The Bachelorette: Season 11, Week 8

We begin with a one-on-one date between Kaitlyn and the only remaining Ben in the competition, Ben H. They play a game of hide-and-seek in Ireland, then the discussion turns to marriage. Kaitlyn eagerly tells Ben that he's husband material, and when she asks if she's wife material, Ben offers up a very unconvincing, "Uh... yeah!"

Later, Ben reveals his biggest fear to Kaitlyn: that he is unlovable, mainly because of how far south his last relationship went. (Handsome, honest and suffering from shaky self-esteem? I believe I've found your next Bachelor, reality TV producers!)

Then, after Ben suggests that he and Kaitlyn spend the night talking — instead of adding the words "bow chicka wow wow" to their vocabulary — Kaitlyn asks Ben if he's a virgin. Because, according to Kaitlyn's romance guidelines, a guy cannot be more interested in conversation than sex. Interesting.

The next day, Kaitlyn takes Joe, Nick and Shawn on a 3-on-1 date, and pulls Joe aside last. See Joe's face in this photo? This is the face of a guy who doesn't know he's about to get dumped.

And this is the face of a guy who just got dumped — and saw his love turn into someting far darker in a matter of seconds.

Joe and Kaitlyn settle on an immensely awkward hug as their relationship-ending moment, after which Joe tells Kaitlyn, "I'm not saying s—t to you." Kaitlyn, appropriately, rolls her eyes and walks off without another word. (But he seemed so nice three minutes ago!)

And then there were two. Kaitlyn returns to Nick and Shawn, neither of whom get the coveted date rose. Kaitlyn merely tells Nick she will see him at the rose ceremony, then informs Shawn that she'll see him later that night. Neither of the guys know how to respond to this lack of affection.

That night, Kaitlyn finally — finally! — tells Shawn the big news: that she and Nick had sex a few weeks back. What follows is a several-minutes-long sequence of confusion and shock on Shawn's face. Allow me to show you.

Confusion.

Shock.

Confusion.

Shock.

Shawn decides to take a bathroom break in order to process his feelings, but he can't even find solace in the men's room. "I'm so tense right now, I can't even piss," he announces from the loo. TMI, Shawn. T-M-I.

Then, in a plot twist that I can't imagine anyone saw coming (given Shawn's track record and all), Shawn returns to Kaitlyn and tells her that he's just going to man up and deal with it. "What am I going to do, storm out?" Shawn asks Kaitlyn. Yes! That's what we all thought you were going to do! Good on you for being mature, Shawn.

...Or not. Just as Kaitlyn offers Shawn the first rose at the ceremony, Shawn insists he needs to talk to Kaitlyn outside.

I can't actually hear Kaitlyn's internal monologue, but I imagine it goes something like this: "Are you freakin' kidding me?"

Upon getting Kaitlyn alone, Shawn reveals his one big question for her: "Why [Nick]?" (Which I can't help but think is none of Shawn's business at the end of the day.)

Kaitlyn tells Shawn that, although she loves his honesty and his level of investment in a relationship with her, "you've got to let me figure things out for myself." [Insert "praise hands" emoji here.]

In this photo, Shawn tries to understand what "letting Kaitlyn figure things out for herself" means. It doesn't seem to be going well.

But, in a thoroughly expected move on Shawn's part, he ultimately accepts the rose that Kaitlyn offers. (As do Nick and Ben, who also receive flowers for their lapels.)

Jared, meanwhile, remains a gentleman even after he's eliminated, offering Kaitlyn his coat in the chilly night air and comforting her as she cries. I would suggest that Jared be the next Bachelor, but he's far too nice a guy for that. (FYI: The next slide shows Jared crying in the back of a limo. Get your Kleenex ready.)

I tried to warn you.

I'm going to fast-forward through the majority of Kaitlyn and Nick's one-on-one date. There's some drinking, there's some talking, but you know the drill: It's mostly kissing, and the evening ends with an invitation to the fantasy suite.

The next morning, Kaitlyn and Nick chow down on bacon and make small talk. And while I understand that Nick is supposed to be the villain through all of this, the whole scene is actually pretty cute.

And Shawn, who can't leave well enough alone (and/or is merely doing what the producers tell him to do), tracks down Nick's room number and invites himself in for a little chat. The main point? Shawn still hates Nick — sorry, "The Other Guy" — which all of us have known for some time now.

Oh, and BTW, Britt and Brady are going to try the whole long-distance thing. I could have sworn Britt was on the verge of friend-zoning Brady the last time we saw them — but hey, a lot can change when you're getting paid to be on television.