Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 3, 2019

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"This was not a particularly good [State of the Union] speech, but what it lacked in quality, it made up in length. It was like watching paint lie."

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty."

"I am not looking at Trudy Judy's booty."

"Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty."

"She's a beauty, but I'm on duty..."

"And you're married."

"Yeah, but that doesn't rhyme."

Terry (Terry Crews) interrupts Doug (Craig Robinson) and Jake (Andy Samberg) during an impressive rhyming stretch

SCHITT'S CREEK

"Oh! Moira, he spit up on me — and he spit up in the playpen!"

"Ew! That cannot be good, John! Its body is ejecting things? What did you do to it?!"

"Nothing. I changed his diaper, that's all."

"Well, perhaps you swaddled its abdomen too tightly? Or maybe it's allergic to something. John, did you feed it shellfish?"

Johnny (Eugene Levy) and Moira (Catherine O'Hara), making child's play of the "infelicitous burden" of their babysitting duties

SCHITT'S CREEK (Bonus Quote!)

"John, it says right here spitting up is normal. Jocelyn's written, 'Spit happens.' Very clever — for Jocelyn."

Moira, consulting the baby binder with which Jocelyn wisely left her sitters

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"New York's L train connecting Manhattan and Brooklyn was shut down temporarily yesterday after passengers complained of strong fumes in stations that caused vomiting. Even worse, one passenger passed out... CDs."

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale, and according to The Wall Street Journal, one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world."

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"Elizabeth Warren said she was American Indian around the same time almost every Virginia politician was in blackface. Did nobody want to be white in the '80s?"

RUSSIAN DOLL (Episode 8)

"Life is like a box of timelines. You feel me?"

Nadia (Natasha Lyonne) invokes Forrest Gump while explaining to new acquaintance Joe that his late wife is alive and well in another universe

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

"Mike, I understood World War II, with Hitler and all those wiseacres. But this war doesn't even have any decent villains! Who am I supposed to hate this time? Jane Fonda?"

Peggy (Mary McCormack) is unimpressed by the Vietnam War narrative

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

"My client has been openly critical of the police force and their treatment of people of color. And as a result, the FBI has labeled him as a black identity extremist. As if it's so extreme to think that black lives matter."

"Oh, no playing the race card, Ms. Keating."

"Well, it's not a card if it's a fact, Judge."

Annalise (Viola Davis) has some brutal honesty for the judge overseeing Gabriel's domestic terrorism case

GREY'S ANATOMY

"I met someone. And he's hot, and he's confident, and he likes me. And I'm gay. And he's gay. And we're gay... together. And it's the most me I ever felt in my whole life."

Levi (Jake Borelli), coming out to Meredith, Jo and the whole O.R.

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"I'm supposed to be on a date."

"You already are."

DeLuca (Giacomo Gianniotti), stealing away Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) from her evening with Link

SUPERNATURAL

"Son, I am so sorry."

"I'm sorry, too. But you did your best. You fought for us and loved us. That's enough."

John (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Sam (Jared Padalecki) finally make amends

GOOD TROUBLE

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get you wet."

"I bet you say that to all the ladies."

Gael (Tommy Martinez), fresh from the pool, greets an unintentionally high Stef (Teri Polo)

ONE DAY AT A TIME (Episode 12)

"Mami, we need to talk."

"Hold on, I'm watching the president. Oh wait, it is a hemorrhoid commercial."

Lydia (Rita Moreno) confuses a political pain in the butt with, well...

STAR TREK: DISCOVERY

"A giant entity from the universe and a mycelial species from the network? They have as much in common as me and that grease monkey." 

"I can fix that analogy with duct tape, too."

Stamets (Anthony Rapp) and his less-polished peer, Jett Reno (Tig Notaro), trade barbs

RUSSIAN DOLL (Episode 7)

"No matter how much we think we're fooling people, our bodies... they can't keep lying the way that our minds can. Mine stopped lying a long time ago. For years, I've just been... I've just been hollow."

Alan (Charlie Barnett), admitting to Beatrice — and to himself — that his unhappiness and fear of failure have him stuck in a never-ending cycle

BLACK LIGHTNING

"Jennifer, the power to do amazing things comes with a responsibility to do the right thing. Revenge is not the right thing, justice is."

"Ever heard of an eye for an eye? For a guy like Tobias, revenge is justice."

Jefferson (Cress Williams) evokes that famous Spider-Man line when trying to help headstrong Jennifer (China Anne McClain) deal with the pain of losing Khalil

ARROW

"[Archival video] Look, you don't become successful in my line of work without being really good at sizing people up. Trust me, Oliver Queen is no one's hero."

"Obviously, this particular comment didn't age too well."

Bodyguard Diggle's (David Ramsey) words come back to haunt him

ARROW (Bonus Quote!)

"Oliver needs access to the Black Watch satellites."

"Is he supposed to know about those? [To Oliver] You know about those?"

"You've met my wife, right, Curtis?"

Never underestimate Smoak tech!