Quotes Of The Week For June 21, 2015

"The rule book's been torn up now, and America is wipin' its nasty ass with it!"

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) erupts after learning that because of a technicality, she might lose the presidency to her running mate

"Come with me if you want to live."

Pilar — played by Terminator alum Linda Hamilton — channels a certain life-saving cyborg

"Honey, listen to me, you've got to let this go. She's not writing you back. She's not writing me back — and I didn't screw her ex-husband."

"I didn't screw him!"

"Sorry. Grind him in your wedding dress while she held your bouquet."

Karen (Yunjin Kim) keeps it real with Joss (Jes Macallan) about why it'll be a while 'til she hears from her estranged sister

"It must get hard, Robert"

"Hard? It does. Sometimes."

Saucy surrogate Bridget/Joni "sizes up" Mr. Benson, as the Lifetime spoof steers clear of any subtlety

"Man, this place is packed — who's the opening act?"

Joss (Jes Macallan) is taken aback by the crowd at Karen and April's church service

"Lucy, override that, let me know when you reconnect his com. Tell him I'm coming to kick his ass."

"Understood. Ass-kicking imminent."

Dutch (Hannah John-Kamen) instructs her spaceship's A.I. (voiced by Tamsen McDonough) to warn John he's in for some hurt

"Who carries liquor and glassware in their purse? Am I insane?"

Bethenny, judging us Ramona for always being prepared

"I don't care how the sausage gets made, just that it does."

"I have to make sausage?"

"Oh, I can tell we're going to have a sparkling repartee."

Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky) doesn't have the patience to explain old sayings to her new maid Carmen (Roselyn Sanchez) — not when the chandelier needs dusting

"Shawn is so hot. He's such a babe. I love his voice. I love his smell. I... Ew, I'm getting creepy! That's creepy!"

Kaitlyn, singing the praises of suitor Shawn B. perhaps a tad too loudly

"No! We are dangerous!"

Vanessa (Eva Green), giving Ethan what sounds like a great incentive to have sex as the reason they mustn't

"I'm not into bondage. I don't even like putting a leash on my dog!"

A Fifty Shades of Grey-esque author (guest-star Fiona Gubelmann, Wilfred) has a nervous breakdown and comes clean to Joe (Joey Lawrence) about her books

"How many hours a day does it take to become a dancer like you?"

"I don't know. Like, 40?"

"He was dancing when he should've been at math class."

Contestant Jim Nowakowski's answer to Jason Derulo's question doesn't quite add up for head judge Nigel Lythgoe

"Brooklyn this week hosted its annual Smallest Penis Pageant. Apparently, it was a nightmare for the valet, though, having to park all those Porsches."

"How did your sister taste?"

Bedelia (Gillian Anderson) asks an impertinent question of the sociopath who's washing her hair

"A grand, old city, choking on violence, corruption and deceit. Who could possibly have any experience managing such a massive ungainly beast?"

"I did miss you."

Lord Varys (Conleth Hill) and Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) reconnect in Meereen

"You'd just been beaten half to death. How did you...?"

"Very carefully."

"I'm glad the end of the world is working out for someone."

Jon (Kit Harington) quizzes his pal Sam (John Bradley) about his recent deflowering

"Can you fight?"

"I have fought. I don't claim to be a great warrior."

"Are you good on a horse?"

"Middling."

"So mainly, you talk."

"And drink. I've survived so far!"

Daario (Michiel Huisman) doesn't see why they should bring Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) on their trek to find Daenerys

"I already have a therapist — and bonus, she's not my mother."

Rachel (Shiri Appleby) rebuffs her shrink mom's idea to resume sessions

"This is why I don't do bad things, because it always comes back to bite me in the ass."

"No, that's exactly why you do bad things — to get bitten on the ass!"

Riley (Chelsea Kane) and Bonnie (Melissa Peterman) exchange views on one-night stands