Quotes Of The Week For April 7, 2019

THE FIX

"Thank God for the simpletons that post pictures of every half-famous person they spot in the wild."

Ezra (Scott Cohen), relieved to have been able to fake a sex scandal for his D.A.'s-office rivals

VANDERPUMP RULES

"I see more to James than you do, and I understand why he acts a certain way..."

"Well, it sounds like the woman who wanted to marry Charles Manson."

"I don't know who that is."

Raquel is not a true-crime buff like Stassi is, we're guessing

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Hello, you have reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now."

Capt. Holt (Andre Braugher) answers the phone in the most Capt. Holt way possible

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS: THE PERFECTIONISTS

"Ali, Taylor Hotchkiss is dead."

"And I was dead myself for a while. And so were you."

"Point taken."

Just another casual back-and-forth between old pals Mona (Janel Parrish) and Alison (Sasha Pieterse)

SPLITTING UP TOGETHER

"So you're not the Silver Stalker?"

"The podcast guy? He's in jail, serving a life sentence. Didn't you Google him?"

"I didn't want any spoilers."

Maya (Diane Farr) fears her boyfriend (Travis Schuldt) is a true-crime killer — but not enough to look him up online

THE BOLD TYPE

"You saw Pinstripe's peenstripe?!"

Kat (Aisha Dee) has some wordplay fun after finding out that Sutton walked in on Jane's naked boyfriend

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"This weekend, Kirstjen Nielsen stepped down as Homeland Security secretary, presumably to spend more time with her family after a house fell on her sister."

GREY'S ANATOMY

"You have a brain tumor?"

"Are we supposed to feel better that your fake husband doesn't know, either?"

After pretending to be Owen at Amelia's horrific family reunion, Link (Chris Carmack) is as surprised as Kathleen (Amy Acker) to hear about her sister's tumor

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"I had a benign grade-I meningioma that they removed."

"Completely? 'Cause this seems pretty brain-damaged."

That attempt by Amelia (Caterina Scorsone) to pass off Link as Owen has Nancy (Embeth Davidtz) doubting that her sister is really cured

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"I didn't get his name, but he was very attractive. Antonio Banderas could play him in a movie. What has he been doing lately? You know what? He should be on Outlander!"

Pam (Julia Sweeney) describes the criminal who supplied her with the explosive device — and makes a case for Antonio Banderas' next career move

BARRY

"Am I evil? Am I, like, an evil person?"

"Oh my God, I mean... absolutely! Do I not tell you that enough? You are, like, the most evil guy I know, man!"

Barry (Bill Hader) looks for reassurance from Hank (Anthony Carrigan)... and gets the wrong kind

KILLING EVE

"A woman stabbed me."

"Women don't stab."

"I know. It surprised me, too. But she did it to show me how much she cared about me... sometimes when you love someone, you will do crazy things." 

Villanelle (Jodie Comer) tells Gabriel (Pierre Atri) about Eve's stabbing like it was a Valentine's Day gift

SUPERSTORE (Bonus Quote!)

"I'll be the best assistant you ever had. I used to work for Mr. Nelson of Pan-American Airlines. I'll be here bright and early every morning with your racing forms and pipe tobacco!"

A lot has changed since the last time Myrtle (Linda Porter) was somebody's assistant

SUPERSTORE

"Oh, were you in the middle of sex?"

"I wasn't. [Gesturing toward Amy] Were you?"

"Weird. It really smells like sex in here. Hmm... probably smelling myself."

Things get weird — like, real weird! — when Dina (Lauren Ash) interrupts a perfectly innocent conversation between Jonah (Ben Feldman) and Amy

HAPPY!

"My soul ain't worth $2,000. My soul is worth $3,200. Final offer."

Thief-for-hire Nick (Christopher Meloni) angles for a bigger payday during a tense negotiation

SCHITT'S CREEK

"What the hell is your secret, Stevie? You just stand your solid ground, refusing to be anything but you. I never thought I'd say this about anyone in this town, but you... you're very, very cool. And whether you set sail or stay put, that's not going to change. Now why don't we take our Sally by the hand, and we go out there and show those people everything she could be... if she were only more like you."

Moira (Catherine O'Hara), giving the mother of all pep talks to Cabaret's leading lady

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

"I keep thinking I may be responsible for this. It's that darn smart mouth of mine! Mom said, 'Good morning!' and I said, 'Is it?' I can be rather salty before I've had my cocoa."

William (Andy Walken) believes he's responsible for Peggy's mysterious outburst that caused her to suddenly leave the house and drive away

JANE THE VIRGIN

"We approach acting the same way: We plank together for two minutes before each scene to make sure our abs are tight."

Rogelio's (Jaime Camil) idea of acting prep is great for the core!

GOOD GIRLS

"Sadie, I'm sorry. I made a bad decision. But you know what Julia Ormond says—"

"Who's Julia Ormond...?"

"Not her. The financial lady, with the rooster head."

Suze Orman, Annie (Mae Whitman). Suze Orman.

SINGLE PARENTS

"In a past life I died on a ship."

A random (and bleak!) rugrat makes Angie's (Leighton Meester) day a bit crazier

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

"How are we going to kill a whole wolf pack with only three silver bullets?"

"It's worse than that. We don't even have a gun."

Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) and Laszlow (Matt Berry) aren't quite ready to defend their turf

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"Let's put Dick in a box."

Constantine (Matt Ryan) puts Nixon down for a nap