Quotes Of The Week For March 13, 2016

"Why are dingleberries brown? Just the way s—t is."

Abraham (Michael Cudlitz), explaining to Rosita how his feelings for her could possibly have changed overnight

"I believe people can be two things at once. Don't you think so?"

Words that Bruce Wayne (David Mazouz) one day shall live by, yes?

"That's the most embarrassed I've ever been for anyone not doing improv."

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) is rightfully mortified at Nick's awkward reaction to her return

"... tonight we are talking about special taxing districts. So, hello, people watching for the first time because of our Trump piece. And also, I presume, goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for checking in."

John Oliver, ever the realist

"What's the problem, Norma?"

"Why do you have to answer the phone like that? What happened to 'hello'?"

"All right, hello. What's the problem?"

Romero (Nestor Carbonell), getting a wake-up call — and a lesson in phone etiquette — from Norma (Vera Farmiga)

"You're a sheriff. Pull some strings. Threaten someone. Beat someone up in a parking lot."

A desperate Norma (Vera Farmiga) pleads with Romero to help her get Norman out of the county psych ward

"This cake is delicious. Did you make it yourself?"

Abolitionist Elizabeth Hawkes (Jessica De Gouw) simply must have the recipe from party hostess Suzanna...'s house slave

"There you are! You missed the part of dinner where we all put our plates in the sink and pretend somebody's gonna do the dishes."

Linda (John Roberts) is just being realistic about the family's post-meal habits

"I'm overdue with twins. I'm looking to yell at somebody."

Petra (Yael Grobglas) will take any excuse — even helping Jane confront the author who stole her idea — to unleash her anger

"Do you think Pete [Nowalk] likes it when it's sexually crazy in his personal life as well? Because sometimes people, when they're writing, they're expressing their fantasies..."

"But here's the thing, Jimmy: Doesn't everybody like it a little bit freaky in their personal life?"

Viola Davis keeps it real when Jimmy asks her whether it's a case of art imitating life for the How to Get Away With Murder showrunner

"They wouldn't have buried a stick. Unless it was some kind of dog Wesen."

Monroe (Silas Weir Mitchell) is stymied as to why the ancient Grimms would have taken such pains to hide what appears to be a simple piece of wood

"An entire army's worth of military might nicked from a police van, right under the nose of the police, in under four minutes. All it takes is one tainted fish taco and pfff. Unfair advantage, really."

Hunter (Nick Blood) somewhat envies the Inhuman advantage

"What can I get you? Do you like gingerbread? Children...? Kidding! But the gingerbread's actually not bad."

"I'm looking for a friend — dark hair, hook for a hand?"

"Captain Hook."

"You know him?"

"No, no. But your description's... pretty complete."

The Blind Witch (Emma Caulfield) brews fun banter with VIP customer Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin)

"So I can never be around a woman outside of work?"

"That's not what I'm saying. That would be crazy. All I am saying is if you're going to hang out with a woman, it has to be when the sun is up. And she can't be taller than me, or younger than me, or weigh less than me, or look like she weighs less than me. Also, you can't share food. OK, I guess if you're stranded and you have to share food, then clear soups or broths only. And you will display your wedding band close to your face at all times. Photos of your children must be present if they themselves cannot be. If she happens to touch you, even if by accident, you will excuse yourself and call me immediately. If she has smoky eye makeup, that is bad. If she has a lazy eye, that's good!"

"Jessica—"

"You must always travel in separate vehicles. Going back, lazy eye is out. It encourages eye contact. And she must never have been, or even wanted to be, a gymnast. Oh, and this goes without saying, but no Denzel movies."

Riiiiight, Jessica (Constance Wu) isn't concerned about Louis' (Randall Park) new female friend at all

"She shouldn't be at a rally — she should be at home, teaching her parrot the N-word!"

Michael Che pokes fun at a widely publicized photo of an elderly woman at a Donald Trump rally

"I actually loved high school."

"I bet everybody loved high school in the '50s."

Stephanie (Jerrika Hinton) hits Ben (Jason George) with an age joke, stat!

"In this day and age you can't trust anyone. I don't want to fall for the guy and then find out he's got a thing for 'putting the lotion in the basket.'"

Lanie (Tamala Jones) tasks Ryan with a background check on her new beau

"Is Beyoncé scared of Britney? Then Bob ain't scared of Derrick."

Bob the Drag Queen, refusing to be intimidated by polished Britney Spears impersonator Derrick Barry

"Oh, come on, Miss Lance. Even someone as jaded as yourself can't deny how idyllic this time was."

"Yeah, if you're white."

"And a man. And straight. And...."

"OK, OK, I get the point."

Dr. Stein's (Victor Garber) affinity for the 1950s is kept in check by Jackson (Franz Drameh) and Sara (Caity Lotz)

"Now I see what's going on — while I've been busy working, you were busy seducing that young woman."

"Actually, I was liberating her. With an option to seduce her later."

Stein (Victor Garber) catches Sara (Caity Lotz) playing doctor with a '50s nurse