Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 12, 2017

"I didn't know the leader of the free world was supposed to twerk."

Mellie's celebratory jig doesn't get Quinn's (Katie Lowes) vote

"I know how to make a man feel good. And I do it way better than anyone else. Because my heart is gold... but my vagine is platinum."

Corinne explains why her attempt to seduce Nick can't fail (even though it did)

"Who is he?"

"Private investigator."

"What, like Veronica Mars?!"

When Laurel (Karla Souza) reveals that she's hired a PI to look into the Mahoneys, Asher's (Matt McGorry) reaction is wonderful

"No naked Nate pics, huh?"

"Straight people are so boring."

Connor (Jack Falahee) and Oliver (Conrad Ricamora) are disappointed not to find any sexy photos of Det. Lahey on Annalise's phone

"I marvel at these wondrous items. Dolls that speak, robots that transform, putty that is silly... In my day, all we had to entertain ourselves was a wooden hoop and a stick. And woe the day the stick broke."

Ichabod (Tom Mison) is amazed by modern children's toys

"As far as I'm concerned, you're just another redshirt, like so many others who tried unsuccessfully to stop me from saving the world. 'Cause that's what I do. So... cool origin story, bro, but this means nothing to me."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) doesn't care about Ivanov's sad backstory — he's here to save his people

"ABC announced that, for the first time, the lead on The Bachelorette will be African-American. So if history is any guide, the bachelorette after that will be a 70-year-old racist puppet of Russia."

"In case you're wondering what being sinister does to you? That guy is 31 years old, and he already looks as if he's two-thirds of the way to Montgomery Burns."

Meyers describes Trump aide (and Simpsons villain lookalike) Stephen Miller

"I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.S. Postal Service. When you want something expensive thrown on your porch and stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service!"

Something tells us that Peter's (Seth MacFarlane) first podcast sponsor will also be his last

"Did you have a pet when you were a kid?"

"I did. I had a pet turtle named Shirley, as in Laverne and..."

"Of course. Were you popular in high school?"

"No. Did you just hear the name of my pet turtle?"

Toby (Chris Sullivan) fills Kate (Chrissy Metz) in on his childhood

"Jack, it's Rebecca. No matter if this guy was Jeff Goldblum... she only has eyes for you."

"Jeff Goldblum? Really?"

"Have you seen Jurassic Park? This guy's got something."

Miguel (Jon Huertas) reveals his taste for eccentric leading men while giving Jack (Milo Ventimiglia) a pep talk

"It's called a bake sale, not a throwaway."

Ruby (Jenifer Lewis), reacting to Bow's offer to help Zoey whip something up for her high school fundraiser

"Peter, you're not a political guy."

"Yes, I am! I remember when I saw a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, I said, 'Hey! They've gotta fix that thing!'"

Peter (Fred Armisen) lists his political-activist credentials to his skeptical wife Nance (Carrie Brownstein)

"It's President's Day Weekend. It's a good time to reflect on how far we've come from our first president who said, 'I cannot tell a lie.'"

"You're the High King of an entire land. You have to be responsible, Eliot."

"Since when are you Fillory Clinton?"

Fillory royalty Margo (Summer Bishil) and Eliot (Hale Appleman) get political

"I didn't know! Did you know?"

"Of course I knew — I'm psychic."

Winn (Jeremy Jordan) and J'onn's (David Harewood) collective reaction to Alex being a lesbian is kind of amazing

"I just wanted to let you know that Maggie and I are dating."

"Oh, that was 'the thing'? OK... Is that, like, a problem here on Earth?"

News of Alex (Chyler Leigh) being a lesbian was also received well by Mon-El (Chris Wood)

"Yes, she's a friend. She's a poor, misguided, very confused friend. It's like when you find out that your friend voted wrong."

"Can you vote wrong?"

"Yeah!"

Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) and her colleagues, explaining to Owen (Kevin McKidd) that not only is April a pal (and persona non grata) but also that voting alone is not enough

"You have no idea how many objectives can be obtained by humiliating one's fellow man. But there's a secret to it."

"What is it?"

"The person humiliated can't realize they've been humiliated."

The Pope (Jude Law), discussing his winning strategy with Sofia (Cecile De France)

"People talk, Ollie. And some people... vomit a little."

Thea (Willa Holland) can't quite stomach news of her brother dating newshound Susan Williams

"When I think of all the people that I have lost... I remember the choices that I was forced to make in light of those tragedies. Some choices were easy. But the important choices, the choices that were worth making, they were hard. And hard choices require bravery. Fortunately, we live in the home of the brave. And we don't run from hard choices. We rise up, and we face tomorrow together."

Mayor Queen (Stephen Amell) addresses the citizens of Star City following a violent attack that sparked questions about gun control

"We both had sex with the same dead guy. That doesn't make us friends."

Rosita (Christian Serratos), shooting down Sasha's attempt to bond

"I read Shailene Woodley likes to go to a private area, open her vagina, let the sun in and that's how she gets her glow. So when she goes to, like, the Insurgent premiere, that's not makeup. That's sun in her p—y."

Hannah (Lena Dunham) brings up an unexpected benefit of spending time at the beach