Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 5, 2017

"My mom had a record cover of [Josephine Baker] that got me through some lonely nights."

"That's some antique porn, my friend."

"I prefer the term 'vintage.'"

Rufus (Malcolm Barrett) overshares with the new Time Team member

"You'll make the right decision at the right time. Or, you'll get an Asgardian staff through the chest. I'd try to avoid that part."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) offers Director Mace some (slightly) reassuring words

"Dammit! I had plans tonight: I was going to watch Outlander and eat my frosting sandwich."

Frankie (Patricia Heaton) gets mad at Mike for agreeing to babysit the neighbor's kid — and wrecking what sounds like the perfect evening

"Well, we got a great turnout at Font Club. Unfortunately, most kids are in it for the credit. But there is this one guy: Gibson. He's a savant. He's a font savant. He's a 'safont'!"

Brick (Atticus Shaffer) geeks out about a new kid in Font Club

"Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986 over concerns of racism. But don't worry, if there's one thing that usually makes racists better, it's age."

"We got married in turnout gear, so the ring needs to be a thing. [Severide smiles] I know what you're thinking, and whipped cream will not be a part of it."

"Damn, I thought I nailed it."

Casey (Jesse Spencer) and Severide (Taylor Kinney) mull how the former should give Dawson her rock

"Who the hell are you?"

"Beyoncé. Who the hell are you?"

Now that she's met her new cellmate, Claudia (Yolonda Ross) is probably hoping for Annalise's sudden return

"Do you wanna be my girlfriend?"

"OK. But don't touch me."

Mental patients David (Dan Stevens) and Syd (Rachel Keller) agree on some basic ground rules for their new relationship

"Art school? Two nonsense words that don't even belong together. It's like tire lemon."

"Or pistachio belt."

"No, see, now that makes sense to me. It's an easy way to snack on the go."

Jessica (Constance Wu) can't make sense of her sister's new passion — but she totally supports Louis' (Randall Park) "pistachio belt" idea

"I can honestly say I would give my left tit to have either one of you wonderful, mansplaining pricks in the White House right now."

Come back to us, Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz!

"Seriously, you idiots haven't figured this out by now?... Who writes this crap, anyway?"

Taking over this week's intro voiceover, Mick (Dominic Purcell) says what many of us often are thinking

"These are just the facts, honey. The rest is just cheap whiskey."

Rayna (Connie Britton) gloats when Deacon admits that she — and not he — was right about the location of their first kiss

"They cut my penis! Oh my God, they cut my penis!"

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) uses unfortunate wording to complain about his nude scene being left out of a film

"If that's your idea of increasing performance, then you ought to rethink your career, because that thing has crashed more times than Mel Gibson on his way home from a Saturday night."

Donna (Sarah Rafferty) is not pleased with what the firm's head of IT did to her computer

"If Jasmine was a vegetable, she'd be a turnip — because she's turned all the way up!"

Raven, observing a fellow singleton slowly lose it during a volleyball game

"If a witch got a clear shot at me, I would be dead. I wouldn't be freaking Dory. I'm not gonna apologize for loving that fish. Not to you, not to anyone."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) confesses his love for a fictional animated character after a hex causes him to lose his memory

"My God. The only site we can get on is LinkedIn."

Teddy (Danny Pudi) suspects the work of the most fiendish supervillain

"What's wrong with you, David? You go from white girl to beige girl. Are you working your way back to my complexion, or have you just given up on real black altogether?"

Veronica (Angela Robinson), intercepting a call from her estranged husband during her confrontation with his new girlfriend

"Five other retailers, including Neiman Marcus, also announced that they are dropping Ivanka Trump's fashion line, while AutoZone announced they'll no longer carry Eric and Donald Jr.'s hair grease."

[Curtis says "Thank you so much!" in Russian]

"Your strange friend's pronunciation is horrible."

"Yeah, I'll tutor him later."

Anatoly (David Nykl) gives Curtis no "A" for effort

"I just don't think people come here to find love. This is a workplace, not Match.com."

"What's Match.com?"

"It's like Christian Mingle, but for everyone."

Is it any wonder why Amy (America Ferrera) and Glenn's (Mark McKinney) conversation eventually led to a store-wide sexual harassment seminar?

"[Barking noises]"

Uh... Remember when Tom (Brian Letscher) randomly started barking like a dog in the middle of an argument with Cyrus?

"We did this little campaign thing for the election... and NBC just thought, 'Wow, this is actually working. Why don't we do it again?'"

"What part of it was working? Because your candidate, Hillary Clinton, did not actually win after you made the video. So after that failed video, you decided, 'We've gotta do this again'?"

[Awkward silence]

"Mhmm. Can't wait to come back to TV!"

Sean Hayes deadpans the perfect answer when discussion of the Will & Grace revival takes an uncomfortable turn

"Why?"

Upon realizing he and Melissa are sharing their Valentine's getaway with Steve and Lynn, Danny's (Scott Caan) reaction is really the only one

"Top done! Bottom time..."

And boy did Lady Ev (Stefania Martini) and her oil can mean it!

"Who do you think you are?"

"Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

"What?"

"Not a big movie fan?"

Dr. Willis (Rob Lowe) has no patience for a CDC wonk — especially one who's never seen Notting Hill

"Aly is the tapioca pearl to my milky matcha, each made better by the unlikely presence of the other. I think you know what I'm saying..."

"I haven't known what you've been saying for three-and-a-half years."

Schmidt (Max Greenfield) can't decipher Winston's (Lamorne Morris) crazy metaphor