Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 20, 2017

By Rebecca Luther Aug. 27, 2017 1:58 pm EST

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Courtesy of Showtime

EPISODES

"I hope we're not keeping things in just because they're funny."

"In a comedy."

"You two are so old school. Comedies don't have to be funny anymore. Some of the biggest comedies aren't even remotely funny. We don't need your little jokes, your laughs and your humor anymore. You just have to end after 30 minutes. Bang! You're a comedy."

Tim (Bruce Mackinnon) gives Sean (Stephen Mangan) and Beverly (Tamsin Greig) a lesson on what it means to be a TV comedy in the year 2017

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Courtesy of Showtime

EPISODES (Bonus Quote!)

"I just got tickets for Madonna tonight... and they're her seats, so they're probably really good."

"How did you get Madonna's seats?"

"She called me."

"You know Madonna?"

"Yeah... for like 30 years, since she was 'like a virgin.' I met her at The Factory."

"The Factory?"

"Andy Warhol's Factory."

"You knew Andy Warhol?"

"Yeah, why can't I know Andy Warhol? Blondie introduced us."

Matt LeBlanc drops a few names when explaining to Sean (Stephen Mangan) and Beverly (Tamsin Greig) how he got Madonna tickets

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Courtesy of Comedy Central

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"Donald Trump has already given white supremacists pretty much everything they want: He's building a wall, he's banning Muslims, he's taking away black people's voting rights and he's even blocked Tyler Perry from dropping any new Madea movies."

"Wait, is that true?"

"Well, I haven't seen a new one come out in, like, three weeks, so it's gotta be Trump."

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Courtesy of Hulu

DIFFICULT PEOPLE

"I'm going to give that [Lyft] driver what The CW has on its fall lineup: zero stars!"

Hey, Julie (Julie Klausner), what did Mark Pedowitz ever do to you?!

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Courtesy of Hulu

DIFFICULT PEOPLE (Bonus Quote!)

"We got this summons at work today. PBS has Olbermann duty. It's like jury duty, but with Keith Olbermann. Every six months it's a new network's turn to figure out what to do with him."

Arthur (James Urbaniak) has no idea what PBS will do with the ESPN-turned-Fox Sports-turned-MSNBC-turned-Current TV-turned-ESPN 2-turned-GQ commentator

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Courtesy of USA Network

SHOOTER

"So he can kill one of our guys, we can't kill his?"

"It's not strategic."

"I don't give a damn about your strategy anymore. He killed Lin. Everybody dies."

Freshly widowed Isaac (Omar Epps) is glad to have popped Solotov's money man

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Courtesy of USA Network

SUITS

"Holy s—t, you're a g—damn Nazi."

"What did you just say to me?"

"I said I'm not going to sit here and talk to you about the weather, let alone my g—damn feelings. Thanks, but no thanks, wiener schnitzel."

Louis (Rick Hoffman), upon meeting his German psychotherapist, Dr. Lipschitz

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Courtesy of CBS

SALVATION

"Things are just too—"

"Complicated."

"No. Insane."

"Damn, just when I thought we were finishing each other's sentences."

Grace (Jennifer Finnigan) and Darius (Santiago Cabrera) agree to let what happened in Moscow stay in Moscow

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Courtesy of TNT

THE LAST SHIP

"This is gonna be funnnn...."

Burk (Jocko Sims) witnesses newcomer Azima separately flirt with both Wolf and, a moment later, Granderson

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Courtesy of NBC

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: WEEKEND UPDATE SUMMER EDITION

"Well, on Monday, President Trump stared directly into the sun, and I think all that extra vitamin D really got him amped up. On Tuesday, he held a campaign rally in Arizona, and there was some racism there, but it was Arizona, so it was a dry racism."