Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 1, 2015

"Why do you work here?"

"To uphold democracy. Did you need a reminder?"

"But the rest of us get to do more than take lunch orders."

"You'll never know the thrill of wondering whether Agent Yauch is in the mood for a club sandwich."

Agent Thompson (Chad Michael Murray) questions Peggy's (Hayley Atwell) pluck

"If we were to take a poll around here of, 'Who would you rather die, Kara or Hunter?'....If we pulled some American Idol thing where you could text in your results, you'd go down pretty easy. Ryan Seacrest gives you that sad hug and off you go."

"First of all,. I don't think Ryan's a hugger. I think you're confusing him for Heidi Klum, who occasionally hugs."

Hunter's sister makes clear that Kara isn't her first choice to get Hunter's heart

"It's just weird having your best friend canoodling with your brother. Ross flipped his lid when he found out Chandler was dating Monica."

"Wait! What?! Monica and Chandler start dating?! You are the worst time-traveler ever! You tell me everything I don't want to know and nothing I do!"

The pitfalls of having a best friend who's come from the future: she spoils shows for you

"Her mouth is not a virgin."

Carly throws shade at Ashley I's declaration of purity, seeing how she's witnessed her rival making out with Chris "like 13,000 times"

"He can ask about it. He can kind of, like, probe at that area if he wants, later on."

What an interesting choice of words as Ashley I. discusses her attempts to hint to Chris that she is, in fact, a virgin

"Who says 'papa'? Are you a little French boy?"

Gina (Chelsea Peretti), upon learning what Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) calls his father

"I got my first take-home test. It's the first test I've taken in years that doesn't require a urine sample."

Jenny (Briga Heelan) is psyched for her first college exam

"Don't play small, my love. Not for him, not for anybody. You're already really short."

Words of wisdom and a joke from the best mom ever Lena (Sherri Saum) to her petite daughter

"Hartley had a 'challenging' personality."

"What she means he was mostly a jerk. But, every once in a while, he could be a dick."

Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) and Cisco (Carlos Valdes) give Barry the 411 on their former colleague now known as The Pied Piper

"You heard the king — if I win, he frees us. And Galavant doesn't lose a duel."

"Oooh, third-person alert."

Isabella's father (Stanley Townsend) can only roll his eyes at Galavant's (Joshua Sasse) bravado

"At the last minute, her arthritis flared up and I went instead. You know me, kind of a good samaritan."

"Good samaritan in that you were helping to kill someone?"

"She got me a matching cat suit — so what was I supposed to do?"

Jerome (Dan Bucatinsky) tries to explain to Fiona (Lisa Kudrow) how he's on the run from the police for conspiracy to commit a murder ordered by her mother

"It's so much better to hate a stranger than to hate your own daughter!"

Putsy (Lily Tomlin) finds the silver lining in the news that Fiona (Lisa Kudrow) was switched at birth with her biological child

"Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show."

Guest host Whitney Cummings makes light of the alarming lack of female hosts in late-night TV

"Xiomara, what is it?... Why are you so afraid to have your pelvis touch mine?"

After one chaste embrace too many, Rogelio (Jaime Camil) forces Xio to come clean about her vow of chastity

"What the hell is kale?"

Dean (Jensen Ackles) is not a fan of his new, healthy diet

"Should have known Rocket and Groot would track me down."

Bad Charlie (Felicia Day) greets Dean (Jensen Ackles) and Sam (Jared Padalecki)

"There's nothing hotter than a guy who hasn't moved a muscle or gotten any sun in four months."

"It's kind of true. How else does Rob Pattinson have a career?"

Leo (Scott Michael Foster) and April (Italia Ricci) reveal the truth: recuperating from brain surgery is apparently a lot like being a star of Twilight

"You think there might be [a tracking device] because...?"

"My father put one in my mother, and she didn't know."

"And your father is... Ike Turner?"

A moment of levity during captivity/"captivity," as Ian (Jason Butler Harner) searches Olivia (Kerry Washington) for a GPS implant

"[The goddess] Kali has six hands, four of them holding items and two of them in specific positions."

"Mudras — a symbolic language or gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. [Off his quizzical look] Thank you, yoga class."

"I'm still not going back."

Ichabod (Tom Mison) has no desire to get his om on again, no matter how much the practice has helped Abbie (Nicole Beharie)

"I'm Zach Galifianakis... I'm an actor?"

The Hangover star takes a jab at himself by changing his inflection on the standard "I'm an actor" intro recited by many of the ceremony's attendees

"I had a big bun, an ugly bun at the back of my head. So I warned my daughter Carrie, who had just gotten a part in a picture — Princess Leia — in Star Wars. I said, 'Carrie, be careful of any weird hairdos.' So luckily, George [Lucas] gave her two buns. Thank you, George."

Debbie Reynolds muses about her Singin' in the Rain hairdo (and embarrasses daughter Carrie Fisher) while accepting SAG's Lifetime Achievement Award

"Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective."

"Oh my God! Peter, did you just rip your own ears off?"

"It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous."

Peter (Seth MacFarlane) to Lois (Alex Borstein), after Meg's announcement she's been recruited as a model

"I promise, I will not crash it."

"I gotta be honest — I'd feel a little more confident in your aeronautic abilities if for instance you knew that helicopters don't have keys."

Ray (Brandon Routh) has understandable reservations about giving Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) the "keys" to his 'copter

"Of course we all know Jackie Robinson, the first African American in Major League Baseball. But do you know Johnny Keyes, the first black man in interracial porno? Could you imagine what Johnny Keyes had to go through in those days? Jackie Robinson got death threats and he was just playing baseball with white people!"

Weekend Update host Michael Che suggests better Black History Month stamp recipients

"Stan is turning seven. He deserves an awesome party. You know, traditionally in Cuba, when you turn seven, you get to smoke your first cigar."

Andy (Ian Gomez) would love for Stan to unhealthily embrace his heritage

"So, how was Paris, man? Did you see the Mona Liar? Or the Lie-fel Tower?"

Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) upon learning that Danny lied about moving to France

"Controversial weekend at the box office. American Sniper raises the question 'is this guy an a**hole or a hero,' while Mortdecai raises the question 'who's the a**hole who green lighted Mortdecai?'"

Larry Wilmore says what we're all thinking about Johnny Depp's latest flop

"After a string of flops, Johnny Depp apparently wants new management. Yep. Apparently he's firing his agent: Nicolas Cage."

This has not been Johnny Depp's week

"I made these brownies myself from scratch using just a mix — and they're good!"

Hannah (Lena Dunham) might not entirely understand complex baking terms like "from scratch"

"I just realized I got so good at selfies I wasn't feeling challenged anymore. And then I thought, 'What would happen if I turned the camera around?' It was a real epiphany for me, Hannah."

Elijah (Andrew Rannells) realizes there may be more interesting photographic subjects than (gasp!) himself

"He tried to out-dance me, girl. Next thing I know, we got three sons."

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) shares just how young (and how quickly) she and Lucious fell for one another