Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 8, 2016

"I read that Donald and Melania Trump are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. Yeah, and you thought your Uberpool was uncomfortable."

"You should never eat anything with claws. I mean, would you eat a cat? No. So why would you eat something from the ocean with claws?"

Scheana's philosophy toward lobsters is even more distressing when you remember that she makes her living as a waitress

"Can I just buy some of this discounted Halo stuff for my baby...? It's normally so expensive I can barely afford her eye shadow."

Cheyenne (Nichole Bloom) makes sure her newborn has all the essentials: Baby powder, eye makeup...

"I've seen you in interviews take issue with a group of people that you feel are sort of saying 'not my president' about Donald Trump, and I just want to make it very clear that he is my president."

"Good for you."

"He's my president so much it's keeping me up at night."

Meyers breaks the ice at the start of his interview with Kellyanne Conway

"Someone needs to make Radcliffe watch all the Terminator movies."

"Even Salvation?"

"He brought this on himself."

Elena (Natalia Cordova-Buckley) will show Aida's creator no mercy

"How is Radcliffe holding up?"

"He's taking it pretty hard, actually. Aida was his life's work. She was kind of like a child."

"Small wonder."

Mack (Henry Simmons) lets no TV/movie android go untouched

"What's so great about Buffy? It's just a vampire show."

"Well it's an allegory for how strong women are in constant battle with an oppressive, blood-sucking, male-dominated society."

Elena (Isabella Gomez) geeks out about Buffy the Vampire Slayer while explaining to Alex (Marcel Ruiz) that it's more than just some "vampire show"

"Imagine how different our lives would be without iPhones. Without an iPhone, you wouldn't be able to see that your friend is calling, wait until they stop calling, and then text them 'Why are you calling?' Kids in America would have great posture, and kids in China would have a day off."

"Blood trail? We don't need no stinking blood trail!"

[Met by blank stares]

"Nobody? Really? Treasure of the Sierra Madre? Humphrey Bogart...? We've gotta fix this. Can you make a DVD player out of some rocks and twigs or something?"

Jack (George Eads) demands a better audience

"What's wrong with my haircut?"

"You look like a woman playing a small boy in a play."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) pokes fun at Christy's (Anna Faris) new bangs after she tries to give herself a haircut

"How does it work?"

"I don't know, Tina. Do I look like Bill Gates?"

"A little, yes."

At long last, we can stop wondering where we feel like we've seen Mr. Frond before!

"You could tell he was very comfortable in his own skin 'cause he started wearing those cute little Sally Jessy Raphael glasses. You know what those glasses say? They say it's a long way from here to South Dakota!"

The host on Senator-turned-Obama policy advisor Tom Daschle

"William... how's the sequel to Beginners going?"

William's face says it all when Kevin (Justin Hartley) asks about his late-in-life, same-sex relationship with Jesse

"I feel like we're puppies no one wants and Sarah McLachlan should be singing a song about us."

Sue (Eden Sher) sums up what it feels like for her and Lexie not to get picked for new dorms

"Dorit not talking is like trying to fly without wings or trying to walk without legs. I mean, she's not going to win this one!"

Lisa, explaining why her fellow housewife sucks at charades

"Thank you first of all to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for this amazing honor. I suppose it's made more amazing by the fact that I'll be able to say I won this at the last ever Golden Globes. I don't mean to be gloomy, it's just that it has the words 'Hollywood,' 'foreign' and 'press' in the title. I also think to some Republicans even the word 'association' is slightly sketchy."

Hugh Laurie accepts his award — and makes a political statement in the process

"Sir, what about Comedians Sit in Silence With Chrissy Teigen?"

Billy Eichner, attempting to come up with a viral video sensation, pitches one pedestrian a Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee alternative

"Yes, well, I'm very busy at the moment. I have to drink a cup of tea."

Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch) refuses a case in the most British way possible

"Look, Mr. Trump: You can refuse to release your taxes, you can call a ban on an entire religion, you can play footsie with a dictator... but calling Meryl Streep overrated? No."

Colbert speaks for all of us after the president-elect calls the Oscar winner overrated

"I am asking you to hold fast to that faith written into our founding documents... a creed at the core of every American whose story is not yet written: Yes, we can. Yes, we did. Yes, we can."