Quotes Of The Week: Best Zingers From The Originals, S.H.I.E.L.D., SNL, Broke Girls And More
1-New-Girl-Winston-Two-White-Guys-Bar
New Girl
"Did you hear the joke about two black guys and the two white guys who walked into a police station? The two white guys came out."
Winston (Lamorne Morris) advising Coach (Damon Wayans Jr.) against charging into the local precinct with Nick and Schmidt to drunk-fight his ex's new cop-boyfriend.
1-The-Originals-Quote-JoshuaLord-of-the-rings
The Originals
"Have you ever heard the phrase, 'Uneasy is the head that wears the crown'?"
"Uh...Lord of the Rings?"
Marcel (Charles Michael Davis), talking Shakespeare with his clueless vampire minion Joshua (Steven Krueger)
2-Broke- Girls-whore-playing-piano
2 Broke Girls
"Am I super-high or is that whore playing the piano?"
Han's stoned mother expressing surprise when she sees her son's prostitute-girlfriend channeling her inner Liberace
3-Arrow-Felicity-League-of-Assassins-Quote
Arrow
"What's the League of Assassins? And please, don't say it's a league made up of assassins."
Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards), about to be disappointed
4-QOTW_Castle copy
Castle
"Yes, because when I was a little girl imagining my wedding day, being stuck in a small tin can with a dozen tons of rocket fuel strapped to my ass is exactly what I had in mind."
Beckett (Stana Katic), shutting down Castle's proposal for an outer space wedding
5-Mom-Allison-Janney-Son-of-a-Preacher-Man
Mom
"The only one who could ever teach me...was the son of a preacher man. Yes he was. Oh yes he was."
Bonnie (Allison Janney), answering the door and singing a greeting to the judgmental minister father of her granddaughter's boyfriend/baby daddy
6-quotes-sleepy-hollow-heckle
Sleepy Hollow
"Open your eyes, sir! Yes, you! Basketface! I thought only horses slept standing up!"
Ichabod (Tom Mison) exercising his freedom of speech (and entertaining Nicole Beharie's Abbie) by heckling a local baseball umpire
7-Bones-Brennan-Enjoying-Sex
Bones
"We've been enjoying sex very much"
Brennan (Emily Deschanel) offering Angela a succinct review of her and Booth's honeymoon so far
8-Hawaii-Five-0-Drool-on-Evidence
Hawaii Five-0
"Try to not let her drool on the evidence — we're gonna need it."
McGarrett (Alex O'Loughlin), leaving Danny (Scott Caan) in charge of his visiting (and money-loving!) niece
9-QOTW_SNL-KERRY-WASHINGTON-bucket
Saturday Night Live
"Respeck my ability to assess a bucket."
The outspoken assistant (Kerry Washington) of Nasim Pedrad's motivational speaker Heshy Farahat, after her boss tells her to make sure she didn't miss any notes in a pail containing queries from an audience of high-school students
Agents-of-Shield-Iron-Man
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D
"The blood work came back. I'm perfectly normal. A little heavy on the iron, but don't worry — you don't have to start calling me Iron Man."
"Wasn't planning on it."
Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg), sharing the results of his physical with Melinda May (Ming-Na Wen)
The Proton Displacement
The Big Bang Theory
"Sheldon, in a couple hours, I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house."
Arthur Jeffries (Bob Newhart), after Sheldon wakes him up at 7:30 p.m.
Diaz-Brooklyn-Nine-Nine-Bone-Down
Brooklyn Nine-nine
"For me: Cheap dinner. Watch basketball. Bone down."
Diaz (Stephanie Beatriz), describing her ideal date
Glee-Sue-Gaga-Face-Cage
Glee
"This practice of referring to oneself as a Katy or a Gaga — the glee club will be doing this the entire week?"
"It's super annoying, right?"
"It is the most annoying thing they've ever done."
Sue (Jane Lynch), pumping Bree (Erinn Westbrook) for intel about New Directions' latest activities
QOTW-Once-Salad-Trident-Ariel
Once Upon a Time
"What is this?"
"Mini-trident!...? Salad trident...?"
Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin), introducing Ariel (Joanna Garcia Swisher) to her first fork/dinglehopper
Today
Today
"It doesn't hurt, and it took 34 seconds. Is it the best 34 seconds of your life? ...Probably not. But if in 34 seconds a guy like this can detect something that might save your life, what are we talking about?"
Matt Lauer making a good point about the fleeting unpleasantness of the prostate exams a doctor performed on him and co-host Al Roker during Thursday's broadcast