Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 5, 2018

SHARP OBJECTS

"Zeke Calhoun, our founding pedophile, he fought for the South. And his child bride, Millie Calhoun — she was my great-great-great-grand victim or something — she was from a Union family."

"Hell of a pairing."

"Yeah. Well, one day, the Union come down here to collect hubby, dead or alive. But brave Millie, who is with child, she refuses to give Zeke up. She resists. But it's how she resists that people in this town just love. The Union soldiers, they tied her to a tree. Did horrible things to her. Violations. But Millie never said a word. Lost the baby. The end. Applause."

"And this is a holiday?"

"We don't have a lot of happy stories around here."

Camille (Amy Adams) explains the origins of Calhoun Day to town newcomer Richard (Chris Messina)

CLAWS

"Hey, sis. [laughs] Wow. What do you call that shade of red: Cry For Help?" 

Polly's long-lost twin sister Lillian (Carrie Preston) is back... and isn't loving Polly's taste in hair color

ANIMAL KINGDOM

"Four grown men here, and I am the only one with a pair of balls!"

Smurf (Ellen Barkin), appalled by her boys' reluctance to take on Lucy and her crew

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"'Prosecutors will decide' is one of those three-word phrases you hear so often that you don't even know what it means anymore, like 'User Agreement Update,' or 'Some Restrictions Apply,' or 'Tyler Perry Presents.' You know, at this point, I'm just going to assume he presents everything. It's safer that way. I technically think he presents this show."

THE SINNER

"'He's crazy,' is that what you're thinking? Or he's been abused? Or I pumped him full of Adderall and fed him junk food and video games? Or maybe he's just evil, is that it? My son is so far beyond anything you could understand. You have no idea."

Cult leader Vera (Carrie Coon) warns Detective Ambrose about Julian's unfulfilled potential

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Disney has created a hotline that will allow children to talk with their favorite Disney characters on the phone to help them go to sleep — and boy, are Billy's parents concerned that he keeps picking the guy who killed Bambi's mom."

THE AFFAIR

"They say the best advice is to be yourself, but I think it's best to enhance your natural personality. Cole, for instance, he's a moper... classic moper. See, his thing is to belly-up to the bar and order a drink, like, you know, really seriously, like he's ordering a missile strike, and then just stare into the glass really, really intense like he's reading tea leaves, like he can see the future in there."

Noah (Dominic West) describes Cole's alleged pick-up tactic

THE BACHELORETTE

"People say they get butterflies, but butterflies are small feelings. You give me, like, eagles."

Garrett moves up the food chain a bit in order to adequately describe his affection for Becca

THE 100

"Just once, I'd like to take off from a planet that wasn't on fire."

Bless Raven (Lindsey Morgan) for being able to crack a joke while simultaneously saving her people from a fatal explosion

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"Construction workers recently found a 124-year-old time capsule underneath a school in Massachusetts that contains two newspapers, Civil War medals and the first season of Grey's Anatomy."

INSATIABLE

"Dixie Sinclair, what are your thoughts on ISIS?"

"Ices? Like Italian ices? I love 'em, orange is my favorite! Thank you."

Dixie's (Irene Choi) answer to that pageant question tells you absolutely everything you need to know about her

SHOOTER

"I want Swagger arrested."

"On what charge...?"

"Trespassing. Assault with a deadly weapon. Attempted murder. Being an asshole."

Red (Gerald McRaney) gives Sheriff Brown any number of reasons to nab his nemesis

SALVATION

"You look bigger."

"You look smaller. What do you want?"

Liam (Charlie Rowe) sizes up newly installed POTUS Darius (Santiago Cabrera)

SUCCESSION

"I would like to welcome Tom to the family. I don't feel like I'm losing a sister. I don't feel like I'm gaining a brother, either. I don't feel anything. It's a mental disorder. It's called borderline personality disorder. Why is everybody laughing?"

Roman (Kieran Culkin), making the most of his toast at Shiv's wedding

SUITS

"I'm going to need your Johnny Appleseed."

"Sheila, you know if there's one thing that revs me up more than Elmer Fudd, it's American folk heroes."

"I think it's time for Paul Bunyan to march across that forest and take out his axe."

Sheila (Rachael Harris) and Louis' (Rick Hoffman) idea of foreplay is... interesting

SUITS (Bonus Quote!)

"You know what, Alex? You may be a hell of a lawyer, but if you can't appreciate the original Star Trek, you're nothing, because Captain Kirk is the best television character ever created."

"I've got two words for you, motherf—ker: Magnum, P.I."

Harvey (Gabriel Macht) and Alex (Dulé Hill) have very strong — and differing — opinions about the classics

WYNONNA EARP (Bonus Quote!)

"Taking your belt off at work? Hashtag #MeToo, buddy."

Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) gets ready to wrassle with a demonic guard

KILLJOYS

"Uh-oh. Mommy and Daddy. This isn't good."

Coming to while laying on the floor, Hullened-out Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) suspects he has been a bad, bad boy

WYNONNA EARP

[Wynonna, after doing an impression of Doc] "OK, now you do me."

"Maybe once we're alone."

[To Nicole] "Someone ate his Wheaties this morning...."

They may be out of ammo, but Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) and Doc's (Tim Rozon) banter is loaded