Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From Sleepy Hollow, Girls, Arrow, Suburgatory, Coven & More

Almost Human

"Hey Mr. Friendly, how was Angry Class 101?"

"Call me that again, and I'll stick my boot right in your face."

"Clearly, it went well."

Dorian (Michael Ealy), teasing Kennex (Karl Urban) about his mandatory anger-management class

Girls

"Oh my God, that's so true. They totally lie. My friend Rachel is fully addicted to Blueberry Red Bull, and she always tells me that she hasn't had one, she tells me with like a blue tongue."

Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet), responding to Adam's statement that addicts often lie

The Bachelor

"Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life: I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone's like, 'Oh, you straddled Juan Pablo?' If you do the hymen maneuver and somebody's, like, laying down and dying, you're gonna have to straddle them."

Victoria, waxing drunkenly about giving the Heimlich maneuver to Juan Pablo during their "photo shoot" date

American Horror Story: Coven

"Ah, figs, Mother Nature's brown diamonds. In the fall, the rotting leaves smell like an Olympian's ejaculate."

Myrtle (Frances Conroy), forever changing the way we think about her favorite fruit... whether we want her to or not!

American Horror Story: Coven (Bonus Quote!)

"I took down your entire company with about as much effort as it takes me to mix myself a Rob Roy. And Marie? Marie is immortal for Chrissake. Do you think we're worried about guns?"

Fiona (Jessica Lange), dismissing the witch hunters' queries about whether she wants to check them for firearms

Sleepy Hollow

"One sign of the impending apocalypse is surely skinny jeans."

Ichabod (Tom Mison), letting Abbie (Nicole Beharie) know exactly what he thinks of the "finery" she bought him

The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards

"And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio."

Tina Fey, introducing an actor who's dated his share of mannequins

Community

"To Miss Perry, I leave my iPod Nano, filled with music to take life less seriously by. I also leave this liquid nitrogen-cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm, in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniuses."

Speaking through the executor of his estate (Walton Goggins), passed-on Pierce bequeaths the first of many canisters of his sperm

How I Met Your Mother

"Oh, my God, you had a tree-way."

Robin (Cobie Smulders), responding to Marshall's (Jason Segel) revelation that the Slapping Tree might have been involved in his passionate night with White Flower

Arrow

"I'm sorry."

"Were you apologizing to me, or were you talking to your quiver?"

Oliver (Stephen Amell), aiming a mea culpa at Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards), having jealously snapped at her earlier

American Idol

"Sorry, 64-B is out of place."

Keith Urban, apologizing to his fellow judges after a stylist working on his hair delayed the next audition

Modern Family

"She's like a self-cleaning oven!"

Phil (Ty Burrell), marveling to wife Claire about how their teenage daughter Alex acknowledged her own emotional meltdown and followed up by researching a therapist and booking a double session with him

Bob's Burgers

"Whatever. It's a free country."

"He's so patriotic."

A smitten Tina (Dan Mintz), romanticizing Jimmy Jr.'s (H. Jon Benjamin) disinterest in her offer of support

Suburgatory

"You can't lay low. You're not Christine Lahti, Judd Hirsch and River Phoenix, are you? [beat] Well, are you?"

Lisa (Allie Grant), referencing the plot of 1988's Running on Empty in a pep talk to George and Tessa

The Mindy Project

"I'm incredibly prepared: I got a Brazilian bikini wax, I downloaded a couple star maps. So look out, George Hamilton, I hope you like your trespassers completely hairless."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling), explaining her prep work for a trip to Los Angeles

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Is [S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy's] Science & Technology [campus] as you expected, Agent Ward?"

"Yep — no uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone..."

Fitz (Iain De Caestecker), asking Ward (Brett Dalton) for his opinion of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s geekier agents-in-training — and it's a low one

New Girl

"Nick, do not challenge me – I can channel all sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?!"

Jess (Zooey Deschanel), meeting Nick's (Jake Johnson) challenge to a sex standoff for rooting for the wrong basketball team

Castle

"I'm sorry — until a year ago, I had no idea who you were. Now you come out of the blue and all you have to say is, 'What have you learned'? How about, 'Hello, son, how have you been'?"

"Don't get emotional. Now is not the time."

"Really? Because it's been about 40 years. When would be a good time?"

Rick (Nathan Fillion), taking offense when his spy daddy (James Brolin) resurfaces only to pump him for NYPD intel

Cougar Town

"Just the sight of that ring incinerated my underwear — WHAT?"

Laurie (Busy Philipps), commenting on the already married Jules' engagement ring from a rich stranger

The Screen Actors Guild Awards

"We're going to make Sofia talk because America loves her and her boobs."

Julie Bowen, telling the audience why curvy co-star Sofia Vergara had been elected to accept the show's Comedy Ensemble win