Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 7, 2018
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LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS
"Roseanne Barr said in a new interview that she would be a better president than Trump. Ya think?! At this point, I would take either Becky over Trump!"
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MY NEXT GUEST NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
"You're hang gliding, you're climbing volcanoes, you're windsurfing, you're wrestling sharks, you're on somebody's private island... and I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond picking out hangers."
Dave contrasts former President Barack Obama's civilian life with his post-Late Show life
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THE GOOD PLACE (Bonus Quote!)
"So many memories of this place. Eating frozen yogurt, and then having diarrhea, and then eating more frozen yogurt, and then more diarrhea... Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 'cause of all the diarrhea."
Jason (Manny Jacinto) reminisces about the neighborhood's unlimited supply of fro-yo
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WILL & GRACE
"All right, honey, I see where this is going. You wanna go beyond the wall and see the White Walkers?"
When Val rejects a generous settlement, Karen (Megan Mullally) assumes she's holding out for a peek at her twin peaks
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THIS IS US
"I was thinking that it might be better for our first session to meet just your immediate family. So just your siblings and your mom, and not the others."
"The others? What, are we on Lost?"
Beth (Susan Kelechi Watson) speaking for herself, Toby and Miguel in response to Kevin's therapist
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YOUNG SHELDON
"Kirk and Spock? I want to be Jewish!"
Sheldon (Iain Armitage) kvells upon learning that both William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy are Jewish
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MARVEL'S RUNAWAYS
"It's also my first day without my emotional support dinosaur, so... yeah, I'll be fine."
Gert (Ariela Barer) tells Nico how she's coping without her anti-anxiety meds
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MAJOR CRIMES
"If you shoot me in the back, that makes you a murderer. Is that what you want?"
"What I want is to spit on your grave. But I don't like lines."
And trust us, Provenza (G.W. Bailey), we'd be right behind you!
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THE MIDDLE
"OK, this is Outlander... That's Claire, and she's a World War II nurse who magically falls through stones into 1770-something England."
"How can she fall through stones? They're not porous."
"Some women do a fairy dance, and it just happens."
Mike (Neil Flynn) has trouble buying into the premise of Frankie's (Patricia Heaton) latest TV obsession
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THE MAGICIANS
"Whatever your Marsden XOXOs, Cersei XOXOs. So we have to keep it very best episode of Buffy."
"Oh, musical!"
"Other one."
Eliot (Hale Appleman) uses pop culture references to explain to Margo (Summer Bishil) why they need to hush
(Watch the entire exchange here.)
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THE CHI
"The f—k I need a job for? So I can pay Trump taxes? F—k that s—t!"
Ronnie (Ntare Guma Mbaho Mwine) makes a convincing argument for remaining unemployed
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THE GOOD PLACE
"I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime! I call right nipple! That's shotgun on Optimus Prime."
Jason (Manny Jacinto) is excited to ride a Transformer all the way to the Good Place
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75TH ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS
"We're here to present the award for Best Director."
"And here are the all-male nominees."
Natalie Portman takes the Globes audience (and poor Ron Howard!) by surprise with her off-the-cuff commentary
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LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)
"Seriously, is there anyone creepier than Stephen Miller? He wasn't born. He just appeared after someone read an Edgar Allan Poe story into a cracked mirror."
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HAWAII FIVE-0
"Look, I love Danny, but sometimes I regret not shooting him when we first met."
"That's funny you say that, because I'm positive that he'd say the same thing about you."
"He probably would. And you know what, he never would have hit me. Because in that hypothetical situation, I'm Han Solo and he's Greedo."
Steve (Alex O'Loughlin) fills in Tani (Meaghan Rath) on his and Danny's complicated dynamic
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MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
"How the hell did you get to the future?"
"Uh, the long way."
"He needs medical attention. Story time can wait."
"Not when those stories include time travel."
Dammit, Jemma — Mack (Henry Simmons) wants his story now!
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MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (Bonus Quote!)
"[Sighs] I feel like I'm not getting enough credit here. I have traveled through time and space to find you. I think we're moving past that bit a little too quickly!"
How was Fitz (Iain De Caestecker) to know his hiding place for weaponry would, 70 years later, be infested with "roaches"?