Quotes Of The Week For March 29, 2015

"You're wrong, you know. I would never murder you... myself. That's a rookie move. I'd pay a professional to do it."

Cyrus (Jeff Perry) is full of sweet nothings before he and Michael tie the knot

"I think he's using you."

"For what? For sex? God bless him."

Owen (Kevin McKidd) has his suspicions about his mother's (Debra Mooney) much younger beau

"Japanese is super easy to get the hang of. It's just like four sounds that you kind of like loop around and put together. It's like 'Haiiiii' and like 'Johhhh.'"

"Um, so how frequently do you travel to Japan?"

"I have not been, but I get a lot of visual aids from the Internet, and I have Skyped with people in Tokyo. I'll go like 'Haiiii' and they will do 'haiiii' back."

A potential employer (Aidy Bryant) may be underselling the linguistic difficulty Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) will face if she takes a job in Japan

"Desi, this isn't about where you're from. OK? This isn't about geography. This is about that distressed shirt you're wearing. This is about the fact that you have eyeliner on your face right now. This is about the fact that your musical sensibility is insufferable. Don't ever think that you get on stage anywhere where the vast majority of the crowd doesn't think 'Douche.' Douche. You know how you feel when you watch Imagine Dragons? Well, that's how we feel about you. And you know what, Imagine Dragons are great, and you're the douche."

Ray (Alex Karpovsky) finally shares his true feelings for Marnie's musician boyfriend Desi (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) — and it has nothing to do with him being from the pacific northwest

"Professor, I didn't see that one coming — and that's hard for a psychic to say."

Avalon (Cyndi Lauper) is pleasantly surprised by Hodgins' allowance that psychics might be real

"I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed, addict-bound, incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming."

Frankie (Paget Brewster) gets real... too real

"This is my boyfriend Trent. He's a DJ."

"Oh, no way! I'm a DJ too!"

"No, you're not."

"Um, I have a computer and headphones and I know how to jump up and down and press play on iTunes. Sooooooooo, yeah, I'm a DJ!"

Danny (Chris D'Elia) breaks down the qualifications of a disc jockey to Justin (Brent Morin) and Candace (Bridgit Mendler)

"Tom, you deserve someone special to be with, to laugh with. Someone who tucks their junk back and says, 'Hey, we're both girls!'"

Jules (Courteney Cox) spills the beans on one of Grayson (Josh Hopkins)'s embarrassing habits while giving a pep talk to pal Tom (Bob Clendenin)

"I am Madonna in space."

Contestant Joey Cook breaks down her '80s-inspired look for Ryan Seacrest

"If I were to set off a bomb in this room, we'd have Democratic presidents for the next 30 years."

Flaming liberal Diane (Christine Baranski) teases her super-conservative hubby (Gary Cole) as they prepare to dine with a group of billionaire Republicans

"Hurt her and they'll never find your body."

Diggle (David Ramsey) gives Felicity's new beau Ray Palmer a friendly pep talk

"If you ever need to have a conversation about social media, you know where I am. We can have a lot of chats. People come after my nose. It's fun."

Co-host Erin Andrews, sympathizing with model Charlotte McKinney after she encounters vicious naysayers on Twitter 

"We just had an accident."

"Yeah, I did... in my pants."

Emily (Shay Mitchell) and Aria (Lucy Hale) have mixed reactions — pun intended — to their police van suddenly coming to a screeching halt

"I know what you're thinking: 'Oh look, Andy Richter's got his own show!'"

Corden pokes fun at his lack of celebrity in these here United States

"In three months, this show will be mine!"

That chill running down your spine Monday night was induced by Jay Leno's tasteless joke about taking over for Corden

"Does Playboy have correspondents? I don't know. I don't read it for the articles!"

Rachel Maddow, getting distracted while reporting on Dick Cheney's nudie-mag interview

"Dude, if I don't get my 14 hours, I'll kill somebody."

Dave (Dan Fogler) isn't pleased with Ben's (Ryan Phillippe) early morning call

"You were acting so weird at the crime scene."

"I always act weird."

"OK. Weirder."

Barry's (Grant Gustin) weak explanation to Joe (Jesse L. Martin) for his strange behavior is actually quite accurate

"What is it with you and me and handcuffs?"

Bounty hunter Frankie Wells (guest star Katheryn Winnick) feels a "bond" with John

"How are you still breathing?!"

"I'm good at surviving. Or, you're bad at killing,"

Ursula (Merrin Dungey) smells something fishy when Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) turns up alive

"It's a rabid group of sanctimonious do-gooders dedicated to our downfall."

"They had equal magic?"

"Worse. Public relations.

Grand coven witch (Teryl Rothery) fills in Rowena (Ruth Connell) on what took down their kind

"Why can't you drunk text like a normal person?"

Queen Helena (Elizabeth Hurley) weighs in on her daughter's latest social media scandal, which includes the following tweet: "This club sucks more D than me."

"Apparently, you can put a Cher wig on a guy and they still end up being uber-straight."

Doris (Lauren Weedman) reminisces about her boyfriend's Halloween costume while dishing his football obsession with BFF Dom (Murray Bartlett)

"So that's what this is about. You guys don't want Coulson in charge. I'll be the first to admit, the guy's not perfect. Sometimes chews with his mouth open, tends to hog the mic on Karaoke Night. But other than that, he's not so bad really."

Hunter (Nick Blood) doesn't quite agree with "the real S.H.I.E.L.D." and their beef with his boss

"This damn experience nearly cost me my marriage. I'm going to be up to my ears in Edible Arrangements trying to make this thing right."

Agent 33's base infiltration, as Talbot's wife, will cost the general (Adrian Pasdar) a buncha fruit baskets