Quotes Of The Week For March 5, 2017

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

"This place is an absolute pigsty. Where in the hell is Christina?"

"Oh, Christina texted. She died."

An unfazed Benjamin (Timothy V. Murphy) tells Pamela (Kristen Wiig) that their maid has been killed by the virus

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH (Bonus Quote!)

"Refried beans? Why didn't you fry them right the first time?"

Pamela (Kristen Wiig) is less than impressed with the dietary options in her underground bunker

BIG LITTLE LIES

"She wouldn't leave if she knew I had cancer."

"Well, you don't have cancer."

"But I'd be willing to get it."

Madeline (Reese Witherspoon) really doesn't want Abigail to move in with her father

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"It is not clear what is really going on here yet, though one possibility is that this all amounts to what I am going to call 'Stupid Watergate': a potential scandal with all of the intrigue of Watergate, except everyone involved is really bad at everything."

Oliver sums up the Trump administration's alleged ties to Russia — and the potential scandal that may unfold

MAKING HISTORY (Bonus Quote!)

"Pardon me, gentlemen."

"Slave! Slave! Who brought a slave in here?!"

"Wow, good to see Boston hasn't changed."

21st-century man Chris (Yassir Lester) isn't exactly surprised that Boston is just as, um, charming in the year 1775

MAKING HISTORY

"Where is it that you always go?"

"To infinity — to infinity and beyond!"

Dan (Adam Pally), who hasn't told 18th-century girlfriend Deborah Revere (Leighton Meester) that he's a time traveler, borrows Buzz Lightyear's most famous line

LOVE

"I shouldn't know what my friend sounds like when he's having sex. I'd rather hear him screaming while he burned in a fire."

Gus (Paul Rust) doesn't like having to hear Randy getting it on with Bertie in the other room

LOVE (Bonus Quote!)

"I don't fully trust someone who's never tripped. It's like trusting someone who still has a Hotmail account."

Mickey (Gillian Jacobs) makes an astute point while attempting to convince Gus to do shrooms

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"Look, the dictionary defines 'immigrant' as a person who comes to a country to take up permanent residence. 'A person.' Firstly, slaves weren't considered people; they were considered property. Secondly, they didn't come to America; they were brought here by force. Eddie Murphy came to America. Kunta Kinte was brought. Big difference!"

Noah stresses the importance of differentiating between immigrants and slaves in the wake of controversial remarks made by HUD secretary Ben Carson

THE REAL O'NEALS

"Don't mind my brother, Miss Dunn. He's gay, so he likes unnecessary conflict."

Jimmy (Matthew Shively), trying to keep Kenny from convincing their music appreciation teacher to actually teach

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN

"I must have eaten something that disagreed with me."

"Crow?"

Hedda Hopper (Judy Davis), refusing to let Joan Crawford (Jessica Lange) explain away the drunken scene she made leaving the Golden Globes

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN (Bonus Quote!)

"I ran into the gardeners outside. They want to know when they'll get paid. We owe them two months."

"What did you tell them?"

"That it was an honor to prune Miss Crawford's bush and to shut up."

Mamacita (Jackie Hoffman), relating to Joan (Jessica Lange) how she was handling the other help

THE ARRANGEMENT

"That is a risk I'm willing to take, Lieutenant, because last I checked, all citizens are entitled to legal counsel — even vampires."

Struggling actress Megan (Christine Evangelista) recites a line from one of the shows — Blood Works, we're betting — on which she guest-starred

TIME AFTER TIME

"Vanessa's one of the richest women in the world. She might be even wealthier than Oprah."

"What is an Oprah?"

Time-traveling H.G. Wells (Freddie Stroma) doesn't grasp the power of Ms. Winfrey

GIRLS

"I have bruises all over my body from the two-hour massages I need to deal with the stress of your addiction!"

Marnie (Allison Williams) reminds Desi who the real victim of his painkiller addiction is

VANDERPUMP RULES

"A, do you have Adderall? B, do you have Plan B? And C, do you have condoms? Do you have, like, a little kit?"

Kristen lets Stassi know what every young lady needs to keep in her purse on a first date

LEGION

"It'll be fun. Kick some ass. Save the girl. Get a snack."

David (Dan Stevens) confidently lays out his plan to rescue his sister from the evil Division 3

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"Kensi, we've got a runner! Actually, it's more like a 'slow walker.' More like a 'scurry.'"

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) busts some retirement home con artists

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Wow, I really need to get home and get someone off the rum. And the dessert."

Emma (Jennifer Morrison) sees the Wish Realm's Hook as a cautionary tale

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"You're Gideon...?"

"Hello, Captain Lance."

"But you're really...."

"Human?"

"I was gonna say 'hot,' but that too."

Sara (Caity Lotz) thinks that Gideon's (Amy Pemberton) 1s and 0s add up to a perfect 10

THIS IS US

"Well, I guess I'll cancel the caterer, and the flowers and the white doves."

"You got white doves?"

"They don't make black ones, Randall."

Beth (Susan Kelechi Watson) has the perfect comeback for Randall (Sterling K. Brown), who questions some of the funeral arrangements for William

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"President Trump introduced his revised travel ban this week, though it's probably not great that it's just a bunch of brown color swatches."

SUPERNATURAL

"Man, Dad loved that thing."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) on John's barbed wire-covered bat, in a nod to Jeffrey Dean Morgan's Walking Dead character Negan