Quotes Of The Week For June 28, 2015

"Baltimore Water & Power, how can I help you this evening? Our current hold time is forever. If you need immediate assistance, place your lips on my ass cheeks and press the pound sign."

Having powered down her HQ, Lt. Green (Travis Van Winkle) gives Avocet boss lady Amy Granderson some guff

"With every breath we take, we betray someone's trust. That is life. It's one grand betrayal after another. It's a most delectable game for those who know how to play."

Countess Marburg (Lucy Lawless), telling it like it is to goody-goody daughter Anne

"Of course. That's my job. Relieving the pressure on your dictaphone."

Donna (Sarah Rafferty) offers to help out Louis (Rick Hoffman) with his, um, professional backlog

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Oh, so, a woman's not getting her own bill at all! She'll be splitting it with Alexander Hamilton! This is basically the perfect embodiment of the Women's Rights Movement: Women ask for something they've earned, a bunch of men get together and talk about it, and then they give the woman half and ask her to share it."

John Oliver is appalled that the woman whose image lands on the $10 bill will still have to share it with Alexander Hamilton

"Even though he's the head of technology guy at one of the biggest companies in the world, he owns a Blackberry."

Elliot (Rami Malek) mocks the E Corp CTO during his internal monologue

"I was just trying to stick to my plan, and I was worried that you would change my mind."

"Yeah. I would have."

Nick (Peter Mooney) is cocky with Juliet (Erin Karpluk), who doesn't want to date a fellow cop — and we like it

"I worked with an Albanian once, who did an organ harvest.... He said, 'It is easy'.... It wasn't actually that easy."

Ari (Rhys Coiro) tells Briggs the bloody truth about how his removal of a man's kidneys went

"Do I render myself foolish? Hang a man for that, and it'll be a very crowded gallows."

Mr. Lyle (Simon Russell Beale), admitting to Evelyn that he's still vain about his complexion and hair

"We were created to rule, my love. And the blood of mankind will water our garden — us and our kin and our children and our generations. We are the conquerors. We are the pure blood. We are steel and sinew both. We are the next thousand years. We are the dead."

Lily (Billie Piper), giving the Creature the mother of all pep talks

"Oh, Cordell, if I had lips, I would smile."

Hideously maimed Mason (Joe Anderson) is pleased by his personal nurse (Glenn Fleshler) inquiring how exactly he wants Dr. Lecter prepared in order to be eaten alive

"Whatever happened to romance?"

"I killed it and ate it."

To Amanda (Julie Benz), "barn smell" is nothing more than "manure"

"I guess I'm not surprised that you work for Sports Illustrated. You guys put out a swimsuit issue every year dedicated entirely to women who aren't in sports... unless you think it's a sport to cover both boobs with one arm. Really?!"

Amy Poehler skewers Sports Illustrated staffer Andy Benoit, who tweeted that women's sports were "not worth watching," during a brief revival of the Saturday Night Live bit "Really!?! With Seth and Amy" on Meyers' show

"It's not often that a doctor makes house calls outside of reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Admit it, Karen, it's a little weird."

Joss (Jes Macallan) isn't buying Karen's explanation that her relationship with a married doctor is strictly platonic/professional

"My mom sent me an article on arranged marriages versus love marriages, and they found that fewer arranged marriages end in divorce than real ones."

"Is that because they end in suicide?"

"I don't know. I didn't read the whole article."

Rob (Rob Delaney) tries to convince a pregnant Sharon (Sharon Horgan) their marriage-before-love situation is a good idea

"You can't date women who watched Friends for the first time on Netflix."

Stef (Teri Polo) chimes in when her friend sets her sights on a much younger conquest

"Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes, he's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye."

"I didn't kill him, Mrs. Slayton. I threatened to have his P.I. license yanked. We're NASA, not the mob."

Duncan 'Dunk' Pringle (Evan Handler) takes care of a P.I. who's blackmailing one of the wives for scoop

"Have fun, be sexy, be sassy. You know how to do that. Bring out the MILF."

Rosa gives Michelle some unexpected advice on how to present her meal to the judges

"You're my friend, and friends stick together through thick and thin! ... Obviously, you're the thick and I'm the thin."

Genevieve (Susan Lucci) has a funny way of showing support for "pal" Zoila in her time of need

"You're letting yourself go. When was the last time you washed your hair?"

"This morning."

"Oh. So... that's on purpose?"

Genevieve (Susan Lucci), looking out for Zoila (Judy Reyes) as only she could