Quotes Of The Week For March 27, 2016

"I'm in love with Susan Ross."

"She's a Muppet! Not even one of the main ones! She'd be way in the back. They'd only let her play tambourine in their little Muppet band."

Elizabeth (Portia de Rossi) goes Gonzo when she hears David (Joshua Malina)'s change of heart

[Documentary narrator] "... Pop music would never be the same after Beyoncé left Destiny's Child."

"Wait, that doesn't make any sense.... Do they mean Senator Knowles?"

For Earth-2's Jesse (Violett Beane), Bey apparently put a ring on a political career

"Tell me one more thing about the future...."

"People walk around with their phones in their hands. All. Day."

"[Laughs] Tell me something real!"

Jake (James Franco) can't "cell" Sadie (Sarah Gadon) on a certain future fact

"She didn't lie!"

"She said no to the question, 'Have you ever been a victim of domestic violence?' Her husband raped her. Twice."

"Actually... It wasn't legally rape in '88. I mean, between a husband and wife."

[After a long pause] "You just said that. Out loud."

Even Marcia Clark (Sarah Paulson) is flabbergasted by F. Lee Bailey's (Nathan Lane) ludicrous comments on what constitutes sexual assault

"Toughen up, Cochran. This is a smokers' lounge. Day care's on the first floor."

Did we mention it was a great episode for Marcia Clark (Sarah Paulson) zingers?

"She's so exotic and so unusual..."

"She's from Long Island!"

Wendy throws a side-eye at gossip columnist Rob Shuter's description of Mariah Carey

"Emma, there's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Milah, my ex-wife. And Hook's ex, also. She's also Baelfire's mother, of course. [To Milah] Emma knew him as Neal. They had a torrid affair, which resulted in a scandalous teenage pregnancy. In prison."

"So... you've been with my former lover... and my son. Is that right?"

"Huh."

When Rumple (Robert Carlyle) and Milah (Rachel Shelley) sum up the Emma/Baelfire/Hook sitch, Emma's reaction is the only possible one

"Do you think Supergirl has lost the public's trust for good?"

"I suppose if Mel Gibson can present at the Golden Globes, then Supergirl can win the city back. This too shall pass?"

Despite the apt pop culture reference, Cat (Calista Flockhart)'s faith in Supergirl isn't all that convincing

"I was so sorry to hear about Nicole. You know it was never gonna work, though. She's practically from another planet!"

Christine (Louie Anderson) sort of consoles son Dale about his split from his Asian-American wife

"At least out here, no matter how small, least you got somethin' of your own. Me and Momma just a shadow in somebody else's world."

Rosalee (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) compares the lives of field versus house slaves

"Cupid has changed up her M.O. a little — 'Love Is Dead.'"

"Oh. Maybe she's not so insane after all."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) is a woman scorned

"Did you get it?"

"I got it."

"Good. 'Cause I am singlehandedly setting back the race in this outfit."

Reginald (Alimi Ballard) is happy to be Christopher (Peter Krause)'s right-hand man... but not when it means dressing up as a server

"I'm a medium top, small bottom. Write that."

Clotheshorse Kenny (Noah Galvin), innocently misunderstanding the size question on a gay dating app

"Why would Mom take a computer on a date?"

"Well, she's pretty dumb about computers. She might think an Internet date means you actually have to be on the Internet."

Shannon (Bebe Wood), waxing theoretical with Jimmy (Matt Shively) after their mom takes a "pornado"-infected laptop on her "date"

"So, you did move to West Covina for Josh."

"Oh, yeah. Hundred percent. I should... update that story."

Thanks to Dr. Akopian (Michael Hyatt)'s insight, Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) might be revising her theme song lyrics for Season 2

"This one's definitely all bar and no mitzvah."

Karma (Katie Stevens) sums up Zita's crazy White Party Bar Mitzvah for Liam

"You'da had better luck pickin' up a turd by its clean end!"

Abraham (Michael Cudlitz), casting doubt upon Eugene's assertion that he could have dispatched the zombie that attacked them

"You know how to bite a d—k, Eugene. I mean that with the utmost of respect."

Abraham, giving credit where it's due after his pal saved the day by chomping down on an enemy's Johnson

"How messed up are our lives that you seeing a vision of dead me is actually kind of comforting?"

That's what happens when you or your brother dies (or almost dies) every season, Sam (Jared Padalecki)

"If you would just shut up for two seconds, this sex dream would pass the Bechdel test, Quentin."

Alice (Olivia Taylor Dudley) gives Quentin a lesson during his fantasy, which features his girlfriend as Daenerys, his friend Julia as Princess Leia and himself as Indiana Jones

"Can't believe I gave up tickets to Hamilton for this."

Professor Lipson (Keegan Connor Tracy) is not pleased that she has to tend to Eliot's ailment instead of seeing the hit Broadway musical

"What do we really know about this Dolly Parton?"

Mike (Neil Flynn), grasping at straws to find a reason why Sue shouldn't spend her summer in Tennessee working at Dollywood

"Have you ever seen a dead mime in the street?"

Jessica (Constance Wu) makes a compelling case for why the crossing guard should wear gloves

"You wanna make your own chili? Like the French candle says in Beauty and the Beast, 'Be my guest.'"

Louis (Randall Park) has an animated response after finding out that Eddie has entered the chili competition against him