up and having your own interests — like the minister's daughter in your precious Footloose."

"Wow. Using my own movie against me.... [Starts slow clap] Let's hear it for the boy."

Begrudging dance class student Luke (Nolan Gould), using fancy footwork on dad Phil (Ty Burrell)

The Crazy Ones

"This isn't natural. God didn't make me to be alone."

A sick Zach (James Wolk) after Syndey quarantines him

The Bachelor

"It feels like you're a meal, and they want to eat you right there."

Juan Pablo, sharing his feelings as the ladies emerged from their limos

American Horror Story: Coven

"Your salad dressing is absolutely magical! Maybe you could bottle it — Cordelia's Conjured Coriander Condiment!"

Myrtle (Frances Conroy), suggesting an alternate career path for failed witch Cordelia (Sarah Paulson)

Person of Interest

"There's a time for a scalpel, and a time for a hammer. It's hammertime."

Taking Mr. Finch's "Reese/scalpel, Shaw/hammer" metaphor a step further, Shaw (Sarah Shahi) declares herself ready for action