Euphoria Throws Nate And Cassie A Wedding That Ends In Blood — Read Episode 3 Recap

Nate and Cassie get hitched in this week's "Euphoria" in an affair that is as pretty, preposterous, and hollow as the couple at its center. But, credit where credit is due: The flowers do look spectacular.

You're going to ask yourself several questions over the course of the hour. They may include: "What the heck is this choreographed first dance?" "Why would Jules engage in conversation of any sort with Cal?" "Where can I get the fashion adhesive that's keeping Maddy's dress in place?" "Is that toe salvageable?"

Y'know, totally normal wedding stuff. Read on for a recap of one the most accursed weddings in recent TV history.

At the start of Episode 3, "The Ballad of Paladin," we get background on how Rue first got into sugar babying. Sugar babydom? The art and trade of being a sugar baby? Anyway, her art-school roommate, Vivian, pitches her on the gig. When Jules finds out that sex is sometimes, though not always, included, she hesitates a little. Vivian reasons that any guy Jules would date would expect sex sometimes, too. "Hold out until the money is right," she advises, and though Jules deems the whole thing "sketchy," she agrees it's better than working retail.

Her first date is with a lawyer with self-proclaimed "severe intimacy issues" and a proclivity for nylons. When she realizes two dates a month with him will pay her rent, she's all in. There are more men, but eventually she hooks up with a married plastic surgeon named Ellis who makes me worry for Jules when he says, "I slice women open for a living: There's very little that makes me uncomfortable." But Jules doesn't seem to have the same reservations: Eventually, she drops out of art school, and Ellis becomes her only client.

Though Jules is making more money "than she ever imagined," Rue voiceovers, it's not for nothing: One night, we see, Jules takes off her dress, lifts her arms overhead as instructed, and Ellis wraps her entire body — save her mouth — in clear plastic cling wrap. "I just might keep you forever," he says, kissing her once she's fully encased.

Meanwhile, at the Silver Slipper, Rue has added "arms dealer" to her ever-growing list of job titles while in Alamo's employ. After one night when the pig Alamo had sent to Laurie's house winds up running amok in the strip club, Alamo shoots it dead — traumatizing a nearby dancer — then wonders what Laurie loves most... so he can destroy it. "Paladin, her parrot," Rue volunteers, and a plan is hatched.

But first, it's wedding time! Rue, who is invited, pays Jules to be her date. "I'm your sugar daddy now," she jokes-not-really. "Dress sexy." And Jules does as directed, in a gown that gives the illusion that it's a stiff breeze away from cascading off her body. Maddy, too, shows up in a revealing green number designed to pull focus. Marsha, Nate's mom, sees Jules and wonders who she is. "I think she's an old friend of Nate's," Cal says, going for casual but not quite succeeding, as he and Jules make eye contact from across the aisle.

Backstage, Cassie is freaking because her husband-to-be is nowhere to be found. Don't worry, honey: He's just vomiting copiously in a shower as his groomsmen try to get him to rally. As the ceremony gets underway, Cassie's mother walks her down the aisle and monologues about how bad her own marriage was, and how the moment before she joined Cassie's dad at the altar was "the last happy moment I'd share with your father." The good (I guess?) news: Nate is waiting for Cassie. The not-so-good: Cassie is in full, not-happy tears by the time she gets there.

As we'll see throughout the evening, there's a huge disconnect between the image the newlyweds are putting forth and what's actually going on. Too bad Rue misses most of it, ditching Jules when Alamo calls and orders her to join Bishop on a pickup at Laurie's. Jules decides to stay, though, and she winds up at the bar at the same time as Cal does.

"Remember me?" she asks. "How could I forget? It's not every day you f**k one of your son's high school classmates," he says. "And record it," she reminds him. He apologizes, and Jules wonders why the cops never came looking for her after he was busted. He says they arrested him for a different video — it's strongly implied that Nate destroyed Jules' footage — and that he copped a plea deal and wound up on the sex-offender registry. He laments that everyone thinks he's a pedophile. How DARE they?! "You do like 'em young," Jules offers, in the understatement of the year. (Side note: Given their past, would these two people would ever have this conversation, even during the fever dream that is this wedding?) He tells her she looks fantastic (ew), then whistles as she walks away (EW).

Marsha has just given her speech, which includes both a dig at Maddy and a reminder that she and Cal are divorced, when Naz, the funeral-supply guy to whom Nate owes money, shows up at the head table and introduces himself to Cassie. "Don't you think it's a little foolish to throw such a lavish party when you owe so many people money?" he asks the groom, who is freaking out. Though he tries to reassure Cassie that everything is fine — their conversation continues during their terrible, suggestive, choreographed first dance, which alone should nab Jacob Elordi and Sydney Sweeney Emmy noms — she doesn't want to hear that they might have to downsize a little. "I don't want to be poor," she says, crying.

Nate and Jules have a moment outside; they share a cigarette, and he thanks her for coming. Sure, I guess? Then he goes back inside, where Cassie confronts him, saying he's not a man and yelling that all he does is lie. Then she opens a Champagne bottle and accidentally launches the cork right into her beloved's forehead. Still, they smile big as they climb into an abomination of a limo while everyone waves. The moment the door closes, though, Nate immediately begins apologizing. He was going to tell her about the money issue, he swears, but he didn't want to ruin the wedding. "I wanted it to be the most beautiful day of your life," he says. "Well, it was the worst," she brats back. He says all the movie catchphrases of men who've effed up — I'm going to get us out of this, you make me want to be a better man, etc. — and it seems to work... until they get home.

Naz and his thug are waiting for the couple inside their home. The muscle starts beating the snot out of Nate, and he shoves Cassie aside so hard while he's doing so that she cracks her face on the floor and starts to bleed. She's sobbing like a toddler, not so much about the fact that her new husband is being made into hamburger next to her, but because her perfect day is RUINED! Then Naz and his guy cut off Nate's little toe, which is gross (the action, not the toe), and leave.

The flowers really were pretty, though.

While all of that is going on, Rue talks to Fez on her drive to Laurie's. He's talking about escaping prison using parkour, and she laughs and says she'll pick him up when he does. When she and Bishop arrive at Laurie's, ostensibly to test her product, Laurie makes a play to get Rue to come back. Rue quietly says she's happy with Alamo. "Remember, the grass is always greener by the septic tank," Laurie cautions.

While everyone is distracted, Bishop drops a pill in Paladin's water dish; he and Rue hightail it outta there quickly after that. Later that evening, the bird screeches, falls off its perch, and has a seizure while Laurie dozes in her recliner. And Rue gets pulled over by a man she at first thinks is a cop, but who turns out to be an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency. Oops.

Now it's your turn. What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments!