Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 12, 2017

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"Thursday is Thanksgiving, and there's so much to be thankful for this year — unless you're a human woman."

NIGHT OF TOO MANY STARS

"Here we go! Harry Potter and the Half-Hour Lecture."

Stephen Colbert takes a swipe at Last Week Tonight after John Oliver announces a 27-minute segment on prison recidivism in the Midwest

HAWAII FIVE-0

"Forget about the brick-and-mortar and get yourself a food truck. If it doesn't work out, you can always drive it off a cliff and collect on the insurance."

"Have you lost your mind since you moved away? You think I need more time in a moving vehicle with Detective Danny Williams?"

Adam's (Ian Anthony Dale) restaurant advice for Steve (Alex O'Loughlin) gets sent back to the kitchen

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"Didn't [Edison] invent the lightbulb?"

"That's what he wants you to think, but without the foundational work of Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren De La Rue and James Bowman Lindsay, you wouldn't know Edison any more than you know Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren De La Rue and James Bowman Lindsay."

Judging by the look on Penny's face, Sheldon (Jim Parsons) could've just said "no"

PROJECT RUNWAY

"You could hear a mouse fart in that room, everyone was so quiet."

Believe it or not, Heidi Klum's observation is meant to be a compliment

SCANDAL

"You can either be my mother... or a bitch. What's it gonna be?"

Olivia's (Kerry Washington) tense reunion with Mama Pope makes all those screaming matches with her father seem almost quaint by comparison

RIVERDALE

"Uh, I usually do the honors."

"Not today, Cha Cha. I was born for this moment."

Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch), replacing Toni (Vanessa Morgan) as the flag girl at the Snakes-vs.-Ghoulies drag race

SPEECHLESS

"I have a boyfriend."

"And I've got a math test, long as we're naming things we're gonna be cheating on later."

Billy (Rob Corddry), posing as a grad student in hopes of picking up a coed

GREY'S ANATOMY

"I did not go into ladies' vaginas because I do not like to mix business with pleasure."

Arizona (Jessica Capshaw), explaining to Carina why, although she could deliver a baby, she'd rather not

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"We're going to paper charts?"

"Well, it's worked pretty well for two centuries, Kepner."

Amidst a power outage, Webber (James Pickens Jr.) schools the staff on old-timey methods

THE FLASH

"Ouch. All-nighter, huh?"

"I haven't been this tired since Killer Frost decided to go to Burning Man."

And just like that, we need to see a flashback to Caitlin's (Danielle Panabaker) ice-cold alter ego crashing the music festival

LUCIFER

"Why are you wasting time trying to pick me up? You should be punishing him."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm going to."

"Great! What are you going to do? Spoons to the eyes, ants inside his urethra? 'The Urethra Franklin,' as I like to call it."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) suggests twisted fates for a cheating wife's lover — unaware that it's him!

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"Everyone put your best digs on, because we're going to save Hollywood!"

"Yeahhhhh, until the Kardashians destroy it."

Nate (Nick Zano) sees a Kim, Khloe and Kourtney in Tinseltown's future

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW (Bonus Quote!)

"You do realize I don't need magic to kill you..."

"Funny — that's what Oliver Queen said right before he killed you."

Sara (Caity Lotz) jabs Darhk with the irony of his threat

THE ORVILLE

"This is going to sound like I'm talking out of my ass—"

"Then please try to enunciate."

Isaac butts in when Kelly (Adrianne Palicki) ventures forth with a wild theory

GHOSTED

"Sorry, Max. It seems you could be dangerous, which is weird, because your last name is Jennifer. Which I had forgotten."

"You forgot my last name?!"

Leroy (Craig Robinson) allows a babbling Agent Jennifer (Adam Scott) to be taken into custody

YOUNG SHELDON

"Just like that, I overcame my fear of choking. All that was left was my fear of dogs, birds, insects, germs, hugging, button-fly pants, rivers, ponds, lakes, oceans, estuaries, corduroy, root vegetables, squeaky balloons, tinted windows, take a penny, leave a penny... fireworks, potbelly stoves, dust bunnies, that fuzz on peaches..."

Adult Sheldon (voiced by Jim Parsons) details the many fears that Young Sheldon still has to tackle

THE BRAVE

"Sounds like a pasta, man."

McG (Noah Mills) does not get Preach's (Demetrius Grosse) choice of favorite movie, the French film noir Rififi

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Nothing makes sense anymore. The Vulture's not the Vulture, good is bad, up is down, there's a young pope, winter has come. That reminds me: I ordered some premium cable channels."

Jake (Andy Samberg) stresses out over wedding preparations — and hints at his most recent HBO binges

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

"Tegan's speech is only for five minutes. Be back before then or she'll notice her card is missing."

"Guess we better get in sync then. [Asher and Michaela both set their phone timers for five minutes] Bye, bye, bye."

Asher (Matt McGorry) makes an inevitable boy band reference before leaving to carry out Laurel's revenge plan