Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Modern Family, Nine-Nine, Reign, Sherlock & More

The Originals

"Josh isn't dead yet? Well, good on him. I love a good survivor story."

Rebekah (Claire Holt), learning (with bemusement) about the newbie vampire's resilience

Sherlock

"You are a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den and beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel"

"It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing."

Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs), weighing in on Watson's (Martin Freeman) attraction to danger

Reign

"My hands are tied."

"Who ties the hands of the King — other than a select lusty few?"

Queen Catherine (Megan Follows) and King Henry (Alan Van Sprang), discussing politics — and his extracurricular activities

Winter Olympics 2014: Opening Ceremonies

"If you're wondering how we went from Brazil to Macedonia... the order is based on the Cyrillic alphabet. If you need more information, Google it."

NBC announcer Meredith Vieira, earning no medals for helpfulness

Mom

"The French call the orgasm 'la petite mort.' It means 'the little death."

"Well, then you're a serial killer."

Christy (Anna Faris), giving a rave review to her new lover David (Nick Zano)

Modern Family

"Yes, people are allowed their private thoughts. And I shouldn't be so angry. But I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want."

Gloria (Sofia Vergara), justifying her anger about overhearing sleeping husband Jay possibly having a sexy dream

The Ellen DeGeneres Show

"This is an Al Green record. Back in my day, this is how we made babies."

Ellen DeGeneres, explaining 2013's rise in vinyl sales to the iPod crowd

Downton Abbey

"How you hate to be wrong!"

"I wouldn't know. I'm not familiar with the sensation."

Isobel (Penelope Wilton) and Violet (Maggie Smith), going at it again

Cougar Town

"This is gonna be awful. The last time I ran was when I punched that flamingo at Busch Gardens. In my defense, it did steal the hot dog right out of my hand, and you can't do that to a former foster kid."

Laurie (Busy Philipps), getting ready to train for a 5K

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

"Who's Kevin Cozner? Is he the star of Danzes With Wolvez?"

Peralta (Andy Samberg), getting in the first joke about Captain Holt's husband's name

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Bonus Quote!)

"Ahhh, interesting, classics: Zeppelin. Hendrix. Die Hard. Total classic-head over here. [Pauses.] I'm joking. Obviously, I know what the classics are. The Odyssey. And the one you said when we got here. The 'wolf' one."

Peralta (Andy Samberg), trying to impress Captain Holt's husband, the head of Columbia University's Classics Department, who'd referenced Beowulf earlier in the evening

Arrow

"I wasn't trying to be a bitch."

"Title of your autobiography."

In flashback, Sara (Caity Lotz) tries to apologize for suggesting that her sister Laurel (Katie Cassidy) is moving too fast with playboy billionaire Oliver Queen