Quotes Of The Week From The Blacklist, Orphan Black, Bad Teacher, Revenge, Veep And More!

Veep

"I would rather be shot in the f—in' face than serve as vice president again. Seriously — in the f—in' face."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), rejecting rival Maddox's suggestion that she take secondary position on the presidential ticket

Veep (Bonus Quote!)

"I can take a dump on it if you need a clincher."

Ben (Kevin Dunn), dropping a little sarcasm on the floor after Amy (Anna Chlumsky) mentions her desire to get a new rug after it's had wine spilled on it by colleague Mike (Matt Walsh)

General Hospital

"Next to arrive is the radiant Samantha Morgan — and who's that on her arm? Don't worry, folks, it is NOT aspiring, deranged vampire Stephen Clay. Instead it is his thankfully more stable, lookalike brother Silas — who recently beat a murder charge of his own."

The red carpet reporter at the Nurses Ball, providing commentary you'd only hear on a soap opera!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

"He's doing a reverse She's All That!"

Host Jon Stewart positing that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has started wearing glasses to make people think he's gotten smarter

Trophy Wife

"I froze up. I tried to draw on personal experience but the only failure I could think of in the moment was my inability to orgasm during the latter part of our marriage — which is, of course, really your failure."

Diane (Marcia Gay Harden), defending to ex-husband Pete (Bradley Whitford) why she couldn't come up with any anecdotes to ease their daughter Hillary's (Bailee Madison) insecurity during a college tour

Revenge

"You have no power over me."

"Oh no, I have the power to take you out anytime I want! I had the reach to snuff out your nuisance of a sister. I was in league with a confederacy of global terrorists who tried to bring me down, but I'm still here. And your father, the selfish and dim-witted David Clarke, he was my patsy to freedom. Oh, I have the power, and my secrets are gonna rot inside of you beyond your last breath, because you are gonna keep your stupid and thankless mouth shut! I'm the last man standing for a reason, and if you even think about crossing me, I will erase you as I have so many others. Now... I have a press conference to cancel.."

Conrad (Henry Czerny), putting Charlotte (Christa B. Allen) in her place... and unwittingly confessing on live television to a Whitman's Sampler of crimes

24: Live Another Day

"Look, I can tell you consider yourself a pretty intimidating group. You probably think I'm at a disadvantage. I promise you, I'm not."

Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), giving a group of armed thugs fair — and highly accurate — warning

Suburgatory

"What exactly does Queen of Honor do?

"She basically looks extremely pretty, and is like very, very honored.

"I see.

"And the maid of honor cleans up after her and then checks to see if there's anything the queen might need — like a Clear Pepsi or some edamame.

Dalia (Carly Chaikin) explaining her role in Lisa's wedding to arch-enemy/maid of honor Tessa

Supernatural

"You sold your soul?! You sold it for an extra three inches of willy?!"

"Priorities change. I wasn't the bon vivant that I am now."

Crowley's son (Theo Devaney) learning how his father (Mark Sheppard) became the King of Hell

Louie

"Can you work clean?"

"Clean?"

"Yeah, can you not curse? Can you not say dirty sex... poop... dogs having sex.... with vagina dirt?"

Jerry Seinfeld, begging Louie (Louis C.K.) not to perform his usual crude material at a benefit show

The Blacklist

"So you're going to do what I say, and give me those five names — because 'that's how blackmail works, sweetheart."

Elizabeth (Megan Boone), using a pathogenic terrorist's own quip against him

Awkward

"WWJC? What would Jesus cheer?"

Sadie (Molly Tarlov) making Lissa feel guilty about her "violent"
new cheer routine

Castle

Is that how you justify murder? 'It builds character'?! Then why don't you give me a chance to build yours."

Beckett (Stana Katic), when Bracken suggests that his murder of her mother helped make her who she is today

Person of Interest

"Long time no gunfire."

Shaw (Sarah Shahi), reuniting with her onetime boss, Control

About a Boy

"How does he normally react to gluten? Bloating? Rash? Diarrhea?"

"It was sexy in here, like, 20 seconds ago!"

Will (David Walton) objecting to Dr. Sam's (Adrianne Palicki) quizzing Fiona (Minnie Driver) about her son's gluten intolerance after Fiona interrupts a post-coital breakfast

Orphan Black

"I don't remember the curtain going up. Was I terrible?"

"... People got their money's worth."

Alison (Tatiana Maslany) and Felix (Jordan Gavaris) discussing her disastrous opening night performance of "Blood Ties"

Bad Teacher

"Good luck with district evaluations. You've heard the expression 'Last in, first out,' right?"

"Only in regards to threesomes."

Meredith (Ari Graynor), putting an X-rated spin on Ginny's (Kristin Davis) "friendly" warning that newbies get fired first

The Voice

"Adam loves you so much, he copied your hairstyle."

Blake Shelton, talking about contestant Kristen Merlin's short, bleach-blonde locks and fellow coach Adam Levine's unfortunate new 'do

Modern Family

"I was conceived at a Duran Duran concert?!"

"Classy start to a classy life."

Alex (Ariel Winter), chiming in on Haley's (Sarah Hyland) discovery of her musical (and premarital!) "roots"

Glee

"Santana, you're really good at this. Have you ever thought about doing this professionally?"

"Sure have. Every time I watch Scandal."

Rachel (Lea Michele), after Santana (Naya Rivera) proves to be an excellent publicist

Glee (Bonus Quote!)

"We thought we'd take a shot at [Peter Pan] in case
NBC casts Clay Aiken and it's ruined for good."

Maggie (June Squibb) taking a jab at NBC's upcoming live Peter
Pan special

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Looks like the joke's on you."

Fitz, upon using one of the Howling Commandos' "joy buzzer" EMPs to short out the Bus — and Garrett's biomechanics