Quotes Of The Week For July 3, 2016

"It's as if Taylor Swift asked you to be a part of her girl squad and then changed her mind."

Quinn (Constance Zimmer), trying to get the girls to cry over Darius' injury

"Last night I ran a flash poll on presidential scholars. They have rated you the 43rd most effective president ever."

"Out of how many?"

"44. You were right ahead of James Buchanan, who many feel caused the Civil War."

Kent (Gary Cole) gives Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) some unflattering poll results at the end of her brief tenure as POTUS

"I hate this country."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) has choice words for the United States after learning she won't even get to be vice president again

"Dr. Heidari says you shouldn't even be out of bed."

"Dr. Heidari doesn't know how dangerous it is for me to be in bed these days, does he?"

Vincent (Jay Ryan) prefers waking up to an alarm clock versus an assassin's gunfire

"Spencer, can I have something stronger than coffee in here?"

Hanna (Ashley Benson), who just escaped from her kidnapper, would rather have a glass of wine than a latte

"I'm not a kisserbutter either."

A confused Nicole, explaining to Jozea that she didn't nominate him for eviction just because he didn't beg her not to

"May I have a moment to myself, please."

Jennifer (Emily Hampshire) requests to speak to her younger self

"After I kissed him, he ran out of my office. It was like Jon Hamm at Equinox all over again."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) likens her surprise encounter with Jody to one with the Mad Men star at a high-end gym

"You're like a villain in a health class movie."

Tamra (Xosha Roquemore) to Jody, after he admits he doesn't want to tell Mindy about his chlamydia

"It's very sad that I'll never get to see him alive again. It's also sad that I'll never get to talk to him, hug him or ask him for advice. But I'm mostly sad because Grandpa was cremated, and I never got to see his decomposing body."

Creepy Jack (Gabriel Bateman), speaking at his grandfather's funeral

"Security was peachy, by the way. We're outnumbered by a factor of holy times s—t."

D'Av (Luke Macfarlane) warns the others about breaching Red 17 — as they are (sort of) about to do

"Our main story concerns the Olympics, otherwise known as your biannual reminder that NBC exists."

"European cyclists... would insert condoms full of clean urine into their anus and then, in order to conceal everything, would cover it with fake hair blending into the real hair of their nether regions. ... To convince a cyclist to do that, a coach would need to deliver the most inspirational speech in the history of sports. 'Do you want to be a champion? Do you?! Then you jam in that piss balloon, pick up that hot glue gun, slap on that anus merkin and ride like a champion. Full anus, clear tests, can't lose!'"

Oliver channels Friday Night Lights' beloved Coach Taylor when discussing obscene doping techniques used by European cyclists

"How did an African elephant find its way to Patagonia?!"

"I don't know, Abe! Do you want to jump out and ask him?"

Abraham (Nonso Anozie) and Jackson (James Wolk) puzzle over a very big problem

"How's the other guy?"

"I am the other guy."

Wolf (Bren Foster) reunites with Chandler (Eric Dane) after a brutal street fight

"I wanna thank anybody in here and in the world that's ever bought a ticket, a video or a DVD with my ass in it!"

Samuel L. Jackson, accepting his Lifetime Achievement Award