Quotes Of The Week For May 7, 2017

BABY DADDY

"I preheated the oven, man! Put the meat in!"

Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) may be a disgusting human being, but he makes a hell of a wing man — and, yes, this is actually how men talk about women on this show

MADAM SECRETARY

"OK, I didn't understand that, but I understood that."

Daisy (Patina Miller) needs no translator to know that Jay (Sebastian Arcelus) and Sofia (Flor De Liz Perez) are flirting in Spanish

QUANTICO

"That's a good-looking family. And you stay here —"

"— and take care of the kids? Hell yes, I do. She's great at what she does, and I'm great at what I do."

Matthew (Henry Czerny) proudly strikes a blow for women's lib, surprising Ryan (Jake McLaughlin)

SILICON VALLEY

"I did sex on her!"

Dinesh (Kumail Nanjiani) announces he had intimate relations with his date Mia in a totally normal way

VEEP

"He was a friend to all people... especially corporations, who he legally considered to be people."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) eulogizes a Supreme Court Justice who must've been a fan of Citizens United

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"Queen Elizabeth was spotted driving herself home from church yesterday in a Jaguar. A Jaguar? All I see is a cougar!"

THE MIDDLE

"We're all born with a crap sandwich. Some people get a big one, others get a small one. You eat your way through it, then you're dead."

Mike (Neil Flynn) explains to Frankie how the no-good universe works

THE MIDDLE (Bonus Quote!)

"My second 'Year of Sue' was my best 'Year of Sue' and my first was my second. I thought this would be my first, but it turns out that it's my third. Actually, you know what? I can't even call this a 'Year of Sue.' If I had to label it, I would call it a 'Sue Sue So-So Sophomore Slump.'"

Perhaps Sue (Eden Sher) should just skip the labels altogether...

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

"President Obama is over in Italy right now, and today he described what it is like to live and work in the White House. He called the White House a 'prison,' then Hillary started chanting, 'Lock me up! Lock me up!'"

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"As of yesterday afternoon, the only FBI drama most Americans expected to see unfold on TV were the upcoming seasons of Twin Peaks and The X Files. But at 6 pm... our dumb Democracy ran into a wall with a bucket on its head again."

Bee tries to best sum up President Trump's termination of FBI Director James Comey

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Trump, who is famous for firing people on TV, is now firing people via TV. Of course, on The Apprentice, [he] at least had the decency to fire people to their face using his now famous catchphrase, 'There were 1.5 million people at my inauguration.' Wait, no, that's not it. What was his catchphrase? 'You're fake news!' No, that wasn't it, either. 'Grab 'em by the p—y?' No. 'You're fired!' I'm sorry, he just has so many catchphrases."

CRIMINAL MINDS

"You can't be a mother, Cat. I'm not trying to insult you. It's your psychological makeup.... You'd lose interest in your own baby the way a 6-year-old loses interest in a pet hamster."

Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) offers his tormentor some parental guidance

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA

"I'm not takin' it no more. Not today."

"Not even next Tuesday."

"Not next Tuesday, not next Wednesday at 3, not even Friday at 1. Not today."

"Right. Possibly on a Sunday I'll take it, 'cause I'm Christian."

Kenya, phoning pal Brandon, completely over the reunion show

HAWAII FIVE-0

"Haven't you heard the expression, 'You get more flies with honey than vinegar'?"

"No, but I have heard the expression, 'If you have nothing positive to say, keep your hole shut. Unless you're talking to your ex-wife.'"

Danny (Scott Caan) chides Steve (Alex O'Loughlin) for taunting a bad guy towing precious cargo

RIVERDALE

"My dad says more and more drugs are hitting the streets."

"Kevin, relax — this isn't The Wire."

Jughead (Cole Sprouse) keeps the town's drug problem in check

THE FLASH

"[To Barry] He's all the worst parts of you. It's like in Star Trek when the transporter splits Kirk into Good Kirk and Bad Kirk. [To H.R.] Please tell me you at least have Star Trek on your Earth...."

"Voyager."

"I hate spinoffs."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) learns another sad fact about life on H.R.'s (Tom Cavanagh) Earth-19

LUCIFER

"Do you mean actual gates? Like, big and pearly? Are we talking clouds? Harps? Old dudes in white robes?"

"And my dad is Morgan Freeman...? Focus, doctor."

Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris) dwells on the details of Lucifer's (Tom Ellis) Heavenly home

ONCE UPON A TIME

"My voice just soars!
Had no idea it could!
Now I'm singing out
And my, do I sound go-o-o-o-o-ood!"

Even in song, Charming (Josh Dallas) doesn't lose a bit of princely swagger

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Who the hell is this guy?"

"Well, you missed a fair amount, May. But the quick version is: You can go ahead and shoot him."

Oh, if only it were that simple, Phil (Clark Gregg)

SCORPION

"Please remain in your seats until the captain has turned off the Crap Your Pants sign."

Toby (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and the team survive a very bumpy landing

SUPERGIRL

"People see this big guy in a scary mask and they freak out. They run away. Just like Clark's friend."

"Oh, you mean.... [Winn makes bat ears with fingers]. I feel like they're more 'frenemies.'"

James (Mehcad Brooks) worries that Guardian drives citizens batty

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing them with birth control. India: Where they treat monkies better than America treats women."