Quotes Of The Week For March 26, 2017

THE MINDY PROJECT

"Plan my wedding? You're the one who convinced me that I don't need to get married, and honestly, it's been so freeing. I have so much extra brain space and I can finally understand my TV shows. Transparent? A guy!"

It apparently took Dr. Lahiri (Mindy Kaling) three full seasons of Transparent to fully grasp its central premise

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Well, congrats to President Trump on creating the least popular Bill since Cosby."

ONCE UPON A TIME

"I beg your pardon? I'm a queen! Not some burlap-loving peasant who sleeps in dirt."

"Excuse me, I sleep on hay. Which... is on dirt. But there's a separation."

The Truly Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla) takes issue with Wish Robin (Sean Maguire) suggesting they're kindred souls

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN

"Please stop referring to me as 'an old broad.' It's slander, and it impairs my ability to secure future work."

"The only thing impairing your ability is a fifth of vodka."

Joan (Jessica Lange) slurs her way through a legal threat against Bette (Susan Sarandon)

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"I'm going to miss you, Miss Lance. Having you around to attend to my every whim was too enticing to pass up. Plus, it's so hard to find good help these days—"

"Really? Now's the time for a Bad Guy Monologue?"

Damien's (Neal McDonough) dispatching of Sara is testing Snart's (Wentworth Miller) patience

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"There's a lot to worry about in the news these days: Has Russia infiltrated our government? Will global warming get worse? Is True Detective Season 3 going to suck as much as Season 2?"

THE GOOD FIGHT

"Ma'am, you're an acquired taste, and I don't think I've acquired it yet, so... shh."

Judge Kyle Gallo (Kevin Pollak) isn't used to the idiosyncratic Elsbeth Tascioni

THE MAGICIANS

"I gather three-person marriage isn't normal on Earth."

"Not outside of Utah. Or some websites."

"Those are cities made out of pixels, right?"

There is so much Queen Fen (Brittany Curran) doesn't grasp about King Eliot's (Hale Appleman) homeland — but she's totally cool with her husband's new husband

CONAN

"President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the Opening Day pitch for the Washington Nationals. Yeah, for some reason he doesn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of large, Hispanic men holding baseball bats."

CONAN (Bonus Quote!)

"It's come out that several of Donald Trump's businesses have ties to the Russian mafia. So if you're keeping track, we're officially up to Season 3 of The Sopranos right now."

THE GOLDBERGS

"I'm sorry, I tried to read it, but it's the longest book about the shortest people!"

Adam (Sean Giambrone) cannot get through Lord of the Rings, even for his dream nerd girl

GIRLS

"F—k that. Men are only on this Earth to buy us jeans."

Athena Dante (Latisha Di Venuto) gives Elijah a pep talk after his ex-boyfriend ruins his mood

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN (Bonus Quote!)

"It's just like 1937 all over again."

"When Hitler took Austria."

"No, when they labeled me 'box-office poison.'"

Joan (Jessica Lange) reminds Mamacita (Jackie Hoffman) of history's true tragedies

GREY'S ANATOMY

"You're never gonna look back and say, 'I wish I'd been more uptight.'"

Diane (LaTanya Richardson Jackson), imparting a last bit of wisdom to daughter Maggie

MOM

"I always wanted a girl..."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) gets excited about the prospect of Jill raising a daughter — as if she herself never had the chance to raise Christy

SUPERNATURAL

"I even took a swim this morning."

"You brought a swimsuit?"

"No."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) is really taking to life in a three-star hotel, swimsuit be damned

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

"This is probably not the sport for people with an AARP membership."

At 52 years old, we can't really blame Charlie Hides for not wanting to take part in the cheerleading challenge

HOMELAND

"I am the next president of the United States. Sixty million people voted for me. Who the hell voted for you?!"

President-elect Keane (Elizabeth Marvel) puts CIA villain Dar Adal in his place with a little electoral math