Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 25, 2018

THE VOICE

"Kelly has absolutely no experience on this show whatsoever."

"I mean, I mean, I mean... son! I had enough experience that he had me mentor his team on the second season. I'm just sayin', he had to phone a friend!"

New coach Kelly Clarkson, shutting down Blake Shelton's argument for why a contestant would be better off on his team

WILL & GRACE

"Whoa! Did you see that smoldering look? I think they're in love. That's sexual tension. It's the same look Lindsey Graham gives John McCain."

Will (Eric McCormack) senses a love connection in Karen's "telenovela"

THE GOOD DOCTOR

"Wow, you look like a million bucks."

"No, it was $2,368."

Jessica (Beau Garrett) compliments Shaun (Freddie Highmore) on his (somewhat) expensive tux

SCORPION

"Good Lord, they're stupid."

Cabe (Robert Patrick) watches the impaired geniuses mull life's great mysteries — like why "Jack" is a nickname for John

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"In a new interview, Oprah said that she wouldn't run for president until she gets a sign from God. Said God, 'WAS THIS ONE NOT CLEAR ENOUGH?!'"

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"A Virginia set of identical twin sisters will marry a set of identical twin brothers in a joint wedding this summer. They're registered at Kinko's."

SUPERSTORE

"Sometimes when I'm playing The Sims, I give myself a family."

[Awkward silence]

"Jesus Christ."

Sandra (Kaliko Kauahi) bums everyone out — including Mateo (Nico Santos) — with another sad story about her life

OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT

"Where are you going? Can I come?"

"Oh, umm, it's just this dumb party hosted by, umm, Michael Wolff. Mark Cuban's gonna be there, Joe and Mika, James Comey, the Khan family, Robert Mueller and the Central Park Five."

"So, not really my scene?"

Ivanka (voiced by Emily Lynne) cuts her dad (Jeff Bergman) loose by making up a social gathering

THIS IS US (Bonus Quote!)

"Damn, baby! I am feeling Vegas right now! Let's do something crazy. Let's go skydiving! Oh, let's go take ecstasy and see the magician that got ate by the lion!"

Beth (Susan Kelechi Watson) has no chill in Sin City

THIS IS US

"You guys are so Mike and Molly, I can't stand it!"

"[Whispers] I hate you so much."

Toby (Chris Sullivan) isn't a fan of Madison (Caitlin Thompson) — or her pop culture references

SURVIVOR

"Wow, there's a lotta abs here. I've got like, one, that's it."

Jacob, finding it difficult to "stomach" the competition

THE WALKING DEAD

"You be good, OK? For Michonne, for Dad... You gotta honor 'im. Listen when he tells you stuff. You don't have to always. Sometimes kids gotta show their parents the way."

Carl (Chandler Riggs), saying goodbye to baby sister Judith in a way that felt particularly poignant after the Parkland shooting

UNREAL

"May they all be blessed with thick d—ks, and even thicker heads of hair."

Quinn (Constance Zimmer) makes an off-color plea before revealing this season's male contestants

THE JOEL MCHALE SHOW WITH JOEL MCHALE

"This week, CBS unveiled Ghost Island — and no, that is not where they send elderly viewers who have passed away while watching Blue Bloods."

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"What are you analyzing now?"

"Various potential threats. You'd be surprised how frequently S.H.I.E.L.D. is mentioned."

"We have a small but active fanbase."

Is May (Ming-Na Wen) talking about the organization, or the TV show?

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (Bonus Quote!)

"Oh, boy."

Deke (Jeff Ward) unexpectedly makes a quantum leap to our time

THE FLASH

"Ralph, I love ya, but you sleep on a futon."

"A futon's not that bad."

"It is when it's damp!"

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) relates the hazards of babysitting sweaty Ralph

ARROW

"She didn't vanish off the face of the earth."

"Are you sure? Because technically, she is from another Earth."

Oliver (Stephen Amell) rides Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) to track down Earth-Two's Laurel

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Of course I agreed to the deal, but I'm not giving it to that dirty hippie witch bitch."

Zelena (Rebecca Mader) sums up Gothel quite perfectly

ONCE UPON A TIME (Bonus Quote!)

"That woman poisoned my heart!"

"You need a heart? Perhaps we should invite a scarecrow to join us and call it a day?"

Oz's Wicked Witch (Rebecca Mader) has seen this movie before

GOTHAM

"So you're partners with Ed, huh? Why?"

"I'm right here."

"Why not? Wouldn't have been my first choice, but the universe has funny ways."

"Still. Here."

Nygma (Cory Michael Smith) is a hot topic between Jim (Ben McKenzie) and Lee (Morena Baccarin)

SUPERNATURAL

"Dude, if bacon's what kills me, then I win."

Yeah, we're with Dean (Jensen Ackles)

GREY'S ANATOMY

"I never would have pegged myself as a guy who's into moms, but moms make you do things till you get 'em right."

Vik (Rushi Kota), dirty-joking with Levi about an unexpected benefit of sex with April

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"I lied to Sara — in addition to accidentally aiding in the Resurrection of the man who killed her sister. And Ava is angry at me for sending good agents to their deaths."

"Whoa. Sounds like you're a bit of a douche — no offense."

"No, none taken."

Speedster Wally West (Keiynan Lonsdale) is quick to get a read on Rip Hunter (Arthur Darvill)

ATLANTA

"What flavor is a Flamin' Hot Cheeto?"

"Hot."

Earn (Donald Glover) and Darius (Lakeith Stanfield) ponder a deep philosophical question

ATLANTA (Bonus Quote!)

"I would say 'nice to meet you,' but I don't believe in time as a concept. So I'll just say we always met." 

The eternally strange Darius (Lakeith Stanfield) has a unique way of greeting strangers

JANE THE VIRGIN

"I'm compiling a list of leading ladies ranked by availability, tolerability and whether their face muscles can still show emotion."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) has strict criteria in mind when searching for a new co-star

THE BACHELOR

"F—kin' nerd."

Arie has the only appropriate response after being confronted by Becca's ex Ross

SCANDAL

"Popcorn and wine together?"

"Yeah, it's kind of my thing."

Olivia (Kerry Washington) introduces Annalise (Viola Davis) to a #TGIT staple

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

"Metta, what shocked you the most?"

"What shocked me was how bad I was at this game."

Hey, at least Metta World Peace can admit it!