Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 15, 2019
We've rounded up the best TV quotes from Dec. 15 through Dec. 21, 2019. Scroll through our gallery of zingers, bon mots and one-liners below, then tell us if we missed any of your favorite lines from this week's television!
family-guy-little-mermaid-moana-quote
FAMILY GUY
"Stewie, I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly, since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her Little Mermaid Moana."
Brian (Seth MacFarlane), after Stewie was traumatized by the sight of Meg having an extremely good time on Santa's lap
all-rise-behind-the-football-quote
ALL RISE
"We need to get one of the 'against' votes disqualified so we're not starting behind the football."
"Eight ball."
"I hate sports."
Sherri (Ruthie Ann Miles), taking it badly when Lola (Simone Missick) calls foul on her play
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seth-meyers-mariah-carey-most-streamed-song-quote
LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS
"It's been announced that Mariah Carey's hit song 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' was the most-streamed song in the country last week. Said people working in retail: 'We know!'"
the-neighborhood-disney-channel-gangster-quote
THE NEIGHBORHOOD
"What's the plan when we get in there? Squeeze 'em until we get the juice?"
"What?"
"You know, put the screws on 'em until we get the 4-1-1."
"Why are you talking like a gangster from the Disney Channel?"
Dave (Max Greenfield) tries — and fails — to sound tough in front of Calvin (Cedric the Entertainer)
stephen-colbert-hallmark-black-people-quote
THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT
"Hallmark caved [to an anti-LGBT group] immediately, saying, 'The Hallmark brand is never going to be divisive. We don't want to generate controversy...' We know. We've seen your movies. Hallmark doesn't generate controversy, character growth, dramatic tension or leading roles for black people."
the-morning-show-how-are-you-doing-quote
THE MORNING SHOW
"Really? That's the question that's going to foil your never-ending quest for truth?"
Alex (Jennifer Aniston) is thrown when her dogged co-anchor Bradley struggles to provide an answer to, "How are you doing?"
star-wars-family-feud-lightsaber-penis-quote
JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!
"Billy Dee Williams, in your expert opinion, what is the worst part of the body to have chopped off by a lightsaber?"
"The penis!"
The cast of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker gets a little naughty during a game of Family Feud
ncis-chew-the-lard-quote
NCIS
"Until your lawyer arrives, I thought you and I could chew the lard..."
In addition to being "all ear drums," Ziva (Cote de Pablo) is as malaproppy as ever!
live-in-front-studio-audience-nixon-impeachment-quote
LIVE IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE
"I'm not sure if anyone's aware of this, but apparently, something's going on in Washington, D.C. tonight, so we might get interrupted during the broadcast... Apparently, there's trouble in the Nixon administration."
Jimmy Kimmel points out, on the night of President Trump's impeachment, that history has a tendency to repeat itself
the-voice-head-hit-the-button-quote
THE VOICE
"I'm gonna be honest right now. I fell asleep while you were singing... and my head accidentally hit the ['I Want You'] button."
Blake Shelton, during a scripted "flashback" in which the habitual liar found himself unable to fib to a Blind Auditioner
watchmen-stupid-in-those-panties-quote
WATCHMEN
"You look stupid in those panties."
Laurie Blake (Jean Smart) offers Sen. Keane (James Wolk) some fashion advice after he strips down to the same kind of underwear that Doctor Manhattan wore in the comic books
the-mandalorian-trying-to-eat-me-quote
THE MANDALORIAN
"He's trying to eat me!"
Greef Karga (Carl Weathers) misinterprets the Child's intentions
empire-crackhead-quote
EMPIRE
"The only damn thing I regret is not putting on a condom 37 damn years ago — crackhead!"
After literally picking her up and handing her off to security, Lucious (Terrence Howard) tells baby momma Tracy how he really feels