AHS: Delicate Recap: Hex On The Beach
We'd say that congratulations are in order after Episode 3 of American Horror Story: Delicate, but that would be wildly oversimplifying Anna's situation.
Her turd sandwich of a week begins with an ill-advised walk through the woods, where she encounters none other than Ms. Preecher, sitting in a tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G. "I've been looking for you!" the delightful old woman screeches from above, as if her being a stalker is news to anyone.
Anna quickly hauls ass back to Talia's Hamptons hideaway, where an uncharacteristically concerned Dex claims to have sent out a search party looking for her. But we're not buying it. Here's the thing: We've adopted a "trust no one" approach to this season's kooky cast of characters, especially when it comes to Dex. Why, you ask? Because that beautiful robot hasn't uttered a single believable line of dialogue all season, and we know Matt Czuchry is a better actor than that.
Anyway, the next morning (or however much time has passed, who knows!), Anna and her increasingly gross pimple (or sack of baby spiders, again, who knows!) make the acquaintance of Nicolette, the house manager Talia never bothered to mention. Nicolette makes a slam-dunk first impression by [1] showing Anna a video of her adorable eight-week-old baby, [2] asking if Anna has any children, and [3] attempting to slip her a little "something" for her hormones. (Seriously, can people stop giving this woman unsolicited medication? It's bad enough that we can't trust the actual doctors on this show.)
Under the guise of being helpful, Dex invites Siobhan to the Hamptons, a journey she appears to make in the blink of an eye. Or is Anna really just losing all concept of time? Honestly, it's hard to tell, because Siobhan does seem like the kind of rich person who might have access to teleportation technology. (Come on, we all know it exists!) Later, a relaxing stroll on the beach takes a twisted turn when Anna finds comes across that doll she signed back in Episode 1 — now with pins sticking into its tummy.
The next stop on Anna's downward spiral is the basement, where she gets wine-drunk and raids a box marked "Talia's Baby Stuff." It's clearly a bad idea from the start, even before the creepy mobile music kicks in. Speaking of bad ideas, a good friend would have advised Anna not to crawl through the tiny Alice in Wonderland door she finds in the basement, one that leads to a charming little nook filled with babies in jars. The spooky lighting is also a nice touch, and how about those Latin spells scrawled across the wall? This house has so much character, we can't imagine why Talia's partner wants to sell it!
And here's where things get extremely not OK: Two women in all-black disguises ambush Anna, force her into stirrups and sedate her against her will. (You know what, just saying "all-black disguises" doesn't do her assailants' looks justice. They're creepy, but they're also a serve. Think Ariana Grande's "Dangerous Woman" era meets Eyes Wide Shut meets... The Gilded Age? It's fashion.) Anyway, the last thing Anna sees before she passes out is a goat's face looking down at her. Terrifying!
Anna awakens back in the basement, where Dex and Kamal apparently allowed her to spend the night without even looking for her, and she has some news to share: she's still pregnant! It sounds crazy, she knows, but she can feel the baby kick. So can the insane-looking pharmacy worker when Anna goes to purchase a conveniently sold-out fetal heart monitor. And bleeding from your mouth is a guaranteed symptom of pregnancy according to Anna's phone, so it's decided, she's definitely still pregnant.
Anna gets further confirmation of her "misdiagnosed" miscarriage via messages from Ms. Preecher, whom we've apparently decided to start trusting. "I WANT TO WARN YOU," she writes in Anna's phone calendar, arguably the wildest method of relaying information to someone since Kelly Rowland texted Nelly using Microsoft Excel. "THEY DID SOMETHING TO YOUR BABY." And when Anna asks if they killed her baby, she receives this chilling response: "YOUR BABY ISN'T DEAD."
More things to consider...
* It was weird when Siobhan casually mentioned that she also suffered a miscarriage and endured a difficult recovery process, right? Don't get us wrong, her and Anna's frank conversation about this under-discussed topic was refreshing, it just also felt... convenient. Is she lying?
* Come to think of it, Nurse Ivy did have something on her face in the same spot as Anna's mysterious blemish. What's up with that?
* Anna sure is landing a ton of magazine covers for someone who is in no state of mind to be giving interviews right now.
OK, fellow masochists, what are your thoughts after AHS: Delicate Episode 3? Drop 'em in a comment below.