What We Do In The Shadows: A Celebration Of Laszlo's Best Lines
What We Do In The Shadows is one of the most quotable shows on TV right now — and it has been since its quartet of hilarious vampiric roommates (plus Guillermo, of course) first graced our screens in 2019.
With the FX mockumentary's return at long last on the near horizon — after almost a full year of waiting, Season 5 premieres on Thursday at 10/9c — here are a selection of Laszlo's lines (and Matthew Berry's delicious delivery of them) that've stuck in our heads over the past four seasons. Of course, there were dozens more contenders; we had to make some hard choices. (Beware: Some of these bon mots call upon Laszlo's, shall we say, interest in all things carnal. Don't say you weren't warned!)
Ahead of Thursday's premiere, scroll through the list below to hear Laszlo wax vampiric about everything from marriage to gardening, then hit the credits: Which Laszlo line is your favorite?
“I just want to conclude by saying I think all marriage is a sham — apart from my own marriage to my darling wife Nadja over there.”
After a whole hour of guests sharing their objections at Nandor's wedding, Laszlo wraps it up with this absolute banger. Not only does it showcase how he and Nadja really are couple goals, but it shows off another one of his trademarks: his unique inflection of the word "darling." He somehow pronounces it with a tough-to-replicate flair — it instantly elevates every single line it's in. (Season 4, Episode 6)
“You really are the most devious bastard in New York City.”
Berry should have gotten an Emmy for this line alone, truly one of his best (and most well-known) deliveries. After Nick Kroll's Simon the Devious pretends to be the house flipper behind one of Laszlo's favorite shows — he really does contain multitudes — in order to steal Laszlo's witch skin hat, our favorite vamp expresses his dismay. (Season 4, Episode 8)
“Trust me. Gay is in. Gay is hot. I want some gay. Gay it's gonna be.”
There are a number of incredible lines that came from Laszlo last season after he took on a father role to a de-aged Colin Robinson, played by Mark Proksch. When the gang tries to get Colin into a private school, they decide that they need to be more unique to ensure his acceptance — so Nandor and Laszlo decide to act like they're a couple. (Season 4, Episode 5)
“Do you know what the most beautiful thing in the world is? F--king."
Laszlo's unabashed sexual comments are key to his character, so this list wouldn't be complete without this memorable bit from when the gang visits Atlantic City and he waxes poetic about "a kaleidoscopic entwining of limbs and genitalia. Men, women. Women, men. Women, women, women, women, men, men, men, men." The vamps make a halfhearted attempt to bond with Harvey Guillén's Guillermo and learn more about his interests — particularly if he's dating, to put it politely — and this is Laszlo's response to Guillermo's reluctance to share any sordid details. (Season 3, Episode 4)
“This is the way we talk in Tucson, Arizonia.”
One of Berry's standout performances is Laszlo posing as "regular human bartender" Jackie Daytona in a random town in Pennsylvania, where he somehow becomes beloved by the townspeople. He maintains his cover while hiding out from Jim the Vampire (played by guest star Mark Hamill), but his co-worker expresses some doubt of his "Yankee Doodle" origin due to his accent (which he doesn't mask at all). Berry's truly inspired pronunciation of Arizona really sells Laszlo's cover story. (Season 2, Episode 6)
“Laszlo doesn't suck. And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards.”
At first, Laszlo thinks it's Gizmo (which, as well all know, is his not-so-affectionate nickname for Guillermo) who's been messing with his things and wreaking havoc around the house. The culprit actually happens to be a ghost, who writes "Laszlo sucks" spelled backward on a piece of paper. Laszlo takes the insult to heart, and his response is deadly serious. (Season 2, Episode 2)
“He's my best friend, he's my pal, he's my homeboy, my rotten soldier, my sweet cheese, my good time boy.”
Perhaps tied for the most viral of Laszlo's quotes, this iconic line comes after Nandor argues that they should kill Laszlo's BFF and neighbor Sean after they hypnotize him too many times at his "Superb Owl" party to keep their vampiric nature a secret. Sean's brain is in shambles, but Laszlo argues that they shouldn't put him out of his misery. (Season 2, Episode 3)
“I don’t give a f--k. His name was Mike.”
Leave it to Laszlo to give it to us straight. As the group prepares to host the Biannual Vampire Orgy, he and Nadja do everything in their power to make it a night to remember — in a good way. After all, a bad reputation will follow you forever (literally) in the vampire community if you throw a terrible orgy. Nadja doesn't even want to speak the name of the vampire who organized the one in 1937, but Laszlo couldn't care less. (Season 1, Episode 9)
"When I turn into a bat, there’s no real skill to it at all. I just shout, ‘BAT!’"
One of Laszlo's signatures is his 'Bat!' exclamation every time he wants to transform into his alternative form — and even more impressive is the fact that a line so beloved by fans came from Berry's improv in the pilot episode. It's just as funny four seasons later, and one of its best uses is when he and wife Nadja (played by Natasia Demetriou) are training protege vampire Jenna (Beanie Feldstein) and his simplistic explanation perfectly sums it up. (Season 1, Episode 8)
“You desecrated my vulva garden. Namely, my mother's vulva. You turned it brown and wizened.”
After a member of the Staten Island werewolf pack urinates on one of Laszlo's plant sculptures that he designed to look like a certain body part of his mother's, their truce is challenged. They decide to have a standoff on a rooftop, and Laszlo lays out why he's so insulted. (Season 1, Episode 3)