Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 4, 2016

"I have a problem."

"Having a problem is your defining characteristic."

Edgar (Desmin Borges) once more makes the mistake of trying to confide in Jimmy (Chris Geere)

"This dress doesn't have a butt."

Lindsay (Kether Donohue) fails to grasp the concept of an apron

"Crepes are just pancakes for a—holes."

Gretchen (Aya Cash) has strong feelings about breakfast foods

"This is a ridiculous thing to be happening. How did I fall in love with the penis man?"

Carly, as shocked as we are that she's become enamored of erectile dysfunction specialist Evan

"No offense — I always imagined my 'last stand, blaze of glory' being with my brother, not you."

"I heal, remember? You're the one having an existential crisis. Don't worry, I'll tell everyone you died sexy."

D'Avin (Luke Macfarlane) frets that he and Fancy (Steve Baek) are outgunned. If only he had a human shield....

"How do you roast somebody from Hell?"

Comedian Jeff Ross tells O'Brien how difficult it was to roast Ann Coulter at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe (airing Sept. 5)

"Jamie was very useful, but the ministers still need to hear from the architect of the cure. The tie-wearing architect."

"Nobody who ever saved the world needed to wear a tie."

Mitch (Billy Burke) prefers to be a business-casual hero

"You've already lost a toe for this team. I think losing an arm or a head would just be showing off."

Mitch (Billy Burke) had his reasons for saving Jamie from a raging gorilla

"Good evening, I'm Alec Baldwin and welcome to Match Game! If you thought you were tuning in to see Quantico, then you're in for a terrible, terrible surprise."

"We found your truck. It's over on Dawson, near the creek."

With this throwaway line from Sheriff Mobley (Robert Craighead), series creator Tyler Perry has finally gone too far

"Oh my god, Billy, did I just become a model?"

"Yeah, I think so. You'll be falling asleep listening to Leonardo DiCaprio talk about the environment in no time."

Billy (Billy Eichner) tells Julie (Julie Klausner) what she can expect in her new line of work

"You promise no one will see even a trace of my real face in this, right? Oddly enough, what Sylvester Stallone told his plastic surgeon before shooting Creed."

Billy (Billy Eichner) doesn't want to be recognized for his work on a children's television show

"It's the same in every language."

Though faced with a control board in Chinese, Slattery (Adam Baldwin) manages to launch a missile

"Everyone's got a cross to bear, Naz — pardon the expression. F—k 'em all. Live your life."

Stone (John Turturro) offers words of wisdom to Naz as he begins his post-prison life

"This is my show, Larry. Why are you doing the monologue?"

"I'm sorry, man. I thought whoever leaves 11:30 at Comedy Central just gets The Late Show."

"Donald Trump went to Mexico. Quick! Build the wall. I'll pay for it."

"My man Paul Reiser, he just doesn't get the credit he deserves. The man is spectacular."

Leon (Joey Bada$$) gives a shout-out to his main man Paul Buchman after binge-watching the Mad About You DVD set in the prison library

"What happens when Quinlan gets everything he needs from this book? You're splitting rent and utilities with a muncher on steroids. What if you wake up one morning with a stinger in your neck?"

"If I do, your 'I told you so' will be a source of great comfort before you dispatch me."

Fet (Kevin Durand) has concerns about Setrakian's (David Bradley) half-vampire BFF

"Taylor Swift skipped the MTV Video Music Awards to attend jury duty in Tennessee. Said the other jurors, 'Please stop calling us your squad!'"

"Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. 'How's the camera?' asked Anthony Weiner."

Meyers gets in a dig at the disgraced former congressman and sexting addict

"God, I hate hotels. They creep me out."

"The dead walk the earth, and it's hotels that creep you out?"

"I think it's the carpets."

Ofelia (Mercedes Mason), revealing to Alicia (Alycia Debnam-Carey) a new aversion