Quotes Of The Week For July 10, 2016

"So let's start off with MadamSecretary@Yahoo.com..."

Noah introduces a segment focused on Hillary Clinton's email scandal

"Excuse me. Just adding Loretta Lynch to my list of women who regret privately meeting with Bill Clinton."

Wilmore interrupts a piece on Clinton and Lynch's tarmac meeting to add the Attorney General's name to a growing list

"I'm so sorry about what's going on with your wife... but don't worry about anything. Jason's gonna find you another mate, I'm sure."

"Maybe I've already found one."

Theo (Jason Patric) teases Megan (Hope Davis) about potentially being his Wayward Pines soulmate

"It's good to have you back. It's nice to just... be a team again."

"That's us. The 'team-iest.'"

Did D'Av (Luke Macfarlane) just get Friend Zone'd by Dutch in the middle of outer space?

"Evelyn, what are you wearing?!"

"I believe the correct question is: Who am I wearing?"

Marisol (Ana Ortiz) is understandably surprised to see that Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky) has swapped her cater waiter duds for a runway ready gown

"British people never make the mistake of developing self-esteem because no matter what we achieve, deep down, we know that we'll never be as good as the Queen — which is to say an elderly woman who frowns for a living."

Oliver takes a realist approach to describing British pessimism

"You ok?"

"I'm sick."

"Sh—t, I'm sorry. Anything I can do?"

"Don't bother me today."

Leon (Nyasha Hatendi) would really appreciate a day to recuperate without hearing about Alex's (Tommy Dewey) #FirstWorldProblems

"So you're saying this Genesis is some sort of... angel/demon baby?"

"If by 'baby,' you mean the most powerful entity ever known, the singular force that would shift the balance of power and threaten all of creation, then... yeah, it's a baby."

DeBlanc (Anatol Yusef), trying to make it clear to Jesse (Dominic Cooper) that the hyprid that's given him superpowers doesn't deal in kid stuff

"I've become such a success and so popular, and I'm still around..."

"Ish. You're still around-ish. Like, you're kind of here in the same way that Jimmy Carter is still with us."

Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) doesn't even try to inflate Jerry Seinfeld's ego

"How dare he say you're not funny. You're at least in the Top 50."

Jeannie (Ashley Williams) inadvertently disses Jim when he doesn't make a blogger's list of Top 100 New York comics

"Remember your reckless spontaneity. That's the best part of you, and the greatest thing that ever happened to me."

"Besides mom."

"I know my own life."

Cory (Ben Savage) doesn't need Riley (Rowan Blanchard) to remind him of his love for Topanga when he's trying to express his love for Shawn

"Why do I have to be here? Do you know what kind of a schlep this is? Is this even a place? My GPS said 'end of the world' 40 miles ago!"

Cory (Ben Savage) isn't fond of the drive from New York City to Shawn's cabin in the woods

"That's not Orion's Belt. That's O'Brien's Belt, Orion's lesser known, Irish cousin."

Jake (Chris Wood) makes light of his makeshift solar system

"What were you thinking, huh?! Who are you, anyway?"

Proper introductions are probably in order before Mitch (Billy Burke) tears into trigger-happy Dariela any further

"Scoop up some ants. Hurry — before this spinal fluid goes bad."

"Now that's a sentence you could go your whole life and never hear."

The mystery of electrifying, murderous ants finds Mitch (Billy Burke) and Oz (James Wolk) doing odd things

"Humans are so desperate to express their individuality, to separate themselves from each other. Seems so shortsighted."

"You really wanna make that speech wearing that outfit?"

Mildred (Grace Zabriskie), after devilish Sidney (Brent Spiner) mocks her collection of figurines

"Oh, god, my beautiful clothes. I was saving that dress for the funeral of an enemy. That's who did this: Kelly Ripa! Kelly Ripa did it!"

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) jumps to conclusions after her in-office wardrobe catches on fire

"She's wearing a cupcake onesie, so she looks delicious. I mean, I would've bitten her."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) attempts to defend Leo's decision to bite another classmate 

"This is crazy! I don't do acid!"

"You don't think I know what 'blotter' means? I was a counselor in the '70s."

Confronting Blotter (Zachary Gordon), Deb (Elizabeth Mitchell) knows a bad trip when she sees one

"That was not the kind of 'wrestling' I was hoping for."

On-the-edge Vincent pins Catherine (Kristin Kreuk) when she surprises him with a playful shower visit

"She's a virgin. She goes to the doctor. The doctor is confused, gives her sperm. She thinks she's someone else."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"The confused gynecologist goes, umm, 'Which one is in which room?'"

"What!? That's awful!"

Andy Richter explains the plot of Jane the Virgin to Conan O'Brien during a dress rehearsal outtake

"Marvel announced that the next Iron Man will be an African-American woman. However, in keeping with Hollywood tradition, she will still be played by Robert Downey Jr."

O'Brien pokes fun at the unfortunate tradition of Hollywood whitewashing